Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	3-May-06/3:08 PM
i will need to come back to re-read and cogitate further before voting. i do like this, and the images of a tree hewn down always is painful to me, even if it is hollow inside.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-May-06/3:17 PM
very nicely done; i could almost hear the voice of Garrison Keillor (isn't he the guy from NPR's Writer's Almanac?). I agree with Ranger that you could carry this along a bit more. The images are great, but i came in after you edited out the political commentary, so now it seems a bit shortfallen. nicely done.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	12-May-06/2:52 PM
huh... maybe it is fitting that the structure is set up like it is: fairly lucid, then almost frenetic and disjointed, until a rather slow "crash" to a more lucid state. ever listen to skinny puppy? go read some of their lyrics... there's a trip for ya: http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-addiction-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-last-call-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-spasmolytic-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-worlock-lyrics.html much of their stuff doesn't seem to make sense, and other stuff is all dubbed clips. and it all seems much better heard than it does read. anyway... hey, i caught your trademark leaf image... i also like the title bit: "temporally uncertain" . a play on "temporarily uncertain"? so i'm gonna vote a 7 for now; i know you mean to tighten this up. it will be very interesting to read as it develops.
Re: Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	19-May-06/11:22 AM
i like this; my vote now is not set in stone. i think this has more potential... some thoughts: the purist in me would arrange so each time a number is mentioned it is the beginning of a new line. i would count the "nothing" as a number... i am not sure what the intent is, but there is potential for it to have a more powerful impact. not sure exactly how... maybe with more of the "four tears, sixteen smiles" sort of imagery that tells us of the emotion. "four tears" could all be from one eye otr two, no? maybe "thirty-two dry eyes" instead of sixteen smiles; i cannot imagine that many people smiling at an execution, even if they do want to see the guy dead. i like the concept of the title, but it may be a little to literal. maybe drop out "numbers" or try "sum of nothing", "nothing totalled" , etc. AH! "empty tally", that's my choice.
Re: A Prayer For God's Soldiers As They Kill For Him by Edna Sweetlove	23-May-06/11:47 AM
your satire is about as sharp as the unwashed bum.
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	23-May-06/3:48 PM
interesting. i can see how this is quickly sketched together and that it is the result of a conversation. tough material to work with, but pretty clever and funny. i'm really torn between an -8- and -9-, but since you had the guts to post this, i will round up. ;)
Re: A Fart For All Mankind by Edna Sweetlove	26-May-06/3:33 PM
trite, but one of you better works. you may find an audience with 8 year old boys or perhaps employment as a writer for the next Austin Powers movie.
Re: Censor by nentwined	26-May-06/3:38 PM
cute. sorry, i know that may sound like a comment best left unsaid, but i do like it. i think you could do more with it, maybe editing a poem you have already written so there are no adjectives? and still convey the message...
Re: Writers' Block by wilco	26-May-06/3:39 PM
perhaps using the word "write" instead would be more appropriate. clever, nonetheless.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-May-06/3:47 PM
hey this is great. i think this is the best example i have seen that matches the description of the concrete form. pictoral expression of a fallen cross. and, the words can be read several ways: some crosses are just too heavy. some crosses are just. heavy, too. some crosses are heavy. just, too. just some crosses are too heavy. the beauty here is that it leaves the interpretation very open to the reader as it has various vantage points, maybe moreso that other poetry forms will allow with so few words. bravo and well done!
Re: Drinking Knowledge by gregsamsa222	31-May-06/10:28 AM
i suppose you intend to quench the thirst for knowledge, eh? cleverly done, and i noticed progession of the various beverages throughout the day. but there are so many areas of study, where next and what beverage/food will be appropriate? perhaps dietary sciences could have a shot of wheatgrass, and so on... the options are limitless. so much so, you could make several sequels...
Re: as you are by Adriaan	31-May-06/11:57 AM
this is a lot deeper than it appears at first; it is not merely about a mirror image. the depth of a person is what he portrays succintly here, that there is more to love than the beauty by itself. clever and poignant.
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	1-Jun-06/2:54 PM
i think maybe this is about a girl you met once that may have been a bit too much your junior (hence the parole whispering). the red light i took to be the setting sun, and the lune (a cresent shape) is made from the curve of the horizon against the arc of the sun. what you cannot control is the passing of the day (marked by the setting sun) and maybe you had to say goodbye at that point... i am guessing that her heritage upon your fingertips may represent some heavy petting going on... or maybe you two were just dancing a sultry flamenco (or other latin dance): "strong lines beneath my sliding touch" we also know that there is some singing going on (latin again), not only by S6L1, but also from the reference to silence broken by staves and the curving cries - ululations - that i would relate specifically to flamenco. now, this is lovely. very colorful, and a hint of bittersweet current beneath the memory of a remarkable experience. the mystery to me is the mention of "white scars hewn"...
Re: Whispers to Isabelle by Caducus	1-Jun-06/3:21 PM
please pardon me, but isn't the ottoman an exceptional place for lovemaking? mm! seriously, this is one of those owrks that really hits home with its simplicity, or rather its spartan nature. by using a few choice workds, you convey the sorrow wonderfully. it is interesting that you remember her both happy at you and unhappy with you - and then in ecstasy with you (make up sex?) - in that order. my only suggestion for this is to use a different verb for the last line in S3; you already used "screaming" for the angry image, so maybe a different one for the ecstatic one... otherwise, top notch... and my condolences.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	1-Jun-06/3:29 PM
"for you voted for my second term." did we now? he lost the popular vote, i thought. so really, the electoral college got him his second term. like the satire. and the repeated line in () reminds me of a song on a german tecno album: http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/1389536/a/Das+Boot.htm if you can get hold of it, the song is track 6 "I Wanna Be A Kennedy". take a listen... love anything that takes a shot at Dubya. just work a bit on the rhythm; it reads a little choppy to me.
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	1-Jun-06/3:39 PM
oops.... saw a mistake in the last line: i left out the word "little". i guess i will edit and lose the vote. feel free to re-vote, Ranger! heh
Re: Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	2-Jun-06/9:19 AM
still bothered by the sixteen smiles. perhaps sixteens sighs of relief, or sixteen easier souls, or something. the half closed eyes that you suiggested would convey either boredom or sleepiness... the title still does not work for me; i feel as Dovina mentioned. still, the rewrite helped a bit. <8>
Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	2-Jun-06/3:26 PM
nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point. a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements: S2L4 needs -> need. S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm. S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe. S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n". the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved" nice; a bit of tweaking will help.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	2-Jun-06/3:40 PM
i have to agree with Cadacus on this one. as i read the last few stanzas, i felt little pity. after all, what *did* you leave behind? in fact, other than getting married and having family as a child, what did you do for other people at all? what ways did you make anyone's life better on this earth? the story seems to keep asking for handouts, at first for basic food shelter and clothing, then for employment, and then for unconditional friendship. the story is anything but inspiring. there is nothing that tells how you overcame adversity, how you persevered when times were tough, just that you did, somehow. also the part about just "getting a wife" seems a bit too glossed over. she just felt bad for you and married you and took you into her life? i appreciate what you are trying to do here, but it lacks substance, soul, and compassion of its own. it comes across as only a self-pitying plea.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Jun-06/8:43 AM
huh. the matter of lovemaking as conquest is rather overdone as well as offputting, even if there is some sense of committment/responsibility. the written style didn't really do much for me, either...