on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy
2 Jul 2007, 8:46 AM
ugh.
horrid topic, well portrayed. i think that the single line "hear our silence" is sufficient to convey the "shame on spectators" message.
especially haunting is the last verse...
horrid topic, well portrayed. i think that the single line "hear our silence" is sufficient to convey the "shame on spectators" message.
especially haunting is the last verse...
i can accept that the previously posted version of this in the concrete style sucked. i thank those that pointed out the flaws.
while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
replying on Summer Festival by Christof
29 Jun 2007, 3:24 PM
why did you vote for this yourself? just curious.
on Summer Festival by Christof
29 Jun 2007, 3:23 PM
i would start line 2 differently; it is disjointed and does not flow well from line 1. perhaps "we saw" instead of "there's" on line 2 or maybe omit "during" from line 1.
no need for the "and" at the start of line 3.
i do like the imagery and similies:
"loose-limbed", "clinging", "flapping", "slick...like sweaty skin", and my favorite " dance a blissful drunken shrug".
lines 3-7 very successfully animate the clothing as much as the wind would.
a few nitpicks as indicated, but good work.
no need for the "and" at the start of line 3.
i do like the imagery and similies:
"loose-limbed", "clinging", "flapping", "slick...like sweaty skin", and my favorite " dance a blissful drunken shrug".
lines 3-7 very successfully animate the clothing as much as the wind would.
a few nitpicks as indicated, but good work.
on Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22
29 Jun 2007, 3:16 PM
i do like the improvement of the ending, although i would think Alex would "sulk" his answer; "huff" seems a bit wrong somehow, as if he were flummoxed (but maybe he is).
interesting bit that Alex(ander) is making the comment about not following Bush any longer; the origin of Alex's name implies leadership.
extra point for the content.
interesting bit that Alex(ander) is making the comment about not following Bush any longer; the origin of Alex's name implies leadership.
extra point for the content.
on The Riddle by lexxie100
29 Jun 2007, 11:20 AM
sobriety anniversary, perhaps, but i do not think so. maybe a bout of mental illness, but minor, like seasonal defective disorder. or maybe just allergies.
anyhow, this could be more subtle in the way it is written and the rhyming is too forced, in my opinion. not all poetry needs to have an even meter and rhyme pattern; simple, effective groupings of words often convey a more powerful/clear message.
anyhow, this could be more subtle in the way it is written and the rhyming is too forced, in my opinion. not all poetry needs to have an even meter and rhyme pattern; simple, effective groupings of words often convey a more powerful/clear message.
replying on Never Still by Skamper
28 Jun 2007, 4:11 PM
re-reading some of your work. you are quite the goth girl, eh? i refer also to "little goth girl". google it, relates to the satan/maiden images you have written about, but in a much lighter (but still dark) way.
replying on The Equalizer by Skamper
28 Jun 2007, 4:08 PM
ok
i do not know how many times i have heard that lies hurt, lying is wrong, it is mean, etc. we have also heard "the truth hurts", but i do not buy into that. the truth hurts like hydrogen peroxide; only if a lie (bacteria, infection) is present. truth will seem hurt if it is not something we want to hear, but that is because what we do want to hear/believe is a lie.
for example: you have cancer. shit! that hurts, right? no! the truth does not hurt, but what you believed (the lie) does: you don't have cancer when you actually do.
my thought is that lies are like pandora's box: until they are exposed, they are inert. the truth is what exposes a lie, and keep in mind that exposure can be in subtle degrees. the liar may act differently because they know they have lied, but that is because the truth is known to them.
why is it that people do not get hurt and upset by a lie until they know the truth?
for example: you have cancer. shit! that hurts, right? no! the truth does not hurt, but what you believed (the lie) does: you don't have cancer when you actually do.
my thought is that lies are like pandora's box: until they are exposed, they are inert. the truth is what exposes a lie, and keep in mind that exposure can be in subtle degrees. the liar may act differently because they know they have lied, but that is because the truth is known to them.
why is it that people do not get hurt and upset by a lie until they know the truth?
replying on essence of a thought by lmp
28 Jun 2007, 12:32 PM
they are rather weighty, aren't they? (Rodin's sculptures, that is.) my wife and i went to the museum of his work in paris on our honeymoon; great place and i highly recommend it should you ever get the chance to go.
thanks for the comments. you be writing something soon? seems we both took a bit of a hiatus...
thanks for the comments. you be writing something soon? seems we both took a bit of a hiatus...
replying on husk [hai-crete] by lmp
28 Jun 2007, 11:08 AM
i could not find crshd in the dictionary. is it under "crashed", "crushed", or "cure-shod"? i could maybe use a different text or reduce the kerning to give the effect, but Notepad isn't so sophisticated. perhaps if it gets published (ha ha) the printing house can work on that.
and without the word "empty" the haiku police would be all over me for only having 3 syllables in the first line. "suuuuuure it is there", they would say as thay clapped me in irons.
and without the word "empty" the haiku police would be all over me for only having 3 syllables in the first line. "suuuuuure it is there", they would say as thay clapped me in irons.
actually, i would not be hurt if you thought that my poetry sucked *if you were speaking truth*. I might think you had poor taste, but i wouldn't be hurt. ;)
however, if you turned around and told me that you really didn't think it sucked and that you had lied, *that* would be the hurtful thing: the fact or reason that you were compelled to lie to me.
the content of a truth can be unpleasant, but it is truth. the truth does not hurt in and of itself. lies, all by themselves, can petty (as in your example) or they can be placating (omissions or falsifications of truth). only in the light of truth do lies really hurt.
at least that is the premise that i wrote this poem upon.
i am curious why you chose not to vote, unless you think it sucks and didn't want to tell me the truth. :D
however, if you turned around and told me that you really didn't think it sucked and that you had lied, *that* would be the hurtful thing: the fact or reason that you were compelled to lie to me.
the content of a truth can be unpleasant, but it is truth. the truth does not hurt in and of itself. lies, all by themselves, can petty (as in your example) or they can be placating (omissions or falsifications of truth). only in the light of truth do lies really hurt.
at least that is the premise that i wrote this poem upon.
i am curious why you chose not to vote, unless you think it sucks and didn't want to tell me the truth. :D
on Kittens and Pocket Money by Shuushin
26 Jun 2007, 5:05 PM
i can picture a certain droll, intelligent character on a certain TV show speaking this.
it also resonates, i think, with many, if not all, people. nicely done.
it also resonates, i think, with many, if not all, people. nicely done.
on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina
26 Jun 2007, 2:21 PM
i do like the message, some of the similies are quite nice:
"top heavy with old", "stubbornly foreign".
the last stanza starts to lose some of the momentum, (maybe that's the point?), so the ending does fall a little flat.
however, i like the topic and the first stanza a lot, the second stanza is pretty good. a few tweaks and i think you'll have it.
"top heavy with old", "stubbornly foreign".
the last stanza starts to lose some of the momentum, (maybe that's the point?), so the ending does fall a little flat.
however, i like the topic and the first stanza a lot, the second stanza is pretty good. a few tweaks and i think you'll have it.
i would agree with Ranger only if there was a period (or "full stop", "full point" or "dot", choose your favorite nomenclature) at the end of the last line.