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she said (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub bodily proximity, pheromones,
chemicals and whispered tones,
entangled lives,
or lonely souls;
this is not love
she said,
with a bright lop-sided grin,
pushing me down again
to the mattress' wrinkled skin.
Up the ladder:
Small Town Snow
Down the ladder:
Temptation In Genesis
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Posted: December 3, 2002 1:49 PM PST; Last modified: February 17, 2003 11:06 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.3 Overall Rank: 3688 Comments:
[n/a]
god'swife @ 209.179.212.129
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3-Dec-02/2:23 PM
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Reply
I like this poem very much, but feel the title gives to much away. Call it "Lessons" or "A Tutorial" or just the girl's name would be nice. Leave it a suprise, it's so short, that would give it more punch and bitter-sweetness.
[n/a]
Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232
> god'swife
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3-Dec-02/10:19 PM
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Thanks. Interestingly, this poem was untitled until I decided to post it here. And I actually considered "Lessons", but thats the title of another poem I've written.
[n/a]
god'swife @ 209.178.177.52
> Bill Z Bub
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4-Dec-02/12:34 PM
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What's the girls name? I'm telling you if you put here name there it would work. there are so many good titles for this poem, only you know what's real, I think that's important. If you do revise this, which you should, you have received some good comments, try a different title. don't worry about losing your votes. Most rankers come back to the good ones and re-cast.
Yes, the title gives too much away.
Love the beat! good job devil man.
Thanks again, INTRANSIT!
good poem, tho I'd not seperate the first two stanzas
and I like the title. You think it will be a overly-done, "you hurt me so its over" kinda poem. But its not, its right. 9
Hmm. Oddly, it was all one stanza originally. I decided to separate the lines at the last minute as an aid to the rhythm. Your suggestion is under consideration.
Thanks, Rebecca.
i like it. i like the title, although if you must change it, i suggest "she said".
very original, concise and to point
cool as usual, mr.bub. this is why you pick up all the souls for sale.
Excellent last stanza, although I am not a fan of the "yearning souls" bit. I realize it is important to the overall rhyme scheme, but the souls part good go. Call it "For a Good Time, Call".
Love this. However, I think the "yearning souls" take you away from your point. Unless I am all wrong, and that is exactly the point you're trying to make, sneaky you :)
Wonderful. 8
Rewrite kicks! I'd leave it at this point.
how quaint.
i give it an 8
nice and tight, now. goodjob.
nice
real love can hurt be careful u dont mistake it for somethin else btw i have a poem by the same name 337 view(s)
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