poemranker ::Winter Moon by Musicman

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Free verse № 154236

Winter Moon

by Musicman

Member since 2007 · Posted 24 Oct 2007 · Edited 4 Nov 2007 · 11 comments

crisp clear night stills the winter moon bittersweet old memories loom time marks the shadows’ walk of barren trees and farmers’ stalks last lonely leaf tumbles to the lake serpentine swell marks the water’s wake a reflection of her presence quakes winter moon’s white shimmer

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11 comments

[9] Dovina 24-Oct-07/11:39 AM Reply
This is good. I think the telling "bittersweet" opener can go. "the serpentine swell" - drop "the" I think. Actually, take a look at all the articles in verse 2.

We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.
[n/a] Musicman › Dovina 24-Oct-07/12:37 PM Reply
Interesting view and thank you for your gift! I am most cognizant of the articles in S2. More "A's" rather than so many "the's". I am impressed! This was a very early poem for me and it still brings back a great memory of my childhood.
[8] Ranger › Musicman 25-Oct-07/2:01 AM Reply
She got the fear of definite articles from me. It's catching.
[n/a] Musicman › Dovina 24-Oct-07/12:42 PM Reply
I just started to peruse this site yesterday. It is becoming obvious to me that we have a lot of poets on a steep learning curve. One of my favorite sites is pathetic.org. A lot of wonderful poetry and recognized poets. Try it sometime, if for nothing else the site is beautifully done (I hate adverbs in my poetry, so pardon mine).
[10] INTRANSIT › Musicman 27-Oct-07/3:37 PM Reply
Steep? That's an understatement. 6 years plugging at this and still not and inch of progress. Or so it feels. How does it feel after 30?
[10] INTRANSIT › INTRANSIT 27-Oct-07/3:39 PM Reply
Almost forgot, for some reason I want > winter < at the end of the last. You're the one with the music though.
[7] Sasha 28-Oct-07/10:44 PM Reply
Starlit night: Cliché

Nightly gloom: Redundant cliché

Find a less cliché word than "Ghostly"

Other than that, not bad
[n/a] Musicman › Sasha 4-Nov-07/1:38 AM Reply
Hmm, that is an interesting look at this. I did not see starlit night as necessarily cliche, but is overused in other forms of writing (short stories and novels. I will work on this and see what comes up. Thank you for your time and the gift of feedback Sasha!
[n/a] Musicman 4-Nov-07/1:53 AM Reply
I took the advice of my fellow poets and rewrote and submit for your comments. Thank you all.
[10] INTRANSIT › Musicman 4-Nov-07/5:20 AM Reply
Yes, cleaner.
[10] deleted user 11-Nov-07/3:02 AM Reply
The musicality of this poem is wonderful--you definitely are the Musicman. Great work.