on some deleted poem
18 Dec 2002, 6:51 AM
This blows your trumpet, well done
on no cure by New Life Drug
19 Dec 2002, 4:24 AM
Quite Moving and a very credible stanza 2-4 ========8 tears---
on wax by New Life Drug
18 Dec 2002, 4:54 AM
Hoped it would be about bikin line, however babybel cheeses have never been written about as far as i know.
on some deleted poem
18 Dec 2002, 4:56 AM
This just goes on too long, your rhyme schemes good enough but its a dud firework, nothing original to offer the heartbreak genre -5-
on no cure by New Life Drug
19 Dec 2002, 4:24 AM
Quite Moving and a very credible stanza 2-4 ========8 tears---
on no cure by New Life Drug
19 Dec 2002, 4:25 AM
victims and masters of our own disasters
on before I forget by moonUnit
19 Dec 2002, 4:28 AM
Original, I love poems that have lines like yours' the hat you made me wear for school -the one that was itchy' its so true to life and representative of childhood memories, this makes me want to eat my mums crap xmas cake just coz i love her ===8=
USER INTRANSIT, wrote a line about ripping the guts from a grandfather clock, i cant recall the title but you would like that poem of his (ask him). This was quite intelligently written, and i think a 3 votes a bit negative, maybe do this as a haiku ? think of some choice lines **6**
on Sword of All by marvelis
19 Dec 2002, 4:35 AM
this is well written, and i to favour power poetry and rhyme (saw your details) i think the sword needs to go back in the scabbard as it needs a little sharpening, what is your point? it seems a little all over the place. -05-
on some deleted poem
19 Dec 2002, 2:36 AM
What would we do without our Mums?.
Your a paragon of the perceptive GW, and you also piss me off because I just cant criticise your stuff, boo hoo, boo hoo (shouldnt you be in bed)?
Your a paragon of the perceptive GW, and you also piss me off because I just cant criticise your stuff, boo hoo, boo hoo (shouldnt you be in bed)?
on some deleted poem
19 Dec 2002, 3:00 AM
Is their something sinister in 'penetrating color' zzinnia mentioned 'gray' as a negative is this the case with you?
on of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT
19 Dec 2002, 3:04 AM
Like this better, but being part of the whole seems to incomplete the poem maybe say of the whole ..... something (game seems to basic) fuck it anyway its very good I/T
on Holding On by Katie2
18 Dec 2002, 9:10 AM
Littered with bad grammar and spelling mistakes which sadly loses the reader from enjoying your work, flow interuption pisses people off on here, welcome to poemranker katie 2, help us to help ourselves this is the literary last supper for poets.
(re-edit and re-submit this and good luck on here.
(re-edit and re-submit this and good luck on here.
on Frozen Angel by Ranger
18 Dec 2002, 10:01 AM
This is your best rangerman and yogi likes it.
On stanza 3 you could change the last line slightly to 'Which way around would they be faced? (it rhymes and flows better)
Stanza 4 is a credit to you, I would've been pleased writing it.
Anyway as for not fully comprehending your work - worry not - as someone wise recently said on this site their is a certain magic, allurement to writing from the heart as it shows the characted of the poet as well as its subjects or subject. The last stanza is almost a poem on its own and the last stanza flows like wine at the last supper.
I have some suggestions for S2, they were merely reactionary thoughts after i had read yours.
She stands alone like one of stone
Buried deep in HALLOWED ground,
ASLEEP, FROM PRYING SOULS THAT GAZE THROUGH MORTAL WINDOWS,
UNDER THE WINGS OF THE CRYSTAL ANGEL,
SHE IS THE SOUND OF ITS WINGS,
FREE, FROM THE CONFINES OF DAY, OF NIGHT,
DESTINED TO BE SUNSHINE AND THE GLIMMER OF MOONLIGHT.
The lilting rain brings no more pain
To ears bereft of sound
Her wings caress AN abandoned nest
Caring for them 'till they're found,
And when, unchained,
LOVE CORONATES HER,
AND SHE IS ORDAINED, SHE IS FOUND
AND THE STANGLING VINES OF TIME have unwound.
(my version is in bold)
its hard to do this in this box.
anyway have an 8, its very good.
On stanza 3 you could change the last line slightly to 'Which way around would they be faced? (it rhymes and flows better)
Stanza 4 is a credit to you, I would've been pleased writing it.
Anyway as for not fully comprehending your work - worry not - as someone wise recently said on this site their is a certain magic, allurement to writing from the heart as it shows the characted of the poet as well as its subjects or subject. The last stanza is almost a poem on its own and the last stanza flows like wine at the last supper.
I have some suggestions for S2, they were merely reactionary thoughts after i had read yours.
She stands alone like one of stone
Buried deep in HALLOWED ground,
ASLEEP, FROM PRYING SOULS THAT GAZE THROUGH MORTAL WINDOWS,
UNDER THE WINGS OF THE CRYSTAL ANGEL,
SHE IS THE SOUND OF ITS WINGS,
FREE, FROM THE CONFINES OF DAY, OF NIGHT,
DESTINED TO BE SUNSHINE AND THE GLIMMER OF MOONLIGHT.
The lilting rain brings no more pain
To ears bereft of sound
Her wings caress AN abandoned nest
Caring for them 'till they're found,
And when, unchained,
LOVE CORONATES HER,
AND SHE IS ORDAINED, SHE IS FOUND
AND THE STANGLING VINES OF TIME have unwound.
(my version is in bold)
its hard to do this in this box.
anyway have an 8, its very good.
on lackluster fear by blackball
18 Dec 2002, 2:21 AM
I drowned in this deep river, you came from a clever angle on love here, sophisticated, and no holds barred.*8*
on some deleted poem
18 Dec 2002, 2:24 AM
Are we that bad? This is quite good in observation but lacks narrative. However I like your use of language you say a lot with little
on of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT
18 Dec 2002, 3:17 AM
Doubt you'll even see this comment, hope so as I've grafted on this work of yours.
I think a poem of chess is a good subject and this could benefit as GW suggested from maybe a metaphor like 'Royal blood drips from its master, drier than the falling sand, Pawns in numbers advance, Kings remain seated, armies depleted, Death begins the devils dance, Black and white combat, so true to life, inconclusive, slain to the rhythm of superior thought.
Well that took 5 mins and its a bit messed up but hope i may have helped.
I think a poem of chess is a good subject and this could benefit as GW suggested from maybe a metaphor like 'Royal blood drips from its master, drier than the falling sand, Pawns in numbers advance, Kings remain seated, armies depleted, Death begins the devils dance, Black and white combat, so true to life, inconclusive, slain to the rhythm of superior thought.
Well that took 5 mins and its a bit messed up but hope i may have helped.
on February Loneliness by BenRice
18 Dec 2002, 2:13 AM
We've had A Hitchcock invasion of crows in the last few days, liked the last 7-8 lines -7-
on Frozen Angel by Ranger
18 Dec 2002, 10:04 AM
By the way I took your advice and wrote something happy its called 'Sawn off shotgun'
on joyriding by Bill Z Bub
19 Dec 2002, 2:34 AM
C'est Parfait