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innocent voyeur (Free verse) by nentwined I like to watch people
interact
and make the faces no one sees
and try to guess what information's
passed
and what the interactions mean--
what it is to be this human thing.
Up the ladder:
Shampoo and Condition
Down the ladder:
Down With Ingenuity
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.4615383
Posted: April 19, 2004 3:59 PM PDT; Last modified: April 19, 2004 4:50 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.7995286 Overall Rank: 408 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[9]
deleted user @ 68.66.196.168
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19-Apr-04/4:49 PM
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Reply
I would lose the last line. It introduces another topic. Otherwise good.
[n/a]
nentwined @ 66.92.28.14
> deleted user
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19-Apr-04/4:50 PM
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Reply
Done. how now? :)
[9]
deleted user @ 68.66.196.168
> nentwined
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19-Apr-04/4:53 PM
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Reply
Better.
[n/a]
nentwined @ 66.92.28.14
> deleted user
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19-Apr-04/4:56 PM
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Reply
Thanks. :) I worried about the last line before posting (wrote it (well, the whole poem), drunk, at a bar, several months ago).
that last line, man.
what can be done?
Still? No, I like that one.
The previous last line, the line after the current last line, was... "all else imagination.". Tell me more. Or are you just "what can be done?" in general? :)
I like the poem[e] quite well up to that last line - it sounds like you are trying to avoid a question via syntax.
Hmm. I think the whole poem avoids questions; it's meant to be a statement of unknowns that I attempt to fathom.
The (current) last line seems fine to me.
cool beans. :)
I'm liking it more and more, myself.
Fine. FINE.
I'll just go back to smoking crack then (really, I was splitting hairs)
Well, if you've got the razor, you might as well use it. :)
heheh - good one.
'the faces noeone sees' nope - you see them for a start and I am assuming the situation is public view so so do a lot of other people.
i don't think that "passed" should have its own line... it's not an action word like "interact." otherwise i like it, last line and all
Excellent stuff!
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