on Together They Fell (Prose) by Fayt
1 Mar 2006, 9:27 AM
Hmm, not bad. I'd cut the 'it was given that nickname due to...' bit; make the reader do a little work. I'd also cut the phone conversation bit (from 'he replied...')
You repeat 'huge steel pole', it would be more effective if you could give differing descriptions of it - maybe try and reflect the personalities of the characters in the way they see the pole.
Personally I'd take out the last paragraph and replace it with 'Together they fell.'
There's a lot more I could say about this, but it's a long piece so it's probably worth editing it a little at a time. Great promise though.
I'll give it a 7 for now, mainly because otherwise the comment counter won't work!
You repeat 'huge steel pole', it would be more effective if you could give differing descriptions of it - maybe try and reflect the personalities of the characters in the way they see the pole.
Personally I'd take out the last paragraph and replace it with 'Together they fell.'
There's a lot more I could say about this, but it's a long piece so it's probably worth editing it a little at a time. Great promise though.
I'll give it a 7 for now, mainly because otherwise the comment counter won't work!
on Whalecrack by wlshepherd
1 Mar 2006, 9:16 AM
Heh, personally I love nonsense poetry. I do, however, prefer nonsense poems to keep a strong sense of timing...also, I'd like to see more imagery than you give here.
Gave me the impression of a beggar (slum being patched up with an abandoned piece of plastic, sea-gull egg (coin), tragic injury etc. etc. etc.)
Gave me the impression of a beggar (slum being patched up with an abandoned piece of plastic, sea-gull egg (coin), tragic injury etc. etc. etc.)
on the disadvantages of dropping out by FreeFormFixation
1 Mar 2006, 9:11 AM
Makes me think of someone else's pet cat dying in your house.
on isomers by skaskowski
1 Mar 2006, 9:08 AM
I'd prefer to see stanza 2 keep a constant rhythm with stanza 1. I do like the idea of this, though.
on Filler by MacFrantic
1 Mar 2006, 8:56 AM
Cool
Incandescent is better; somehow gives me an image of a candle being held to the moon - if it were my poem I'd try and bring that picture out in the first stanza, but it may not work for you. I'm still not a huge fan of the third line - it feels too long (at least the way I read it). Again, if it were my poem I'd change it to something like 'Its incandescent illumination/A gentle wash/As I think of you'. That way it would slightly tone down the first-person aspect of stanza 1, which I find a bit strong, and detract neither from the description in line 2, nor from line 4.
Anyway, keep this one coming, it's looking good!
Anyway, keep this one coming, it's looking good!
on Harp Song of the Prawne Men by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
25 Feb 2006, 1:36 PM
Far and away your finest offering for a long while!
I myself pray that I never have to choose between life and prawne. And I pray to Jesu that the same applies to you.
I myself pray that I never have to choose between life and prawne. And I pray to Jesu that the same applies to you.
replying on Goodbye by aamir_trichy
25 Feb 2006, 5:01 AM
If you want people to leave comments on your work, you have to give some first. Trust me.
Okay, grammar first - "Don't". Also, line 2 'aren't'. Line 3 - I assume you mean 'hearts'. Line 10 'lose' and 'It's'. Line 12 'straight'. As well as that, don't capitalise after commas (unless of course it's 'I' etc.) You might think this is unnecessary nitpicking, but believe me when I say that a well-written and grammatically correct piece is far more enjoyable to read. Even running a poem through the spellcheck on Word will pick up some errors.
Okay, on general points: this is a nice enough piece, pleasant enough - but it doesn't give a huge amount to the reader. It's difficult to write a consolatory poem that will affect the reader, particularly if the reader doesn't need consoling. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write like this, but keep practising until you can really elicit emotion. Most of the people here will be more than willing to give you advice on your writing - provided you reciprocate (even if it's just to say that you liked their poems).
My recommendation is that you practise imagery - descriptive writing, and finding original ways of describing certain things. It will open your imagination more, particularly when you start incorporating metaphor into your poems.
Keep going, good luck with your writing.
Okay, grammar first - "Don't". Also, line 2 'aren't'. Line 3 - I assume you mean 'hearts'. Line 10 'lose' and 'It's'. Line 12 'straight'. As well as that, don't capitalise after commas (unless of course it's 'I' etc.) You might think this is unnecessary nitpicking, but believe me when I say that a well-written and grammatically correct piece is far more enjoyable to read. Even running a poem through the spellcheck on Word will pick up some errors.
Okay, on general points: this is a nice enough piece, pleasant enough - but it doesn't give a huge amount to the reader. It's difficult to write a consolatory poem that will affect the reader, particularly if the reader doesn't need consoling. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write like this, but keep practising until you can really elicit emotion. Most of the people here will be more than willing to give you advice on your writing - provided you reciprocate (even if it's just to say that you liked their poems).
My recommendation is that you practise imagery - descriptive writing, and finding original ways of describing certain things. It will open your imagination more, particularly when you start incorporating metaphor into your poems.
Keep going, good luck with your writing.
on Spruce Bruce the Barnacle Goose Learns About Moulting by Blue Magpie
25 Feb 2006, 4:46 AM
Yes, amusing in its own way. Stanza 4 line 2 doesn't make sense - I think you want to change it to something like 'Do you want folk to think you're a dunce?' There are a couple of other typos in here, but I'd be pretty pedantic to go through listing them.
Enjoyable.
Enjoyable.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 3:35 PM
'Once', 'Who' and 'He' count as limerick words, surely?
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 11:04 AM
To be fair, in my eyes limericks = Edward Lear or -=Dark_Angel=-, who both use a slightly different structure. As such this one felt shorter than I was expecting - but that's just my way of reading it - hence the previous agreement.
Either way, this does precisely what a good limerick should.
Either way, this does precisely what a good limerick should.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 10:41 AM
Sorry.
on last night was like the last one by hendrimike
24 Feb 2006, 10:25 AM
I quite liked the rhyming scheme although it would benefit from a little more invention - 'in/in', 'long/along' etc. don't really seem to be pushing your creative boundaries at all.
replying on Revised Dream (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20
24 Feb 2006, 10:20 AM
Ah, I also see that you're struggling for comments on your poems; my advice (as always) is to give other people feedback first, otherwise they're going to be less inclined to comment on your works. Give and take, and all that jazz.
I'll vote on this when it's nearer completion.
I'll vote on this when it's nearer completion.
replying on Revised Dream (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20
24 Feb 2006, 10:18 AM
Yes, it is certainly an improvement - I really am glad you took out 'fields of love'. Keep adding to this as you think up new images - as I've said, originality is the key.
Now, you will probably want to kick me for saying this, but in my opinion the content would be improved if the faith aspect was toned down a little. I'm not saying do away with it - the poem's obviously centred around it - but I think that it would make it easier for you to invent around if you toned down the theology somewhat; this would also allow for more creative poetry. However, I also think you should wait for other people to give you feedback, because others might disagree with me on this point.
Keep up the good work!
Now, you will probably want to kick me for saying this, but in my opinion the content would be improved if the faith aspect was toned down a little. I'm not saying do away with it - the poem's obviously centred around it - but I think that it would make it easier for you to invent around if you toned down the theology somewhat; this would also allow for more creative poetry. However, I also think you should wait for other people to give you feedback, because others might disagree with me on this point.
Keep up the good work!
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 6:33 AM
"I once had a friend dressed in black"
That wasn't so painful now, was it :p
That wasn't so painful now, was it :p
I quite like it as it is.