Re: Engine Braking by INTRANSIT	8-Dec-07/4:34 AM
Perfect word choice, but it left me wanting something more. Do you use sat-nav in your cab?
Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT	25-Oct-07/2:11 AM
No time for a proper commente just yet but I will say this has fired me up to write something today. Cheers!
Re: _______ by Dovina	25-Oct-07/2:03 AM
It sounds fantastic, although I'm not sure that "underlined nothing" is such a catchy title...
Re: a comment on Winter Moon by Musicman	25-Oct-07/2:01 AM
She got the fear of definite articles from me. It's catching.
Re: Parasite by Christof	21-Oct-07/1:40 PM
Good poeme, although the train comes in maybe a little too abruptly, and "very least" sounds a bit too chunky to end with. Love the idea though.
Re: Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0	21-Oct-07/1:35 PM
Intransit's given the comment that you need to be going on with for now. This doesn't deserve a 0 - it's got the basics of metaphor and vivid imagery in here, and that counts for something. What you need to do now is learn to control those things, make them subtle when appropriate, direct when appropriate. A lot of people will tell you that you have to write "from your own experience", but to be honest that's a load of tosh. While you're learning the trade it's just as easy (possibly more so, in fact) to write about something that you haven't had first-hand experience of. You clearly know a few poetic devices (lots of alliteration in here), now you need to work out when to use them. Listen to the sounds and cadence of the words and, more than anything, devour some of the classic poems so you have some good examples of poetry to work with. -8- because I'm nice like that.
Re: Wayne, do you? by T. Jonathron Remp	21-Oct-07/1:28 PM
Good fun
Re: While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT	21-Oct-07/1:25 PM
I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.
Re: a comment on Another Date by Dovina	28-Sep-07/2:19 AM
Snickers
Re: Solstice, 2007 by lectricprincess	28-Sep-07/2:12 AM
This seemed to be more suitable for a monologue rather than a poem - it feels as though it wants the lyrical embellishments of a poem, but delivered through other means (background ambience, music maybe). It would also benefit from the images evolving; what you have is mostly a collection of often-used ideas (weather, ocean, leaves etc.) which are nice but seem a little insubstantial. If you can add some truly original passages to go with the stock phrases then in my opinion it would become infinitely more engaging. On a lighter note, I went to the summer solstice at Stonehenge a few years back and it was marvellous. I'm not sure which was better; the ceremonial theatrics, or the trampling over peoples' faces in the dark because they were too paralytic to care.
Re: Rooster Rape by Dovina	20-Sep-07/1:51 AM
Is line two missing something?
Re: a comment on Rooster Rape by Dovina	20-Sep-07/1:50 AM
Shove a maddening cock into pr anals? What has this place descended to in my absence?
Re: Master by Dovina	20-Sep-07/1:47 AM
Funny thing is that I didn't read any cynicism in this, except for where the title is concerned.
Re: Love from, by thetrev	20-Sep-07/1:46 AM
I haven't read a great deal of sestinas, usually they bore me. This is different; you direct attention away from the ends of lines, which makes all the difference. There are one or two places which seem forced and should be ironed out for the sake of perfection ("and my haunt" is the obvious one). I absolutely loved "my fingers jumped from pools of fluorescent water to cats haunting crusty archways". Almost perfect :-)
Re: Pulling the hill (formerly-in response to) by INTRANSIT	20-Sep-07/1:35 AM
My very first thought upon reading the opening line was that this is crying out to be moulded into a form - sonnet was the one that sprang to mind. It would work equally well as a monologue, although I think it'd have to be a narration to a film clip or something similar. Otherwise you risk creating a large (and quite impressive) description with not much to hook the reader. Forming it would create a rhythm, a movement to capture the reader.
Re: Plug my Phone In by jessicazee	20-Sep-07/1:29 AM
The second stanza is perfect (perhaps change the position of 'sacred' as our trucker suggests). "He's teaching school now" wants editing, in my opinion and the last line is very abrupt. Maybe that's what you were after though?
Re: Little Talons by richa	3-Sep-07/6:56 AM
Nice idea, but it really needs to either be fully punctuated, or not punctuated at all (and let the word and line arrangement do the work). As it is, we have: Little talons that I feel perch on my shoulder when I look on the apple and the hair and I listen to the cough and the chatter. Little talons that I feel even in the absence of such things I could not imagine you not perched on my shoulder you could be mere apparition and still I could not get rid of you, I could only lose you. Little talons.
Re: daddy's little girl by imfine_really7	28-Aug-07/2:36 PM
In poetic terms it could be improved. In real life terms I do hope it's not from personal experience.
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	28-Aug-07/2:34 PM
I always chat. If you know the rules of cricket, so much the better.
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	28-Aug-07/2:33 PM
Your email's set to 'private/not displayed'!