nentwined14 Sep 2003

this is very strange. it tugs me several directions, so I'll just try to respond to it in a linear fashion.

the first light sets me up for a horrible poem--cliche beyond belief. really. the second, though, is interesting--it says, "hey, here's a potentially unique viewpoint, sorry about that cliche I started with".

"eye's" is the possessive of eye, not its plural. and "gold pyrite" ... it's just "pyrite". or "fool's gold". trying too hard for the rhyme, I think.

the second stanza has some good sentiment in it, but it's clumsily stated. partially trying too hard for the rhyme, partially... just missing a coherent flow.

the last two stanzas beat the drum of something I can't agree with, but I'll try not to argue that. Just a note that forced ryhmes and butchered rhythm really don't promote what you're trying to say.

and "always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find" is just disturbing. really. like you're on some sort of "happy drug" ala brave new world, or being brainwashed ala 1984. really.