zodiac21 Feb 2006

To be grammatical, "neither" would have to come before "suffered", not before "lights". Alternately, you can say (somewhat archaicly) "neither did the lights suffer, nor did they shine..." (note the tense.)

"tarry" should be "tarried". Or the whole thing should be in present tense, one or the other.

"realized" in the sense you've got it means, like, "I realized my dreams". That is, "my dreams came into being". I think you mean "recognized the thorn's approach." And you ought to drop "vulnerably" from the next line, since flanks being open MEANS something's vulnerable; and again, "remain" should be past tense.

Third stanza: Again, try to keep the tense consistent.

By the third and fourth stanzas, the "nor did they shine" lines seem more for rhyme than making sense. That said, the last stanza's the best, although I think, politically speaking, this poem is tripe.