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Broken Child (Free verse) by Artemis745 I am but a broken child
Swimming through a sea of great minds.
A child playing an adults game
But still I plan to succeed.
For here there are no rules
This is my hidden world
On the edge of insanity
Where all can enter
But some may never leave
This is my edge of disaster
On a cliff of despair
Over looking all the
Broken bodies of
Ghost and days gone by...
Up the ladder:
Web of darkness: Through a gold eye
Down the ladder:
I am one
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: September 15, 2003 6:34 AM PDT; Last modified: September 15, 2003 6:34 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.880797 Overall Rank: 10060 Comments:
[5]
nentwined @ 66.92.183.34
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15-Sep-03/6:44 AM
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Reply
I need more to see if you're saying something interesting. Some work on the flow of it would make people more willing to listen to whatever message you have.
This has some very nice imagery, some nice lines- but it is not all that clear a poem- interesting you divide one word -overlooking- into 2 words- I do see 2 errors in grammar-
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game. The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.
This touched me somewhere.
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