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Web of darkness: Through a gold eye (Free verse) by suprembeaner Trapped in a web of night.
All my life fighting for sight.
My eyeâs are fake like gold pyrite.
Darkness only, never seen the light.
To watch the sea is my biggest fantasy.
For if I wish, still I could not see.
In my head, descriptions and dreams.
Perhaps itâs a gift that I canât use my eyes.
not worth to see all the evil in this world.
War, rape, drugs and murders, I hear the cries.
Our planet is currently in a downward swirl.
Blind I am, but all I need is my mind.
Always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find.
Up the ladder:
selflessness
Down the ladder:
Broken Child
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: September 13, 2003 5:09 PM PDT; Last modified: September 13, 2003 5:09 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.880797 Overall Rank: 10054 Comments:
i don't like it
it's pretty cliche 173 view(s)
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the first light sets me up for a horrible poem--cliche beyond belief. really. the second, though, is interesting--it says, "hey, here's a potentially unique viewpoint, sorry about that cliche I started with".
"eye's" is the possessive of eye, not its plural. and "gold pyrite" ... it's just "pyrite". or "fool's gold". trying too hard for the rhyme, I think.
the second stanza has some good sentiment in it, but it's clumsily stated. partially trying too hard for the rhyme, partially... just missing a coherent flow.
the last two stanzas beat the drum of something I can't agree with, but I'll try not to argue that. Just a note that forced ryhmes and butchered rhythm really don't promote what you're trying to say.
and "always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find" is just disturbing. really. like you're on some sort of "happy drug" ala brave new world, or being brainwashed ala 1984. really.