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sitting at the cliff's edge (Free verse) by nentwined
sitting at the cliff's edge, I muse that here is where I used to come with lovers when lovers there were and we could imagine ourselves alone in wilderness when wilderness was scarce and the world was full and alone we'd be together and together the world would fade and all that would be was the two of us and the rocks and the sea and windy gusts clinging us each tighter to the other and now the rocks and sea and windy gusts remain while people a dream become and sterile I, or close enough the last alive, or close enough peer over the edge, or close enough and long for city traffic.

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 6.998178
Overall Rank: 254
Posted: September 14, 2003 6:36 PM PDT; Last modified: September 14, 2003 7:55 PM PDT
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nentwined

Comments:
[10] Geschäftsreise @ 4.40.32.229 | 15-Sep-03/12:04 AM | Reply
Normally I avoid sentimentality (especially in poetry), but this poem must be good because it reminded me of the once upon a time upon a cliff's edge (I hope you will not be insulted by a crude harmony to your melody):

sitting at the cliff's edge,
I muse
that there is where I went
with my lover
when lover she was

and we could imagine ourselves alone
but for a horse
A fitting chaperone
for this lonely castle wall.

and alone we'd be together and together
the world would fade
and all that would be was the two of us
and the rocks and the sea and a hundred gulls
mocking our affection

and now the rocks and sea and windy gusts
only in my thoughts remain
and dying these dreams
(or close enough)
but one remains
(or close enough)
to be near that edge,
(or close enough)
I long for you and Scotland.



[n/a] nentwined @ 192.168.0.254 > Geschäftsreise | 15-Sep-03/5:32 AM | Reply
very nicely done; I'm not insulted at all. could you point me to the original of what you blended?
[10] Geschäftsreise @ 4.40.32.229 > nentwined | 15-Sep-03/8:44 AM | Reply
5/6 of this is (obviously) yours
1/6 had not been put into words before
[n/a] nentwined @ 209.31.226.178 > Geschäftsreise | 15-Sep-03/8:46 AM | Reply
Ah; I understand your comment better now, and I'm flattered. Thank you. :)
[10] Geschäftsreise @ 164.67.82.153 > nentwined | 15-Sep-03/4:48 PM | Reply
(nod) By the way, I've been thinking about this last stanza and the more I say it in my mind the more I love it:

the interjection of humour about getting near the edge of the cliff subtly adds a warmth and depth to the whole scene that is indispensible:

It is done in such a coy way (inserted into a solemn repetition) that is almost strong enough to oppose your claim of longing - leaving the reader with a sense of 'grinning nostalgia' for lack of a better term.
[10] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.145.114 | 15-Sep-03/10:12 AM | Reply
Beautiful, you made the repitition so meaningful and lyric. This line "clinging us each tighter to the other" was a little awkward, could do without the "us", I think- or possibly replace w/ "clinging each of us tighter to the other". 10
I might have gone with "..clinging us tighter, each to the other.

But, what is there works fine for me. It's a nice little piece with a vivid mood.
[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.183.34 > EAger to Offend | 21-Apr-04/7:13 PM | Reply
Thank you. With new eyes (it's been a while) I think I wholly agree with "clinging us tighter, each to the other". :)
[10] Jill Stockinger @ 68.165.173.193 | 15-Sep-03/3:53 PM | Reply
Very beautiful evocative line: clinging us each tighter to the other
Liked this poem Very much
[9] INTRANSIT @ 32.102.22.23 | 15-Sep-03/4:53 PM | Reply
Ok, I'm oversurplussed on city traffic. Trade ya for that cliff? Well done. Always good to hear from the Prime Minister.
[n/a] nentwined @ 209.31.226.178 > INTRANSIT | 17-Sep-03/7:55 AM | Reply
:bows:

yeah, I've got a bit too much traffic myself, but... at least I'm just dodging cars on a motorcycle. I'd hate to actually have to sit in it. (daily #*&$(#$ commute; 10-15 minutes if traffic's moving. 20-30 if it's not (on a motorcycle, being relatively safe). up to an hour, with a car, in such circumstances. or three, if it's really bad.
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 | 15-Sep-03/4:58 PM | Reply
a rather poignant display of laughable matters.
[0] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 16-Sep-03/3:44 PM | Reply
rather enjoyable at the end and a bit before, starts out a bit slow, but pays off.
[n/a] nentwined @ 209.31.226.178 > horus8 | 17-Sep-03/7:53 AM | Reply
thank you. :)
[3] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.255.83 | 26-Aug-06/4:40 PM | Reply
lovely
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