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For my wife (Free verse) by INTRANSIT
She holds me like a soft summer breeze and kisses me with a doves wing. And when we make love we hold hands and become a placid pool.

Up the ladder: The Errant Knight

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 6.0
Overall Rank: 1269
Posted: February 17, 2003 6:03 PM PST; Last modified: April 21, 2003 9:47 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] deleted user @ 68.82.229.248 | 17-Feb-03/6:13 PM | Reply
mmm dreamy.. i like it
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 166.72.241.231 > deleted user | 17-Feb-03/6:15 PM | Reply
before or after i changed the hammock?
[8] deleted user @ 68.82.229.248 | 17-Feb-03/6:16 PM | Reply
ehhh i like the hammock better
[7] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 | 17-Feb-03/6:50 PM | Reply
must you mix the doves with Saturn? you'll rupture the mammal space continueum and force darwin to dry hump kubric in a swimming pool full of nestle's strawberry milk... what? lol.
[6] nentwined @ 66.92.183.34 | 17-Feb-03/9:04 PM | Reply
I think I would have liked hammock better (netted swing is poetic, but I didn't get it).

this is simple and short, densely packed with common images, but... the collage is almost poignant. leans towards trite. maybe just the "ing ing ing".
[10] AuntyM @ 205.188.208.106 | 17-Feb-03/9:13 PM | Reply
Beautiful. Sounds like your "both" in love.
[9] Caducus @ 195.92.194.13 | 18-Feb-03/12:52 AM | Reply
Silverstem hit it, it is dreamy and enchanted, so glad you used saturn and not Uranus - beautifully done -9-
[9] Ranger @ 213.120.56.45 | 18-Feb-03/11:31 AM | Reply
Good stuff
[7] Mr Pig @ 62.105.88.10 | 1-Mar-03/5:56 AM | Reply
I bet your wife found this simply charming. I would however relinquish the line 'in a soft summer breeze' it serves little purpose without a metaphor. I have just read some of your other work and was impressed but owe it to you to study and pass comment on at my earliest convenience. I wish yourself and your wife many happy years of matrimony.
[8] anitawit @ 203.94.201.110 | 21-Apr-03/10:31 PM | Reply
Beautiful, esp. last four lines.
[9] Ranger @ 212.140.115.64 | 22-Apr-03/10:20 AM | Reply
Even better! The breeze is used much more effectively this time. 9
[7] richa @ 195.92.67.209 | 22-Apr-03/10:55 AM | Reply
Lead in with gentle cliches
then bang ' a placid pool' really makes this short poem
[4] poetandknowit @ 65.101.213.4 | 31-Jul-03/6:45 PM | Reply
Two sexiest things on the planet: Cars and women. YEAH BUDDY! HOOOOO YEAH!!!!!!!!! Okay now, let's bump chests and rut for the ladies! HOOOOOOO YEAH!

Oh yes, what the hell is a kiss with a doves wing? did she chop up dinner and smooch you with the feathery wing before she plucked it? Is that where she belongs? In the kitchen?

How do you become a placid pool? Do you do it oil derick fashion. bump be bump, bump be bump and then leak and form a toxic site. I amybe strecthing here, but I don't get it.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.252.7 > poetandknowit | 8-Aug-03/7:00 AM | Reply
Why is it you can't say exactly what you want me to do? C'mon. How about some confirmation. I wanna hear it. No more ring around the roses, damnit.
[8] Jill Stockinger @ 127.0.0.1 | 28-Dec-20/5:18 PM | Reply
dove's wing needs an apostrophe
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