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For my wife (Free verse) by INTRANSIT She holds me
like a soft summer breeze
and kisses me
with a doves wing.
And when we make love
we hold hands
and become
a placid pool.
Up the ladder:
The Errant Knight
Down the ladder:
Sir John Betjeman is dead Nicholas.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: February 17, 2003 6:03 PM PST; Last modified: April 21, 2003 9:47 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.0 Overall Rank: 1269 Comments:
[8]
deleted user @ 68.82.229.248
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17-Feb-03/6:13 PM
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Reply
mmm dreamy.. i like it
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 166.72.241.231
> deleted user
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17-Feb-03/6:15 PM
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Reply
before or after i changed the hammock?
ehhh i like the hammock better
must you mix the doves with Saturn? you'll rupture the mammal space continueum and force darwin to dry hump kubric in a swimming pool full of nestle's strawberry milk... what? lol.
I think I would have liked hammock better (netted swing is poetic, but I didn't get it).
this is simple and short, densely packed with common images, but... the collage is almost poignant. leans towards trite. maybe just the "ing ing ing".
Beautiful. Sounds like your "both" in love.
Silverstem hit it, it is dreamy and enchanted, so glad you used saturn and not Uranus - beautifully done -9-
Good stuff
I bet your wife found this simply charming. I would however relinquish the line 'in a soft summer breeze' it serves little purpose without a metaphor. I have just read some of your other work and was impressed but owe it to you to study and pass comment on at my earliest convenience. I wish yourself and your wife many happy years of matrimony.
Beautiful, esp. last four lines.
Even better! The breeze is used much more effectively this time. 9
Lead in with gentle cliches
then bang ' a placid pool' really makes this short poem
Two sexiest things on the planet: Cars and women. YEAH BUDDY! HOOOOO YEAH!!!!!!!!! Okay now, let's bump chests and rut for the ladies! HOOOOOOO YEAH!
Oh yes, what the hell is a kiss with a doves wing? did she chop up dinner and smooch you with the feathery wing before she plucked it? Is that where she belongs? In the kitchen? How do you become a placid pool? Do you do it oil derick fashion. bump be bump, bump be bump and then leak and form a toxic site. I amybe strecthing here, but I don't get it.
Why is it you can't say exactly what you want me to do? C'mon. How about some confirmation. I wanna hear it. No more ring around the roses, damnit.
dove's wing needs an apostrophe
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