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Death Of Day ( re-edit) (Haiku) by Mr Pig Dusk came,
Sun bled coagulating the clouds.
Silver assassin appeared.
Up the ladder:
One Night
Down the ladder:
glory bar realities
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.7894735
Posted: February 16, 2003 2:45 AM PST; Last modified: February 18, 2003 12:46 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.7520323 Overall Rank: 1804 Comments:
[10]
Caducus @ 195.93.33.10
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16-Feb-03/4:06 AM
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Reply
awesome, I got no beef sorry pork with this at all. 10
howl!
bravo.
wow, wow, wow, ---this is quality man
Decent, but why do i keep counting eighteen? You know when i was younger i lived on the island of Kauai. I saw a pig roast. Many beautiful sunsets. I watched them kill the pig. I have never heard a sound come out of any living thing even similiar. Have you heard that sound? I'll wait to vote for your assesment of the structure.
I used to have some pigs and they died in the foot and mouth epidemic and had to be slaughtered. I left for Gloucester that day because one couldn't bear the sight of Rosie, Sharky, Monsieur, and Goatthroat being terminated. Pigs are beautiful creatures and contrary to the book of koran ARE clean specimens. I have heard the sound of a pig mating and it reminded me of a young winsome strumpet I made love to in a violet field south of cirencester.
My name is Horatio Piggott, Mr Pig to my poemrankers. God Speed my friend !
I like "silver assassin", but the rest ... seems almost there. just not quite.
Very good, but the tense is mixed up. It's either 'comes' or 'Sun bled........silver assasin appeared".
Thank you so much my darling Gods Wife, I knew something was not quite together and you are quite right. I am very pleased with this now please offer me one more perusal and comment.
Which part of this having 18 syllabols didn't you grasp. The 1 or the 8? Don't get me wrong, because i bend the rules everywhere, but it's unacceptable when dealing with haikus. it's the foundation of the structure and when dealing in this arena it's critical.
Change the tense of the last line. Somehow "appears" works for this. Some new pressent beginning.Death of day, and then a moon right now.
Possibly 'Silver assassin struck' for the last line, it seems to work and would take the syllables down to 17? I really like your haikus, you have much ability with images. 9
No haiku since it contains 18 syllables rather than the required 17.
syllables?
Yes I know I boobed Robert, I can do the 5-7-5 but these thoughts sometimes appear in the middle of the night and you know I write them down because I like them but your right, its not quite the baked Alaska is it?
I am sorry, would you believe one of my Haikus was inspired by you? I can tell which one did if you like. Your friend Laurence
You have aroused my curiousity and flattered me at the same time. which was it?
curiosity--sorry about the typo.
Dear Robert
It was this you composed so majestically that I love. Waves fold on the beach Sand clings to the old dead man Filling his wrinkles Its timeless. 260 view(s)
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