on do androids dream? by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:37 PM
Well said.
on innocent voyeur by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:36 PM
Excellent stuff!
on The Sleep Fantastic by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:23 PM
Very sing-song.
I hear the last verse as a loud chorus sung over and over!
I hear the last verse as a loud chorus sung over and over!
on selfhood, through extrospection by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:10 PM
And so you are! Kaolin Fire!
on ritual of now intensified by nentwined
15 Jan 2007, 7:04 PM
Ahh! Cof-fee!
on thoughts and feelings (draft) by crwncka1
2 Dec 2003, 2:58 PM
A bit too dogmatic for my taste,
but I give you points for staying on track with
your theme throughout the whole poem.
but I give you points for staying on track with
your theme throughout the whole poem.
on They who would have me forget by BleedingRose
2 Dec 2003, 2:48 PM
The real feeling comes through.
It comes across as a bit trite, but still
heart-felt.
It comes across as a bit trite, but still
heart-felt.
on Blood by Artemis745
15 Sep 2003, 4:21 PM
Didn't get the allusion to "thy sight" - and blood dripping down and then going "up" to heaven I found confusing- The first part- ending at the line "out stepping intangible boundaries" does not mesh well with rest of poem. Seem like 2 separate parts that do not go together well.
on Breathe by Artemis745
15 Sep 2003, 4:17 PM
Nice image, enjoyed this!
I like that you picked one immage and developed it with CONSISTENCY.
I like that you picked one immage and developed it with CONSISTENCY.
on Broken Child by Artemis745
15 Sep 2003, 4:14 PM
This has some very nice imagery, some nice lines- but it is not all that clear a poem- interesting you divide one word -overlooking- into 2 words- I do see 2 errors in grammar-
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game.
The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game.
The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.
on levered 'n loved by A. Nomaly
15 Sep 2003, 4:04 PM
Felt it was a good beginning, makes one point but not enough there to really grab me and keep my interest
on The Last Stop by Quiet-Ralph
15 Sep 2003, 4:00 PM
"with every raising of the sun
A new ray of hope was given" sounds too trite, too cliched.
I like the equating of getting on and off a bus with life in general, final last stop being death- should work on this poem more, neat idea here.
A new ray of hope was given" sounds too trite, too cliched.
I like the equating of getting on and off a bus with life in general, final last stop being death- should work on this poem more, neat idea here.
on My nails are in love with your chalkboard by Jeremi B. Handrinos
15 Sep 2003, 3:57 PM
Thought provoking, but not great poetry.
on sitting at the cliff's edge by nentwined
15 Sep 2003, 3:53 PM
Very beautiful evocative line: clinging us each tighter to the other
Liked this poem Very much
Liked this poem Very much
on The Fire Burns Bright (an Ode to Kaolin) by <~>
5 Jan 2003, 1:55 PM
Yes I am biased, yes I am thrilled!
Great poem!! I echo all the sentiments! Jill!
Great poem!! I echo all the sentiments! Jill!
on The Beggar by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
14 Jul 2002, 3:18 PM
Not very good.
on Love by DrHardDryve
14 Jul 2002, 3:17 PM
Cutesy. I question the
use of the apostrophes.
Still, I liked it.
use of the apostrophes.
Still, I liked it.
on Dammit by Cha no Onna
14 Jul 2002, 3:16 PM
The line_ Always make backups- bringing in the computer element did not work for me.
Perhaps a better line- always make copies. Still, good poem! Jill S.
Perhaps a better line- always make copies. Still, good poem! Jill S.
on The Deep Dark Light by seebergerb
14 Jul 2002, 3:11 PM
one spelling error (You wilderness you yearned for?). Also- mixed
metaphors, don't work together- taste what you wanted and a locket around your neck? Needs work.
metaphors, don't work together- taste what you wanted and a locket around your neck? Needs work.
on Sperm Donor Clown by ObiWonKn
14 Jul 2002, 3:07 PM
Interesting. Very bitter.