Re: Instructions to a Sculptor by Christof	9-Jun-06/3:35 AM
If poetic Armageddon arrived, and I could only keep one poem out of every one ever written, it would be this one. Line six - 'through' instead of 'between'?
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	9-Jun-06/3:29 AM
You're back! Awesome, it's been so quiet here recently...a lot of people are still just logging in, posting and logging out again. I trust the workload isn't too much? Best of luck for everything you have left in your schedule. Viole - I thought you might get it ;-D It's also hinting at how little the musician needs to stray before turning a beautiful piece into a mess. And believe me, it's easy to screw up these tunes... P.S. - amateur? :-p
Re: Camden Gaithright by MacFrantic	7-Jun-06/5:20 AM
Superb. The final line seemed a little off-rhythm to me, or maybe a bit too long. Either way, it shouldn't be too tricky to fix. Also, being stupid as I am, I read it as 'A God accepting is a God deranged'. P.S. - I wrote a paradelle recently. Damn tricky form.
Re: Split Me by Sunny	7-Jun-06/5:10 AM
Hey Sunny, as promised I'm still reading through a couple of your poems although my brain isn't tuned in at the moment. I can see something behind this poem but at the moment it's blurry. I have been pretty tired recently (lots of football etc.) so bear with me. As usual the lines are great to read and well structured. As a general point though, I'd be wary of using words such as 'irrupting' - uncommon words which closely resemble much more widely-used ones. It's just that if the reader doesn't have as wide a vocabulary as you (as is the case with most of us) they're going to be prone to assuming you've made a mistake. I've read enough of your poems to know that you don't make such errors, but a reader who doesn't have instant access to references (i.e. dictionary.com) may be put off unjustly. Well, that's it for now...I hope I start thinking properly again soon.
Re: a comment on An Invitation From Poetry.com by scitz	6-Jun-06/1:17 PM
Heh
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	6-Jun-06/12:50 PM
Thanks for your comment, Amanda - it's always nice to hear from you and especially when poemranker's being as quiet as it is right now. The poem's meant to be distracting - partly to reflect the nature of the music, and also so that when people tell me they think it's about sex I can look indignant and accuse them of having a one-track mind ;-) Viole is, on the surface meaning from 'viol', being the root of violin, viola, violoncello - the guitar's tuning (the 'toned' neck) being equivalent to what you'd get if you tuned any of those instruments up on 3 of the 4 strings. Technically it should be 'viol' I think, but in the latinate context of the piece I thought I could get away with it. I'll leave the explanation of the french part for now - maybe someone will piece that bit together.
Re: An Invitation From Poetry.com by scitz	5-Jun-06/9:19 AM
If you could read that poem out loud in front of 2500 poets (from 58 countries worldwide!) and keep a straight face you would deserve your $200.00 value! Love the salad idea.
Re: The Angel at the arcade (this is actually an 'acne') by scitz	5-Jun-06/9:15 AM
Damnation, I was going to steal this to read aloud at a convention of poets in the hopes of stealing all the glory. You are the master of pimpliterature (not to be confused with pimp literature, something altogether different) and as such will always be awarded tens due to the dictates of the Mediocrity Checkliste. I have to admit, the place missed you, not that I've been around all that much, but still. 90 percent of all the poetry I've read online (mostly on MySpace) conforms to the stylistic regulations of this piece. I've left a few comments with people telling them what they've done wrong, but rarely ever been replied to. However, I'd like to suggest that the definition of a Pimple ought to be updated to include 'Must contain at least one reference to a rose'.
Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	2-Jun-06/4:29 PM
Agreed with Imp, I'd also suggest you need a little more tactility in the last two stanzas and a few more rhythmic/grammatical alterations. 'Mist of sadness does remain' is a nice line, but personally I dislike use of 'do/does' as syllabic filler - it brings nothing grammatically and could be overcome easily ('mist of sadness still remains', or something similar). As far as first posts go, though, I've seen much worse. Welcome to poemranker - my tip is that if you want comments (which I assume you do) you're going to need to give a lot out. People seem to have been very quiet recently; you need to get their attention.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	2-Jun-06/4:22 PM
Lune - more or less spot on. Viole is the right word, but it's not a dictionary.com reference, sadly. I'll wait and see what other people make of it before attempting the explanation. Hope you have a relaxed weekend!
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	2-Jun-06/11:36 AM
Wow, that was a lengthy read. I like the fundamental setup of the piece but you lose the rhythm in places and it needs to be solid throughout, because if it does, the swift flow of it will make the poem feel less epic to the reader. Stanza 1 was the best; you stuck close to the way in which an old man would tell his tales there. In stanzas 2 and 3 it gets quite abstract - talking about feelings, beliefs etc. - whereas someone talking about their life would be more likely to use events to convey emotions. There are some lines/passages in here which are very forced; these really ought to be worked out - if you're telling a tale, keep the sentence structure pretty much identical to how it would be if you were writing this as a chunk of prose. I'll let somebody else take over here...
Re: When You Wish by Enkidu	2-Jun-06/11:29 AM
Catchy, although the flow could be worked on in a few places - for example the first line's pretty abrupt. Maybe make it: 'I watched a star that/wasn't really shooting...' Nice rhymes though and the end has a decent ambiguity to it; the contrast between not believing something and still having that glimmer of hope that the mysteries you believed in as a child might just be true. Or something like that.
Re: Heil Pope by Caducus	2-Jun-06/11:23 AM
I get the point of this, but I feel it would be stronger if it was less direct. 'Heil Father' would make for a catchier title, and 'heil' is an awkward word to use in a haiku because the way it's pronounced is borderline 1-2 syllables ('hai-yull').
Re: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	2-Jun-06/11:17 AM
This is strong although the rhythm is interrupted in line 8 and the final two lines. Perhaps: 'He still loves them' 'From dark November/The light of spring'
Re: a comment on FM.PM by oneglove	2-Jun-06/11:14 AM
I remember reading the original draft of this, though I don't recall all the specifics of it. I like this edit.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	2-Jun-06/11:10 AM
Stanza 4 - a spot of francophony to give a subtle reminder how thin the line is between musical beauty and ugliness...does that give any clues?
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	1-Jun-06/4:16 PM
Dude You have just made me the happiest poet in all Christendom! That is so close to being the perfect reading of this; it was written about my guitar (stomach of the guitar rising as I breathe, and it was the guitar singing just as much as the girl) but quite honestly I couldn't have asked for a closer interpretation. I'm afraid the Hemingway reference wasn't something I was aware of: I generally play in the evening (as should most music!) as the sun's setting and my lamp has a red shade, which just seems appropriate somehow. You're spot on with flamenco (although I suck at it, I'm learning though), and white scars are indeed frets and the nylon strings. "Latin heritage" = "Herencia Latina", I do believe; 'tis also the name of a flamenco piece. There's one more thing hidden in there as well, I wonder if anyone will pick up on it... You got the important stuff though, and for that I thank you!
Re: a comment on Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	1-Jun-06/2:38 PM
No worries, I love your poetry and it makes me think which gains it bonus points. And to be honest, if this is a sloppy first draft, well it puts my drafts to shame. As for the 'dog' bit, well I'm about to be in out of my depth, but I'll try to make some sense with my limited knowledge. My lit. theory lecturer is pretty much a disciple of William Empson, so the influence has filtered down, and now I have some free time I can actually give his works a proper read. He pretty much revolutionised the way in which Paradise Lost is interpreted, and did the same for quite a lot of other poems. As for 'dog', that is down to words being 'pregnant' with meanings. So in this instance, 'dog' would have been a term of abuse in Shakespearean times, but recently the attitudes towards it have shifted, and it's even become a term of endearment ('you sly dog' etc.). The same goes for our attitudes towards the actual creatures - they range from being the gutter strays to being man's best friend. I just found it interesting how in this you say that the dogs 'once harassed', but give the impression that it's not so bad any more...and then you say that you 'love everything' not long afterwards. In similar fashion, you seem to hate life in general at the start, but then the dislike fades as you love everything and marvel at the trees, not to mention the opulence. When I've actually properly read some of Empson's work I might be able to give a better account. As for using 'white' the way you do, I've been thinking about it and although I'd still like to see it edited, I wonder if it might lose its force a little. I don't know, we'll have to find out that one. And I'm sure people would tell you if you lost your bikini top, although I suppose it depends how you look without it, really :-p I'll return to this one to see what else I can find in it; I always enjoy the challenges your writing sets!
Re: Still Air Sticks by Sunny	1-Jun-06/2:15 PM
I see nothing grammatically wrong with this. Morrows are also merely 'mornings', with a little interpretation that line makes perfect sense to me, although it is admittedly a fairly archaic usage of the word. What I love about your poetry (among other things) is that I just keep getting drawn back...whenever I think I've cracked something, I see something else which could lead to another route of interpretation. I don't often find that balance in poetry. Not only that, but I always find myself learning new vocabulary and advanced lexicon without the poem feeling at all stilted. I like having to do a bit of research when I'm reading poems, and you leave enough clues within the lines to point me in the right direction. As for this particular poem, well I have a few ideas brewing about it to which I will return tomorrow. For now I'll just say that if my inclination is right, and I figure this one out without too much assistance, this is probably your best so far. I wouldn't normally vote this early in a reading, but to nullify the trolling damage here's a 9. I'll be back to this one though, rest assured.
Re: razorblade kisses by wordpainter	1-Jun-06/1:57 PM
Okay, let's see what can be said about this one. I'd recommend not writing about suicide or self-harm in poetry for the most part; if you have a look through the archives here you will find thousands of poems all running along the same lines as this. That's not to say that you shouldn't write about it if it's something you want to write about, but you have to bear in mind that the audience (i.e. other poemranker users) will have seen more 'pain' poetry than we'd like to remember so if you want it to be read, it has to be seriously memorable. Be inventive, be unique, be as original as you can. Read, say, thirty suicide poems on here, note every recurring phrase or image, and never use them in anything you write. The best way to be creative is by devising new metaphors. Often a poem which is written with a gentle surface but creepier undertones is far more hard-hitting than a poem which just says 'I cut myself'. The ultimate achievement is to write a piece which seems all happy and joyful, but leaves the reader with a nagging doubt until they finally realise that it's about bestial necrophilia. Or something like that. Next point - the eternal rule is 'show, don't tell'. If you show me a scene with enough clues for me to interpret it, I will be far more interested than if you tell me there's a dead body in a river. Last point for now (I'll come back to this if you want) - don't write about abstract emotions and concepts too much. Use strong, powerful images (and other poetic devices) and these will automatically carry the force of whatever feelings you're trying to convey. Well that's it for now, good luck with your writing. I'd advise giving a few comments and votes to people, otherwise you may find yourself lacking - particularly at the moment; hardly anyone's saying anything at the moment. Peace