Re: Today's Spam by nentwined	13-Mar-06/7:34 AM
Ha! I never get these though, either my email is too obscure, or the hotmail junk filter is supreme ¬.¬
Re: The Tale of Hominus Ominus by Blue Magpie	13-Mar-06/5:34 AM
Pretty nifty, a decent tale of the human condition. It certainly takes courage to write something this lengthy and search for plenty enough rhymes without turning the reader off; you manage it very well. Stanza 5 was the best.
Re: Spoken word (draft) by Adriaan	13-Mar-06/5:27 AM
Decent fragment, the idea's pretty good - but I'm curious as to where you're going with it.
Re: Desolation by Beyond_Dreams	13-Mar-06/5:25 AM
Kind of defiant which is nice to see. The problem with it, though, is that it's all been written before. For example, 'broken dreams' makes me assume you listen to Green Day. If you could make this something new and innovative it would work well.
Re: Boundaries by Dhanesh M Kumar	13-Mar-06/5:23 AM
Either there's a hidden genius in this that I am blind to (entirely possible)...or you really do need to make some serious grammatical corrections. 'Four walls fortifying the realm(s?)' is good, 'make it to yell' is not. 'To yell' is the infinitive, and so in this context shouldn't be used with 'make it', which is present active. The three lines after that...I don't really know what they mean. 'The nature's statue that which bonds' could work, but needs punctuating. '...statue - that which bonds...' or something like that. The rest of the stanza sort of work although 'crinkle' would sound better as 'crinkling'. Stanza 3 - 'migrates' and 'divulges', as you are talking about a first person singular subject for both. I like the ending to it though. But I still have to ask - what does it all mean?
Re: i realize by http://robynhood	13-Mar-06/5:14 AM
Not bad, but it needs work. Stanza 1: First line is great but would profit from more imaginative language (give a bit of colour to it). Line two "your" should be "you're". "In confused nature" sounds too much like you're trying to be pseudo-philosophical. Stanza 2: again the first line isn't bad, but it gets meaningless with the second line. 'When together we're apart...' is fine, but 'when together we're apart and away' loses any real sense. It seems like you meant something else but didn't quite make it work as you intended. Stanza 3 is a little cliched - try and replace 3/4 of the lines with something a little more original. Stanza 4 is good. Hope these suggestions are of some use.
Re: We Do Not Write About by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/12:46 PM
This is good - strong and concise. I would change the 'souls' in stanza 2; the rhyme there shifts the focus of the reader (well, of this reader anyway!) and I don't think the repetition works. Other than that, stanza 2 is excellent in my opinion - and so true! You might consider changing 'bothersome' to simply 'bother'...let the 'sometimes' do the all the work there. It won't make perfect grammatical sense (and there are poets here who prefer good grammar and logic) but it would flow a little easier. It's down to your preferences though, of course. Last two lines are awesome...out of curiosity, 'stirrings' made me also think 'strings' (of our souls) - was that intentional?
Re: a comment on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	12-Mar-06/12:34 PM
Dammit...now I'm in the mood for Zep III...*reaches for CD*
Re: Gone Bad by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/12:31 PM
Unlike about 95% of the lyrics on this site I actually want to hear this one sung. Same applies to the rest of your lyrics...I never thought I'd say that here!
Re: a comment on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	12-Mar-06/12:27 PM
Bron-Y-Aur Stomp? I love that song! It's the only reason I know what it means too...who said Zeppelin weren't educational?
Re: a comment on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	12-Mar-06/12:22 PM
Thank you...vils are my new favourite style, but oh so challenging!
Re: a comment on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	12-Mar-06/12:17 PM
By the way, there were three villanelles on here that I learnt villanelle writing from; your 'Nightfall' was one of them.
Re: a comment on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	12-Mar-06/12:16 PM
Spot on, although it's also meant to represent tears...this one has a darker side to it than anything else I've posted. As always, your comments are appreciated!
Re: a comment on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	12-Mar-06/12:14 PM
With any luck the images of bullying will come through as well...otherwise I have some work to do! I did wonder whether or not churl and merle would work...my preference is to be as varied with rhymes as possible, but I might have overstepped slightly here.
Re: Climbing the Wall by ecargo	12-Mar-06/12:10 PM
This is cool - 'kinder-coloured plastic', 'gravity's fool', 'crab clawed', 'trick of undoing' etc. are great to read; you always give something new in your poems. I love the contrast of 'superpowered/old engine', it works brilliantly for young yet exhausted muscles. 'Old Doubt'...sounds like an ale... =D Tell how you prevailed; I'm in the mood for good news!
Re: 3/12/06 by cronus	12-Mar-06/12:01 PM
'black ink/bitter...' makes me think you're talking about Guinness. I'm really not sure what to make of this...particularly the last stanza is open to many, many 'comic' interpretations. Was that intentional? I'll need to have a think about this before I can post anything of any use.
Re: Hurtin' Once Again by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/11:57 AM
Cool blues, although without the music it left me wanting more...and a little more innovation.
Re: a comment on Mango Pickle by amanda_dcosta	12-Mar-06/11:54 AM
Weird! But your son got the good deal; Doc was always the coolest. I think I'll wait till the summer before making mango pickle though...it just doesn't feel right otherwise. At least I know where I have a good recipe now!
Re: The Best Thing I Ever Had by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/11:51 AM
I've read the stuff you've posted so far, and although it's pretty simple I really like it. Somehow you manage to make the repetition work in print without music, so for that I must offer my congratulations! It's really hard to get lyrics to appear as effective without music (by their very nature, I suppose). Very bluesy...definitely a good thing! Do you sing/play instruments professionally? I'm listening to Beth Orton at the moment =D
Re: a comment on Crowded by INTRANSIT	11-Mar-06/4:59 PM
Heh, yes - it's going to take at least one more edit before I even think of putting it on the ranker, but if it's done right...well, as with every villanelle I've ever seen, if it's right it is a beauty! Take yours along - knowing how good you are with words I'm prepared to bet it works well. Anyway, gotta get some sleep, footballing tomorrow - catch you later!