| Re: February Loneliness by BenRice |
18-Dec-02/2:13 AM |
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We've had A Hitchcock invasion of crows in the last few days, liked the last 7-8 lines -7-
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| Re: lackluster fear by blackball |
18-Dec-02/2:21 AM |
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I drowned in this deep river, you came from a clever angle on love here, sophisticated, and no holds barred.*8*
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Dec-02/2:24 AM |
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Are we that bad? This is quite good in observation but lacks narrative. However I like your use of language you say a lot with little
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| Re: of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT |
18-Dec-02/3:17 AM |
Doubt you'll even see this comment, hope so as I've grafted on this work of yours.
I think a poem of chess is a good subject and this could benefit as GW suggested from maybe a metaphor like 'Royal blood drips from its master, drier than the falling sand, Pawns in numbers advance, Kings remain seated, armies depleted, Death begins the devils dance, Black and white combat, so true to life, inconclusive, slain to the rhythm of superior thought.
Well that took 5 mins and its a bit messed up but hope i may have helped.
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| Re: wax by New Life Drug |
18-Dec-02/4:54 AM |
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Hoped it would be about bikin line, however babybel cheeses have never been written about as far as i know.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Dec-02/4:56 AM |
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This just goes on too long, your rhyme schemes good enough but its a dud firework, nothing original to offer the heartbreak genre -5-
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Dec-02/6:51 AM |
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This blows your trumpet, well done
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| Re: Holding On by Katie2 |
18-Dec-02/9:10 AM |
Littered with bad grammar and spelling mistakes which sadly loses the reader from enjoying your work, flow interuption pisses people off on here, welcome to poemranker katie 2, help us to help ourselves this is the literary last supper for poets.
(re-edit and re-submit this and good luck on here.
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| Re: Frozen Angel by Ranger |
18-Dec-02/10:01 AM |
This is your best rangerman and yogi likes it.
On stanza 3 you could change the last line slightly to 'Which way around would they be faced? (it rhymes and flows better)
Stanza 4 is a credit to you, I would've been pleased writing it.
Anyway as for not fully comprehending your work - worry not - as someone wise recently said on this site their is a certain magic, allurement to writing from the heart as it shows the characted of the poet as well as its subjects or subject. The last stanza is almost a poem on its own and the last stanza flows like wine at the last supper.
I have some suggestions for S2, they were merely reactionary thoughts after i had read yours.
She stands alone like one of stone
Buried deep in HALLOWED ground,
ASLEEP, FROM PRYING SOULS THAT GAZE THROUGH MORTAL WINDOWS,
UNDER THE WINGS OF THE CRYSTAL ANGEL,
SHE IS THE SOUND OF ITS WINGS,
FREE, FROM THE CONFINES OF DAY, OF NIGHT,
DESTINED TO BE SUNSHINE AND THE GLIMMER OF MOONLIGHT.
The lilting rain brings no more pain
To ears bereft of sound
Her wings caress AN abandoned nest
Caring for them 'till they're found,
And when, unchained,
LOVE CORONATES HER,
AND SHE IS ORDAINED, SHE IS FOUND
AND THE STANGLING VINES OF TIME have unwound.
(my version is in bold)
its hard to do this in this box.
anyway have an 8, its very good.
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| Re: Frozen Angel by Ranger |
18-Dec-02/10:04 AM |
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By the way I took your advice and wrote something happy its called 'Sawn off shotgun'
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| Re: joyriding by Bill Z Bub |
19-Dec-02/2:34 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
19-Dec-02/2:36 AM |
What would we do without our Mums?.
Your a paragon of the perceptive GW, and you also piss me off because I just cant criticise your stuff, boo hoo, boo hoo (shouldnt you be in bed)?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
19-Dec-02/3:00 AM |
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Is their something sinister in 'penetrating color' zzinnia mentioned 'gray' as a negative is this the case with you?
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| Re: of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT |
19-Dec-02/3:04 AM |
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Like this better, but being part of the whole seems to incomplete the poem maybe say of the whole ..... something (game seems to basic) fuck it anyway its very good I/T
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| Re: no cure by New Life Drug |
19-Dec-02/4:24 AM |
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Quite Moving and a very credible stanza 2-4 ========8 tears---
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| Re: no cure by New Life Drug |
19-Dec-02/4:24 AM |
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Quite Moving and a very credible stanza 2-4 ========8 tears---
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| Re: no cure by New Life Drug |
19-Dec-02/4:25 AM |
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victims and masters of our own disasters
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| Re: before I forget by moonUnit |
19-Dec-02/4:28 AM |
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Original, I love poems that have lines like yours' the hat you made me wear for school -the one that was itchy' its so true to life and representative of childhood memories, this makes me want to eat my mums crap xmas cake just coz i love her ===8=
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| Re: Time by marvelis |
19-Dec-02/4:31 AM |
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USER INTRANSIT, wrote a line about ripping the guts from a grandfather clock, i cant recall the title but you would like that poem of his (ask him). This was quite intelligently written, and i think a 3 votes a bit negative, maybe do this as a haiku ? think of some choice lines **6**
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| Re: Sword of All by marvelis |
19-Dec-02/4:35 AM |
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this is well written, and i to favour power poetry and rhyme (saw your details) i think the sword needs to go back in the scabbard as it needs a little sharpening, what is your point? it seems a little all over the place. -05-
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