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Never Still (Other) by Skamper
In the dank and death chilled night satan nears to claim his right. Upon her maidens breast he lays, the anguished hand of love’s dismay. And in the weak set of the moon broods a devil of cruellest gloom, to capture her from river’s sand bare her soul away from land. The empty depths of Silver River quietly breaks over finger’s quiver. The ragged figure – her lover scorned sheds bloody tears from rose’s thorn. Her whispers filter past the skies, the stars will wink within her sigh, and devil’s will – she denies, to etch the light where none was nigh And love will wander ‘neath the stars to feel her breath – to mend his scars, to heal love’s victim – “O thy mind be true to what your heart defined”

Up the ladder: Jennifer Logan
Down the ladder: Settling In

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.0794687
Overall Rank: 6413
Posted: June 3, 2007 11:25 AM PDT; Last modified: June 3, 2007 11:25 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Ranger @ 81.103.124.179 | 4-Jun-07/4:34 AM | Reply
Don't get too worked up about rhyming perfectly. 'figure' is a more subtle rhyme for 'river' in this context: if it seems like you're putting words like quiver in for the sake of trying to rhyme it gets distracting.
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.156 > Ranger | 4-Jun-07/5:58 PM | Reply
I hate stubling awkwardly over other's rhymes...will see what I can work out...thanx
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.156 > Skamper | 4-Jun-07/6:02 PM | Reply
that would be stumbling, and not finding regrowth appearing in a most unfortunate moment!
[8] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 5-Jun-07/9:01 AM | Reply
line 8 - i belive you may mean to say "bear her soul away", but if you meant "bare her soul, away from land" you'd need to break the two thoughts apart (maybe with the comma).

still cogitating on this one. so far i like it, but want to understand it a bit more.
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.175 > lmp | 5-Jun-07/2:37 PM | Reply
thanks your right its meant to be bear
[8] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 5-Jun-07/9:09 AM | Reply
also, lines 15 & 16 are a bit out of synch somehow.

if the meaning is that she defies the devil's will by haunting her lover to ease his pain, you may want to pull the thoughts together by losing the dash in line 15. a period at the end of line 14 would also help, as would beginning line 15 with "the". line 16 might complete the image a bit by replacing "to etch the light" with "etching the light".

like the dark sentiment; "brood" is one of my favorite dark verbs. still trying to piece together how her lover was scorned exactly, but i can dream up any number of treacheries/betrayals...
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.175 > lmp | 5-Jun-07/2:43 PM | Reply
thanks you've been a huge help..I've changed a couple of things on my own copy
[8] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > Skamper | 28-Jun-07/4:11 PM | Reply
re-reading some of your work. you are quite the goth girl, eh? i refer also to "little goth girl". google it, relates to the satan/maiden images you have written about, but in a much lighter (but still dark) way.
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