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innocent voyeur (Free verse) by nentwined
I like to watch people interact and make the faces no one sees and try to guess what information's passed and what the interactions mean-- what it is to be this human thing.

Down the ladder: Consolation

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.4615383
Weighted score: 6.7995286
Overall Rank: 458
Posted: April 19, 2004 3:59 PM PDT; Last modified: April 19, 2004 4:50 PM PDT
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nentwined

Comments:
[9] deleted user @ 68.66.196.168 | 19-Apr-04/4:49 PM | Reply
I would lose the last line. It introduces another topic. Otherwise good.
[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 > deleted user | 19-Apr-04/4:50 PM | Reply
Done. how now? :)
[9] deleted user @ 68.66.196.168 > nentwined | 19-Apr-04/4:53 PM | Reply
Better.
[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 > deleted user | 19-Apr-04/4:56 PM | Reply
Thanks. :) I worried about the last line before posting (wrote it (well, the whole poem), drunk, at a bar, several months ago).
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 19-Apr-04/5:10 PM | Reply
that last line, man.

what can be done?
[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 > Shuushin | 19-Apr-04/5:19 PM | Reply
Still? No, I like that one.

The previous last line, the line after the current last line, was... "all else imagination.".

Tell me more.

Or are you just "what can be done?" in general? :)
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > nentwined | 19-Apr-04/5:46 PM | Reply
I like the poem[e] quite well up to that last line - it sounds like you are trying to avoid a question via syntax.

[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 > Shuushin | 19-Apr-04/5:56 PM | Reply
Hmm. I think the whole poem avoids questions; it's meant to be a statement of unknowns that I attempt to fathom.
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.220 | 19-Apr-04/5:52 PM | Reply
The (current) last line seems fine to me.
[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 > zodiac | 19-Apr-04/5:57 PM | Reply
cool beans. :)

I'm liking it more and more, myself.
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > nentwined | 19-Apr-04/6:06 PM | Reply
Fine. FINE.

I'll just go back to smoking crack then (really, I was splitting hairs)
[n/a] nentwined @ 66.92.28.14 > Shuushin | 19-Apr-04/6:19 PM | Reply
Well, if you've got the razor, you might as well use it. :)
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > nentwined | 19-Apr-04/6:23 PM | Reply
heheh - good one.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.233.119 | 20-Apr-04/1:29 AM | Reply
'the faces noeone sees' nope - you see them for a start and I am assuming the situation is public view so so do a lot of other people.

[8] ggawrysi @ 147.9.151.22 | 20-Apr-04/1:59 AM | Reply
i don't think that "passed" should have its own line... it's not an action word like "interact." otherwise i like it, last line and all
[10] Jill Stockinger @ 67.172.190.253 | 15-Jan-07/7:36 PM | Reply
Excellent stuff!
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