Re: We're Off by Skamper	31-Jul-07/2:02 PM
The brooding skies/ frowned/ omen. No no no. Overwrought and not in keeping with the tone of the rest of the poem.
Re: iPod by Christof	31-Jul-07/2:10 PM
They don't really get between your brain and cranium do they. 'Filling my vessels with silvery xylem' and 'My thoughts are wooded, my breath has leaves.' aren't particularly strong metaphors imo.
Re: California Bound by Dovina	31-Jul-07/2:17 PM
Not a limerick. A limerick would read more like: In Utah I was checked up and down by a sun bleached old mormon clown he wanted a wife riding a bike complete with a republican gown.
Re: Dying Candle by cheese.doodles	31-Jul-07/2:18 PM
Wax isn't stolen by the air it is fed upon by the flame.
Re: Alfredo by Caducus	21-Aug-07/3:31 PM
I agree this need more detail for the reader to make out who the characters are to eachother. I like the idea of the shadows being a heel to the ghost. The transition from shadows brought heels to heels brought soft voices is also rather elegant.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Aug-07/2:27 AM
Quite like it. I'm not sure if you are imagining conversation between chairs it needs to be silent (chairs would hardly be communicating in subtle gestures). Talking in silence has become a bit of a cliche. I like the firework simile and the old soldiers bit. The disembodied sandals are a bit peculiar but the poem is supposed to be fantastical so it kind of works.
Re: Church Propagation by Dovina	24-Aug-07/1:07 PM
As a christian I am mildly piqued but as a logophile I am mortally offended.:(
Re: Church Propagation by Dovina	24-Aug-07/1:15 PM
I feel you are not critical enough of your own ungodliness. Is religious devotion really a consequence of a truth being 'forgotten' or do the religious search for a truth that was never reachable through non devotion. 'Wisdom wanes cleverness and knowledge shines' I find intriguing although I can not be sure whether you see wisdom waning as a loss that leads to the undeserved precedence of knowledge or that you see something wrong with wisdom that stands in the way of knowledge. In the final couplet chaos can be interpreted as the lack of a truth the predominance of relativism and cynicism that values nothing and that the new church can be a good thing. I don't think you meant that though. The poem sounds good anyway. It is a shame some of the words didn't have different meanings.
Re: Colin's thoughts by colin douglas's arse	24-Aug-07/1:18 PM
are you gay too.
Re: The Buiness Card by abecedarian	24-Aug-07/1:24 PM
I like the way the words sound. Does he have to be illiterate it seems a bit of a cheap jibe.
Re: Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee	24-Aug-07/1:26 PM
Not keen on the final line but this is good. I like how a little story is interweaved into the poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Sep-07/2:56 PM
I always feel apprehensive when I read one of yours because there always seems such a terrible underpinning of cynicism and apathy which is the last thing you should be aiming for. There needs to be hope. Anyway this is a metaphor that seems to track although I really think Senryu strangle the life out of metaphor.
Re: In the Night by Joi	2-Sep-07/3:10 PM
This needs paring down. You need to make every phrase count. If you do it skillfully repetition can work as a kind of motif but there seems no point to repeating 'as the darkness surrounds me' which is a pretty bland line the first time round. Quietness of the night, silence of the night, calmness of the storm, in the stillness of the night. This is too long winded you are pretty much repeating the same thing over and over. And be creative with the language tell us something we don't know. Use metaphor or interesting image. Be more descriptive and precise, phrases such as the sound of pain the sound of joy are too vague. Again last verse, if the sounds of love (again too vague) are holding you hostage there is no need to say they are enclosing you. Just take a hatchet to all the lines that do not add to our understanding.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Sep-07/3:12 PM
I don't doubt you can see moslem's bums when they pray but isn't that a touch trivial when we are talking about someone's spiritual life.
Re: the stranger by Prince of Void	4-Sep-07/3:26 PM
Sounds like a stalker to me. I read an article in the Grauniad today, a woman boasting about how a chap tried to talk to her in the supermarket and how she caused a scene by shouting loudly that his attention was unwanted and that he was sexually harrassing her. I think she went a bit over the top but still having involved intrapsychic conversations about a stranger is a bit James Blunt.
Re: floored by godspeed	5-Sep-07/12:19 PM
Poo does not coagulate. What are you some kind of dunce.
Re: Come Now by Joi	5-Sep-07/12:22 PM
Better than your last. Still a lot of you repeating yourself to no particular effect. Also numb is a terrible word choice in a poem by a grownup.
Re: Through the eyes by MacFrantic	19-Sep-07/2:38 PM
I get to misanthrope and think wtf. Attributing human motivations to the world. There is a word for that kind of thing.
Re: Rooster Rape by Dovina	19-Sep-07/2:47 PM
'understory to some curious acts/ of a raucous maddening cock' needs preserving in the annals of pr history.
Re: Still Life by thetrev	26-Sep-07/2:02 PM
The first image you are going for is I think light through the bars of a cage. OK I quite like the tattoo but the phrasing is imprecise. The bars do not drape they are passive in their interaction with the light. Next up the he and she, I think I can just about make out they are supposed to be birds if I read further but why obscure that we are dealing with birds in a cage (the cockerel simile confuses rather than elucidates without such important details). 'Beyond the cage, feeling godly,' is just pretentious Dovina and the poem works better jumping straight into I unhinge the cage. Likewise '“innocent” it says'. Likewise 'the light betrays'. And 'The door is left dangling limply'. Too much redundancy, it should read 'the door dangles limply' except doors don't dangle limply so it should really be replaced with something that makes sense. Overall though it needs tightening up so it more resembles a poem. All the 'he is already at the door' 'they travel through the room' 'I unhinge the door to evacuate her first' is just so damn prosaic.