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she said (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
bodily proximity, pheromones, chemicals and whispered tones, entangled lives, or lonely souls; this is not love she said, with a bright lop-sided grin, pushing me down again to the mattress' wrinkled skin.

Up the ladder: Small Town Snow
Down the ladder: Temptation In Genesis

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Weighted score: 5.3
Overall Rank: 3626
Posted: December 3, 2002 1:49 PM PST; Last modified: February 17, 2003 11:06 AM PST
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[n/a] god'swife @ | 3-Dec-02/2:23 PM | Reply
I like this poem very much, but feel the title gives to much away. Call it "Lessons" or "A Tutorial" or just the girl's name would be nice. Leave it a suprise, it's so short, that would give it more punch and bitter-sweetness.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > god'swife | 3-Dec-02/10:19 PM | Reply
Thanks. Interestingly, this poem was untitled until I decided to post it here. And I actually considered "Lessons", but thats the title of another poem I've written.
[n/a] god'swife @ > Bill Z Bub | 4-Dec-02/12:34 PM | Reply
What's the girls name? I'm telling you if you put here name there it would work. there are so many good titles for this poem, only you know what's real, I think that's important. If you do revise this, which you should, you have received some good comments, try a different title. don't worry about losing your votes. Most rankers come back to the good ones and re-cast.
[9] INTRANSIT @ | 3-Dec-02/3:52 PM | Reply
Yes, the title gives too much away.
Love the beat! good job devil man.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > INTRANSIT | 3-Dec-02/10:20 PM | Reply
Thanks again, INTRANSIT!
[9] deleted user @ | 3-Dec-02/4:42 PM | Reply
good poem, tho I'd not seperate the first two stanzas

and I like the title. You think it will be a overly-done, "you hurt me so its over" kinda poem. But its not, its right. 9
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ > deleted user | 3-Dec-02/10:24 PM | Reply
Hmm. Oddly, it was all one stanza originally. I decided to separate the lines at the last minute as an aid to the rhythm. Your suggestion is under consideration.
Thanks, Rebecca.
[7] <~> @ | 3-Dec-02/11:24 PM | Reply
i like it. i like the title, although if you must change it, i suggest "she said".
[8] Caducus @ | 4-Dec-02/2:46 AM | Reply
very original, concise and to point
[9] razorgrin @ | 4-Dec-02/6:41 AM | Reply
cool as usual, mr.bub. this is why you pick up all the souls for sale.
[6] poetandknowit @ | 4-Dec-02/7:08 AM | Reply
Excellent last stanza, although I am not a fan of the "yearning souls" bit. I realize it is important to the overall rhyme scheme, but the souls part good go. Call it "For a Good Time, Call".
[9] Imperfections @ | 21-Jan-03/10:49 PM | Reply
Love this. However, I think the "yearning souls" take you away from your point. Unless I am all wrong, and that is exactly the point you're trying to make, sneaky you :)
[8] Ranger @ | 17-Feb-03/12:12 PM | Reply
Wonderful. 8
[9] INTRANSIT @ | 17-Feb-03/2:34 PM | Reply
Rewrite kicks! I'd leave it at this point.
[8] Fear of Garbage @ | 17-Feb-03/5:17 PM | Reply
how quaint.
i give it an 8
[7] <~> @ | 18-Feb-03/3:26 PM | Reply
nice and tight, now. goodjob.
[7] Felzpoet @ | 24-May-03/5:44 PM | Reply
real love can hurt be careful u dont mistake it for somethin else
btw i have a poem by the same name
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