on Windflower by matt door
11 Mar 2006, 4:34 PM
I thought this was going to be a collection of haikus when I first saw it. I'd have to agree with ecargo and Niphredil, the rest of it is very pretty. The final stanza in particular brought a smile to my face.
on Mango Pickle by amanda_dcosta
11 Mar 2006, 4:25 PM
This is nice, in a 'Hi ho, hi ho it's off to work we go!' kind of way - it's the sort of poem that needs communal speech. I like the semi-rhyme in stanza 2, it's subtle enough to not override the rest of the poem, while still helping the rhythm along.
Good to see you back, my long-distance amigo! I like this, very catchy and ever so slightly surreal; personifying the gauges works very nicely. Line 4 feels a little...awkward though. 'Leaving naught to keep' felt much more archaic than the rest - but then again, I can't think of anything you might replace it with.
Sorry, I thought it was the adopted 'ranker spelling. We ought to have a 'seafood dictionary' on here just for reference.
And while we're on the Wales jokes, it's time for the mandatory terrible pun. 'Why is Wales so wet? Because of all the leeks.'
In normal circumstances I would have avoided saying that at all costs. But all this talk of crocodiles, whales, prawn(e)s and Wales demands it.
And while we're on the Wales jokes, it's time for the mandatory terrible pun. 'Why is Wales so wet? Because of all the leeks.'
In normal circumstances I would have avoided saying that at all costs. But all this talk of crocodiles, whales, prawn(e)s and Wales demands it.
replying on I’m unsaid and dead by Prince of Void
10 Mar 2006, 3:59 PM
Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of Camus though, as I'm assuming that's where our Prince of Void was drawing his inspiration from.
All that 'absurdity' nonsense. Tch.
All that 'absurdity' nonsense. Tch.
Easy. "Crocodhale". It's the next step in evolution, where a crocodile's teeth have grown so long that its mouth resembles that of a whale, but with still enough space to consume fish, eels, prawnes, smaller crocodiles, people etc.
It'll also be a heavenly word for those people who like to affect a poor upper-class inflection to their accent.
It'll also be a heavenly word for those people who like to affect a poor upper-class inflection to their accent.
replying on I’m unsaid and dead by Prince of Void
10 Mar 2006, 3:46 PM
Great comment, by the way!
replying on I’m unsaid and dead by Prince of Void
10 Mar 2006, 3:45 PM
Albert would have been dismayed.
Remember Sisyphus!
Remember Sisyphus!
on The Worst Poem Ever Created (edited) by drnick
10 Mar 2006, 2:46 PM
This is great fun!
on Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick
10 Mar 2006, 2:45 PM
I've just remembered I said I'd come back to comment again on this; first things first, I can't get your 'Dead Poet's Dream' out of my head!
As for this one; well aside from feeling prose-y, I can't find fault with it. Personally, I like lots of description in some poems - and you do it very well here. Stanza 5 = genius, in my opinion. And the penultimate and concluding stanzas work perfectly with the feel of the piece; a sort of resigned satisfaction.
I hope I don't sound pretentious or patronising, but your writing has got so much better in recent posts!
As for this one; well aside from feeling prose-y, I can't find fault with it. Personally, I like lots of description in some poems - and you do it very well here. Stanza 5 = genius, in my opinion. And the penultimate and concluding stanzas work perfectly with the feel of the piece; a sort of resigned satisfaction.
I hope I don't sound pretentious or patronising, but your writing has got so much better in recent posts!
Ha!
You need to change it to:
"I'll knit you a sweater
And things will get better"
In order for it to genuinely be a limerick.
I heard from a friend that someone he knows got beaten up by a gang of about 17 emo kids...unbelievable isn't it? I can only assume they managed to depress him half to death...
You need to change it to:
"I'll knit you a sweater
And things will get better"
In order for it to genuinely be a limerick.
I heard from a friend that someone he knows got beaten up by a gang of about 17 emo kids...unbelievable isn't it? I can only assume they managed to depress him half to death...
on The great seven of Coloumbia the space ship by Dhanesh M Kumar
10 Mar 2006, 3:45 AM
This is nice as a tribute, although grammatically it needs improvement. 'To siege' doesn't work - you can use siege as a verb, but it becomes 'besiege'. If you want it as a noun, put a comma after it "To siege, off beyond..." 'Up the fore' doesn't work either, I don't think. 'To the fore' would be fine though. Lines 4-6 I think I know what you mean but the wording is awkward. Also 'Colombia'. I think there are a couple of other corrections that need making, but I'll let someone else spot them.
I really like the talk of seven seas/wonders/capes/sages, and 'the seven pearls of Colombia' is a great line. So is 'perhaps in pursuit of capes of ether'.
Keep working at this one, it promises to be a really good poem!
I really like the talk of seven seas/wonders/capes/sages, and 'the seven pearls of Colombia' is a great line. So is 'perhaps in pursuit of capes of ether'.
Keep working at this one, it promises to be a really good poem!
replying on Breakfast by Dhanesh M Kumar
9 Mar 2006, 6:05 PM
Please run for Prime Minister.
I'm not joking.
I'm not joking.
replying on Spring Rolls by Ranger
9 Mar 2006, 2:39 PM
No idea, I'm living here as a...ssh...as a student...so my heritage is English - but I shall have to find out in the summer. My New Year's resolution was to explore the country of my residence a bit more, when I have some money I might buy a decent pair of walking boots and terrorise some ramblers. But not until the summer.
I did climb Snowdon once, the 'hard way' (i.e. by train). It was quite impressive at the top, despite being one hundred percent inside a massive cloud.
I did climb Snowdon once, the 'hard way' (i.e. by train). It was quite impressive at the top, despite being one hundred percent inside a massive cloud.
replying on Sour Apple by ecargo
9 Mar 2006, 2:30 PM
Oh man...I just wrote an epic comment only for Internet Exploder to fall apart...*tears hair out*
Okay, so what did I write? Oh yes. 'Damascened' works perfectly where it is for both the differing shades of bark on the trees, and also if you imagine the rose in front of a tree - 'jagged' ties it in with the metal theme very nicely. The great effect you get from it is that stanzas 1-3 give a very grey-sky steely colour to the piece - then there's a quick flash of vivid green, suddenly replaced again by the silver-grey mirror. It fits extremely well, particularly given that this place isn't for her - 'she is haste and neon hues' (another great line, by the way!)
'Let her stride' is a good line, although I got the impression of her striding away from this grey land, rather than to it. Also, 'sun fails' and 'wind whines' are pretty worn - you could get away with keeping one of them, but in my opinion you'd do well to change at least one. The idea of towers and canyons brings images of teeth, which again sits nicely alongside 'jagged' - that whole theme is really well done, the jagged metal teeth sound very evil indeed.
And finally - 'bird-flashed lake' is fantastic!
Okay, so what did I write? Oh yes. 'Damascened' works perfectly where it is for both the differing shades of bark on the trees, and also if you imagine the rose in front of a tree - 'jagged' ties it in with the metal theme very nicely. The great effect you get from it is that stanzas 1-3 give a very grey-sky steely colour to the piece - then there's a quick flash of vivid green, suddenly replaced again by the silver-grey mirror. It fits extremely well, particularly given that this place isn't for her - 'she is haste and neon hues' (another great line, by the way!)
'Let her stride' is a good line, although I got the impression of her striding away from this grey land, rather than to it. Also, 'sun fails' and 'wind whines' are pretty worn - you could get away with keeping one of them, but in my opinion you'd do well to change at least one. The idea of towers and canyons brings images of teeth, which again sits nicely alongside 'jagged' - that whole theme is really well done, the jagged metal teeth sound very evil indeed.
And finally - 'bird-flashed lake' is fantastic!
How about changing the whole rhyme. Maybe 'their minute arcs/sleepless in the dark' instead? I'm not sure, it might or might not work.
I spent hours yesterday trying my hand at a villanelle so I'm kind of rhymed out at the moment.