Poemranker [Poem: Winter Moon] [by Musicman] Thu Nov 21 10:51:00 PST 2024

[9] Dovina @ 75.82.86.162 | 24-Oct-07/11:39 AM | Reply

This is good. I think the telling "bittersweet" opener can go. "the serpentine swell" - drop "the" I think. Actually, take a look at all the articles in verse 2.

We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.

[n/a] Musicman @ 192.208.44.100 > Dovina | 24-Oct-07/12:37 PM | Reply

Interesting view and thank you for your gift! I am most cognizant of the articles in S2. More "A's" rather than so many "the's". I am impressed! This was a very early poem for me and it still brings back a great memory of my childhood.

[8] Ranger @ 86.131.50.184 > Musicman | 25-Oct-07/2:01 AM | Reply

She got the fear of definite articles from me. It's catching.

[n/a] Musicman @ 192.208.44.100 > Dovina | 24-Oct-07/12:42 PM | Reply

I just started to peruse this site yesterday. It is becoming obvious to me that we have a lot of poets on a steep learning curve. One of my favorite sites is pathetic.org. A lot of wonderful poetry and recognized poets. Try it sometime, if for nothing else the site is beautifully done (I hate adverbs in my poetry, so pardon mine).

[10] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 > Musicman | 27-Oct-07/3:37 PM | Reply

Steep? That's an understatement. 6 years plugging at this and still not and inch of progress. Or so it feels. How does it feel after 30?

[10] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 > INTRANSIT | 27-Oct-07/3:39 PM | Reply

Almost forgot, for some reason I want > winter < at the end of the last. You're the one with the music though.

[7] Sasha @ 128.135.194.190 | 28-Oct-07/10:44 PM | Reply

Starlit night: ClichÃ©

Nightly gloom: Redundant clichÃ©

Find a less clichÃ© word than "Ghostly"

Other than that, not bad

[n/a] Musicman @ 192.208.44.100 > Sasha | 4-Nov-07/1:38 AM | Reply

Hmm, that is an interesting look at this. I did not see starlit night as necessarily cliche, but is overused in other forms of writing (short stories and novels. I will work on this and see what comes up. Thank you for your time and the gift of feedback Sasha!

[n/a] Musicman @ 192.208.44.100 | 4-Nov-07/1:53 AM | Reply

I took the advice of my fellow poets and rewrote and submit for your comments. Thank you all.

[10] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 > Musicman | 4-Nov-07/5:20 AM | Reply

Yes, cleaner.

[10] deleted user @ 63.127.193.79 | 11-Nov-07/3:02 AM | Reply

The musicality of this poem is wonderful--you definitely are the Musicman. Great work.