| Re: Hey! Shut up, and cut my grass. by horus8 |
20-Apr-03/3:40 PM |
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Thank Jesu for the almighty rant! To keep us all grouded.
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| Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger |
20-Apr-03/3:33 PM |
There's plenty of material here to take it to a sonnet.
although that might contradict what others think of it now. I wish the better poets would give you help. You are deserving.8
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| Re: a comment on MOM by INTRANSIT |
14-Apr-03/3:23 PM |
Thnks so much for your time, mine is limited as I'm roadbound currently. It's been a while since her death but I'm sure I can dredge up some worthy emotion to get this rolling. You are most correct.
Rich
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| Re: A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
12-Apr-03/5:52 AM |
Oh and 8 . The start has great metaphors, then changes a little to telling later. thats all.
I'm beliver in voting because as a writer improves, he/she can watch the avg. of the poems climb, which gives a basis for improvement. in my opinion.
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| Re: A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
12-Apr-03/5:50 AM |
Mght I ask of your time on my "mum". Seems I scared people with it, it is untouched.
Thank you,
Your friend, Rich
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| Re: a comment on A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
12-Apr-03/5:41 AM |
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| Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig |
11-Apr-03/12:45 PM |
Ok bro, I'll try not to steer you wrong.
S-1 line 2 is unnecessary, see line 1.
(would) I be enlightened.
S-2 lines 5/6 repeat 3/4
LIne 8 work into the last stanza
lines 10 and 12 could merge, lose line 11
S-3 you could use "spitfires" to exclaim his response.
the other plane is missing an (r)
(I preferred Stukas, myself)
drop the (but(s)
A river waiting for a mudslide makes no sense (to me)
and I'm unsure about the russian doll(my naivete prob.)
Any way, hope that helps. Oh,also, All the thoughts are there, but they could stand some organizing.
Best I can do for a piece so powerful. b.o.l.
Rich
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| Re: Unmasking Wyverns by horus8 |
11-Apr-03/10:38 AM |
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Now that I know a little more, this smokes!!!!!
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| Re: Worshipping the Porclin God by Derge |
11-Apr-03/10:27 AM |
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and people accuse me of posting thinly.
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| Re: You are not me by Mutant_X |
11-Apr-03/10:10 AM |
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Sample of line 21: I am no longer chained to you at my wristwatch. Take it one line at a time. Reword them without telling words such as: love, hate, pain,lies. Try not to repeat yourself: lines three and seven say the same thing. Keep trying.
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| Re: Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome by Stephen Robins |
11-Apr-03/9:58 AM |
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deathly accurate, I presume.
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| Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig |
11-Apr-03/9:36 AM |
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Z is so much better at this type of product, especially this length. I'll print, think and return with some tools for you perhaps. I'm yet a guppy myself.
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| Re: downtown bus by Bill Z Bub |
10-Apr-03/7:44 PM |
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I like this sleeker version very much. If you're thinking of paring it more, I wouldn't.
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| Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig |
10-Apr-03/7:41 PM |
do you feel a little better after writing this? I always feel better after something deep comes up.
wonderful.
Aint Z the best?
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| Re: Phalus by Bobjim the II |
9-Apr-03/7:31 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Stick orgy by Bobjim_returns |
9-Apr-03/7:14 PM |
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You must be the offspring.
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| Re: a comment on The sky is falling by INTRANSIT |
9-Apr-03/7:13 PM |
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Look everyone!! It's Sodomy Hussein!!!!
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| Re: Fix it by Nanshe |
8-Apr-03/6:17 AM |
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Um, how long to this point? If I may?
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| Re: Fix it by Nanshe |
8-Apr-03/6:16 AM |
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Did we take a liberty on the style here? I know of 2. This seems altered. Excellent topic.
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| Re: Fraternity hazing the sheepdog by horus8 |
8-Apr-03/6:12 AM |
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This is the kind of thing that proves the point to my villanelle. Could be a new fave. The closing STOMPS!
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