on Aries, the God of war by Shardik
6 Mar 2003, 12:29 PM
Only mistake here is 'wet' should be 'whet' I think. Otherwise very good indeed, but I would personally like a stronger image built. Still, a nice haiku. 8
replying on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger
2 Mar 2003, 8:06 AM
I know this might sound strange, but I agree with you on this. I have stopped attempting to rhyme because a) I'm not very good at anything more than the basics of it, and b) I find that it restricts what I can and can't write about.
I think that what people have missed for the two long ones (Am I still here and Epistemology) is that they are meant to be light hearted poems that don't stick to the subject of love and death that I find so many people write about all the time-I do a lot but most of my stuff's crap so I don't submit it. I was surprised at this one cause it seemed quite good and I like it. But yes, I do see what you're saying. Thanks for the comment.
I think that what people have missed for the two long ones (Am I still here and Epistemology) is that they are meant to be light hearted poems that don't stick to the subject of love and death that I find so many people write about all the time-I do a lot but most of my stuff's crap so I don't submit it. I was surprised at this one cause it seemed quite good and I like it. But yes, I do see what you're saying. Thanks for the comment.
on Death Of Day ( re-edit) by Mr Pig
1 Mar 2003, 3:28 AM
Possibly 'Silver assassin struck' for the last line, it seems to work and would take the syllables down to 17? I really like your haikus, you have much ability with images. 9
on Revelation ( 666 ) by Mr Pig
1 Mar 2003, 3:20 AM
Nice. It's difficult to give advice on something as short as a haiku, especially when it's as good as this, so I'll limit myself to just saying "Nice".
replying on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger
1 Mar 2003, 3:13 AM
Oh, and what do you think to my edit of 'fraction of a cricket's song'? I'm still not sure about it, what I want is something short and beautiful. If anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful to hear them.
replying on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger
1 Mar 2003, 3:08 AM
Thank'ee kindly, sir. You are spot on there, what you said is what I've been trying to get right-I will keep editing until I get this one right. Thanks also, Bachus.
A good morrow to yourself, also, sir.
A good morrow to yourself, also, sir.
on On coming across a field of deer one afternoon by <~>
27 Feb 2003, 2:56 PM
I love most of this but I'm confused by the last line of the 4th stanza. Witness to their what? Or have I missed something. I think I'll come back to this soon. I would also be grateful if you could tell me what you think of my latest efforts.
on The Feild In Which I Live by Fear of Garbage
27 Feb 2003, 2:53 PM
Love the name, by the way.
on The Feild In Which I Live by Fear of Garbage
27 Feb 2003, 2:53 PM
Wow. Image of a man with a metal pipe through his head...ouch.
Why does this poem seem so damn good?
Why does this poem seem so damn good?
The big problem here is the subject matter. As soon as anyone on this site sees a poem about 9/11 they'll instantly laugh, mainly because most efforts to write about it have been shite.
Being pedantic, I personally hate seeing "must of" or "would of" or anywhere in which 'of' is substituted for 'have'. But that's just me.
I wrote a poem about 9/11 but it takes a slightly different stance. Maybe I'll submit it.
Being pedantic, I personally hate seeing "must of" or "would of" or anywhere in which 'of' is substituted for 'have'. But that's just me.
I wrote a poem about 9/11 but it takes a slightly different stance. Maybe I'll submit it.
on The Blooding by Mr Pig
27 Feb 2003, 2:40 PM
Glorious. Possibly put an extra 'remember' into the last five lines just for emphasis? Although I don't know whether that would perhaps upset the balance of the poem. 8
replying on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger
27 Feb 2003, 2:29 PM
Thanks for the advice, I wasn't too sure about using the word myself.
on Moo Gai Pai lover (dedicated to Settle) by Sylvia Bravo
20 Feb 2003, 12:07 PM
On the plus side, you've now got two comments for your effort.
on Weekend at the Taj by <~>
20 Feb 2003, 12:02 PM
Enjoyable, to say the least. Does a villanelle have any particular syllable structure or rhythm or anything?
on Synchronicity (Senryu) by bunniesnangels
18 Feb 2003, 11:35 AM
Intriguing...
a fabulous collection of haikus.
a fabulous collection of haikus.
on For my wife by INTRANSIT
18 Feb 2003, 11:31 AM
Good stuff
on with no words to write (v2) by nentwined
18 Feb 2003, 11:30 AM
Fair enough
on Beggar's Indulgence by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
17 Feb 2003, 12:19 PM
Perfect, again.
on she said by Bill Z Bub
17 Feb 2003, 12:12 PM
Wonderful. 8
on the midget of humiliation by Bill Z Bub
17 Feb 2003, 12:10 PM
I like the edit except for st. 6. I gave you a ten last time and stanza 3 more than equals that.