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of people and places (final cut)I (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I was studying the pattern of
a tile mosaic once.
I couldn't tell you
how many colors there were.
Or shades of colors.
Or how many there were.
Each tile
a little frame occupying
it's own space.
No competition or noise.
Just being part
of the whole.
Up the ladder:
Frozen beauty
Down the ladder:
Threnody
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3
Posted: December 17, 2002 2:14 PM PST; Last modified: December 18, 2002 6:01 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.65 Overall Rank: 2120 Comments:
Theecond stanza's beautiful. I almost wish you could leave out the last stanza, but something needs to be said. could you come up with a metaphor? What were you looking at/thinking of when you wrote this?
I liked the question better than what you changed it to.
Disagree. The question was pointless and distracted the reader. Get to the point with confidence. Don't question the reader when you have something to say. But GW is a visionary. So I would listen to her. 10-4?
I'm not saying the question is necessarily the best idea, but I liked it more than what he changed it to. The current stanza feels stoic and purely academic, like I'm in class and the teacher's asking me to pay attention. It doesn't work for me with respect to the idea behind the poem. I think there is a better alternative, What do you think?
Again Intransit, the second stanza has so much heart, and the word 'little' carries the scent of indearnment; study just seems to stern an introduction. You're the only one who knows the truth. I don't like Boston Market as a rule, but they make a hell of a creamed spinach, with anice Chardonnay it's quite the meal.
I haven't heard til now. Do you eat lots of oatmeal?
I am not sure; his words. I am also an oil slave who has no right to teach anything having to do with Latin America. Let's see, I am also a poser in both of your eyes and lack all forms of integrity and I make you and he sick to digest. And the world is ending and also my poetry is almost over. He is quite the talent with threats. Let's hope the fists retain the power lacking with his words. It should be an event. Please, come and watch. Hold me in between rounds. Teach me new tangos while I whisper the secrets of the last frontier against your Argentine skin.
What on earth are you talking about? I said we are all poseurs. You are hard to swallow PAKI, but you like it that way. The world has always been ending; Carbon made always wants to be unmade. He'll kick your ass, I wouldn't if I we're you. I don't want to watch, and you don't want me to hold you. You've forgotten how to learn. Your whispers carry a heavy debt, like mustard gas.
what about the pretentious? you still haven't answered my questions
i think you'll find that should have been
Moi, pretentious? No not you. God'swife seemed to suggest earlier that ==Doylum was pretentious. The questions were for her. But while we are on the subject of answereing earlier questions, and since shes ignoring me, what happened to handshandy?
Did I call you pretentious? That's just my word du jour. We are all pretentious fucks. Anyway you are not who you think you are, you are not even who I think you are, but what's worst of all, I am not who you think you are, I am just some silly girl trying to make it.
I am not a "pretentious fucks:, nor is Doylum. Speak for yourself, please.
no we're not all pretentious fucks, unless you most wilfully misuse the word. And no i'm not who i think you are thank my old wrinkly mans bollocks. You claiming to be omnipresent?
Oh ==Doylum, I most willfully misuse everything. It's my downfall, it's my charm. I am omnipresent while at the same time being totally unawares.
Listen, I don't know you, but he can kick some ass, take my word for it. He's crazy. I don't know who Stan Rice is so I don't get the reference. You present yourself as morbidly narrow minded. I'm not "stuck" anywhere though the playground might not be so bad. I'm not arguing with you. Why would I ever want to hold you? You killed that remember? Why would I ever want to be where you and Jeremi are fighting each other?
I'm trying very hard to make sense of all this. I'm sure we are all guilty of exactly the same crimes. You come across as narrow minded, I come across as some tart who wears her tits on her sleeve. Neither is true. Both are true. Again I'm not arguing with you. All I'm say ing is it sounds like you and Horus have a date to beat each other up and I don't want to be there. I don't know what's really going on because I haven't been around. I tried to drop the ball but you picked it up and threw it back at me. I admire so many many things, so many things, I don't always agree with anyone. I don't take sides. I don't want to look at ridiculous comments. I surrender ok? Take the flag take the hill take the spoils. I'm a sweet woman, I have nothing to disagree with you about. I don't care either way, please stop.
I am joking. Fighting is infantile. I am a sweet man.
Yuo know when I left the first time you said you were sorry to see me go and you wished I would come back. So I did. Now things are worse then ever. I mean I've been through so much shit but this, this is just crazy. I just want to write poetry and read some poetry. You don't have to defen d yourself, you don't have to attack me. This really hurts, and the sad things is I don't know why. Maybe I'm just seeking abuse because it's what I'm use to, it's what's familiar. I 'm trying very hard at this point to be civil and to be kind and to be understood. Please stop attacking me, it's so unnecessary what do you have to prove? Stop putting me down, stop teasing me, stop enbroiling me in your war.
Yes, I was sorry to see you go. And yes, I think you have quite a talent. And yes, I would be sorry to see you go again. And I do not want to be familiar. I am not at war, though I do not think I am at peace. Please, post some poetry. I look forward to reading it.
Knock it off you two or I will repost the damn rose poem.
This happens to be what this poem is about:respecting others space. Being together without invasion. And a small racial metaphor as well.
Hmmm. I am not sure that it is coming across completely. The integration of a chessboard conjures competition of the game, plus the way you speak of it sounds more like segregation. Are you pro-Lott? Plus, it also establishes a hierarchy. I think you might benefit from thinking it through a bit more. Cheers.
Well, if I am one race and you are another,can we not stand close to one another and get along just fine? Lott? Sorry, unknown. I'm completely lost on the hierarchy angle. I agree with the change of the opening line though. Readers are quickly fickle.
I am just talking within the metaphor you are using. It is of a game, although a most difficult one. That angle can work there. But the way it is being approached is running away from the integrated but separate issue, which is a hefty subject and noble to tackle. The hexarchy issue is simply the pieces that go on that board. Pawn. Knight. King. You get the picture. It invokes class in a modern sense and I have seen it done with some skill by a fantastic poet by the name of (no, not Stan Rice) Thomas Lux. Trent Lott is in every magazine and newspaper in America right now: finally the closet racist and notorious proponent of bad hair has opened his mouth about race again. As I said, think this through. Make sure the images are saying what you want. It is tricky when dealing with the game board.
What a wonderful birthday gift you have given me,by the way. Your cordialness(sp?). Thank you.
i though you were male.
Oh wounds plural not wound
You must have my back Dolie.
wah?
You take GW and I'll take H8. Fight to the death. Then we will watch reruns of Passions starring Baba Yaga.
i see - take you back. whats that got to do with licking wounds?
ret
She will not lick my wounds. Maybe she will lick yours.
wow.
you sure managed to get an assload of comments on this. :) I don't see the balance/lack of competition. I see the straining to destroy. I think I need more to lead me to this zen.
Doubt you'll even see this comment, hope so as I've grafted on this work of yours.
I think a poem of chess is a good subject and this could benefit as GW suggested from maybe a metaphor like 'Royal blood drips from its master, drier than the falling sand, Pawns in numbers advance, Kings remain seated, armies depleted, Death begins the devils dance, Black and white combat, so true to life, inconclusive, slain to the rhythm of superior thought. Well that took 5 mins and its a bit messed up but hope i may have helped.
My first problem is not specifying the (board ) not necessarily the pieces. (Chess is a kick ass game. One that I will gladly suck at for the rest of my life.) I stay away from the media most of the time . The constant bad news is a strain on my muse. That's why I missed the Lott thing. Plus I think it's a yearly event that some political putz says something racially poor. Thanks for your help C. Not quite what I'm looking for though.
did it say tile mosaic before?
i seem to remember in version 1 instantly thinking of a board.
you are correct m'lady. I was looking at the floor when the answer appeared. cool? low on singles again.
Good revision
don't do it man. slowly back away from the universal mind thing.it's a trick. read sidhartha. friction creates. break the tiles make a mosaic. a pleasent poem though still.
Like this better, but being part of the whole seems to incomplete the poem maybe say of the whole ..... something (game seems to basic) fuck it anyway its very good I/T
Lovely. Get rid of the last 2 lines in the first stanza. I love your poem. i posted just for you.
dont understand but i get the same responses myself
Very zen-like in meaning. The whole is infinitely more than
the sum of its parts and I assign you a nine. Good Stuff!!
Thanks for the comments folks. I think it's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever written. i dunno.
I find this very relaxing. At least I know I'm not the only one counting tiles when on line at Taco Bell.
Seriously...your perspective on things around is very unique. I wish you were my neighbor so we could drink beers and laugh about things around us.
I might not be your neighbor, but I am mobile. I'll be "touring"
when the weather improves. Z gets first visit as I owe her mega scotch. Then west to PKs, and then GW and H-8 if all is kosher with all. Could add you to list.
Forgot to thank you damnit. Thank you,sir.
its- no apostrophe in this case.
In the first stanza, I'd recommend dropping all the periods except for the last one in that stanza. 332 view(s)
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do you think gws' right that it needs a little more? <60 Ill try ya later 10q