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MOM (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I couldn't know your pain
when I was young.
Contemptible words from adults.
The flower that
never got to be.
The cruise that never set sail.
Assumptions for safety,
Putting family first.
Inner pain stifled.
Your position not
your fault.
Unwanted unscheduled misunderstandings.
Pain liquified,
coursing through your body.
The secondary killer.
Understanding unsearched for,
selfishness unseen,
Multiple compaction.
First time crashed
second time failed
Suggestions unheeded.
Time fleeting.
freight train time.
Age and love passing
Watching your pain
consumes me.
I will go on in hope.
Many culprits,
Changes never appear.
Five times lost.
A family reunited
on a mountainside.
A small blessing.
Love neverending,
love pushed aside.
A deeper bond is born
A blessing in disguise,
two split and fly.
Wholeness with a price.
Persona left behind,
thoughts carried with.
I can feel you inspiring
me.
Up the ladder:
a new generation
Down the ladder:
Tawn-acious
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Posted: April 7, 2003 8:35 AM PDT; Last modified: April 7, 2003 8:35 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.1430435 Overall Rank: 5368 Comments:
Terrific structure, just needs fleshing out. Give me your personal story.
"The flower...to be." What causes the flower to die? Exactly, tell me. Is the seed never planted? Does it die of thirst? Take me to your childhood, I want to see it, walk it's streets with you. I want to see what you saw as a child. Can you give me that? I think your an interesting person. I bet you can tell an interesting story. What crash? What failure? what suggestion? Details, dress the story with the personality of the writer. The writer's personality, or sometimes the stories personality, is the only orginal thing a writer has to give. Details give excitement, interest. 269 view(s)
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I have pasted 3 stanzas of interest to me where I think the poems strength lays. I need to know inherently more about the relationship. This reads like a showpiece of writing more than the emotionally charged insight I want. I dont want to come across like Lecter intimidating Clarisse, but fine writing and sentiment is the hardest thing to combine for personal satisfaction and reader satisfaction, its the marrying of the 2 I want you to do with this. The next moment you feel these emotions I want you to relinquish the laws of poetry and write one from the heart, read it aloud (I bet you do that dont you) and be honest with yourself about it affect it has on you. Poetry must (I believe) release the writer from the subject he is writing about. If one is honest about my work I would say there are much better traditionalist writer than me around true to the laws of poetry, I always feel a connection with your work - empathy, your uniqueness is empathy and clarity.
I just want you to write this honestly, it shut me out, the language is wonderful in places just tell me about the inherent love and relationship, the conclusion, the beauty the madness the essance of you and your mother, this is your story, your testanment and immortalization of your dear Mother.
There are only a few writers I will trust with my e-mail address I will give it to you shortly, if you ever need anything my dear boy you are most welcome
Pain liquified,
coursing through your body.
The secondary killer.First time crashed
second time failed
Suggestions unheeded.
Love neverending,
love pushed aside.
A deeper bond is born
Love neverending,
love pushed aside.
A deeper bond is born
Persona left behind,
thoughts carried with.
I can feel you inspiring
me.
These are the stanzas I love. Oh God I feel drunk as a Somersetian wasp.
Rich