Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone	31-Jan-06/9:55 AM
I know this is following a format, but the rythm is awkward, to me...and rythm is all-important to me. It just does not flow well, IMO. notwithstanding> disregarding? in spite of? fighting against? If it is not withstanding change....I am not sure what that means right there, because you go on to say it is changed by winds of reason.
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	31-Jan-06/9:40 AM
Naw...not a big fan of this one. I didn't really 'get it'. and all that stuff in the middle about running to your dream wife...language didn't fit the piece.
Re: midnight feast by pollywolly	31-Jan-06/9:28 AM
old manse> man's ? What type of feasting? are you body snatchers, or young lover about to sexually feast? seems like a long road to go...no where. I am not even sure what scene I am looking at. It seems like the beginning to a story, rather than a poem.
Re: a comment on Hailing Miriam by Ranger	31-Jan-06/9:22 AM
LOL...you can tell that I don't (and will never) read the scores or comments before I post my own! Sorry, I said alot of what was already posted.
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	31-Jan-06/9:19 AM
This is a long read...but was worth the effort. You have a strange sense of rhyme and in rythm in this piece; it took a reread, to find a comfortable rythm to read it by. "Lorelei no longer"...? where did that come from? and it seems the passionate Miriam is reborn, in the end, hailing Mary....but I liked her as she was! I liked the contrast of the two: Mary and Miriam...one the Madonna the other the whore...both a part of who we are, as women. Miriam stands brilliantly as she is! Would you have had Miriam save Mary from her chastity, by saving her from it...and thus freeing her to her passionate self? No? Then I wouldn't have had Mary saving Miriam. And leave Lorelei out of it.LOL...change that and I'll change my score to a 10...(whch I never give!)
Re: yo yo yo, ride by FreeFormFixation	31-Jan-06/9:07 AM
This is really weird in a facinating way. I have no clear idea or picture in my head, so I am not sure what this is about...but I like it...I think.
Re: let me know by skaskowski	31-Jan-06/9:04 AM
"pour forth" was a little too uppity for the rest of it. I would change that. When I got to pissy water, I thought I wasn't going to like this. But then you went on the interest me. The last two lines were a little too cliche for me; you could have ended before that, with no harm done.
Re: more of the same by calliope	31-Jan-06/8:58 AM
I liked this...just like it is.
Re: Moving from home by Caducus	31-Jan-06/8:56 AM
'from rigor mortis'...seems cumbersome, and felt yucky...maybe change? ..."in stiff repose" ..something with three syllabuls would fit better than four. (entire line would have 8) I didn't understand:"Wasp hollowed coxes" . Is it refering to the tree you go on to speak about? should it be "wasp-hollowed coxes? also."The same way I entered in a cot", I would rework that.
Re: The correct order of things by Stephen Robins	31-Jan-06/8:44 AM
I LOVE the last stanza...as-is! It flows well for me!
Re: The correct order of things by Stephen Robins	31-Jan-06/8:44 AM
professionals> "a fool"...fools betters' tools...? Other than that...cool!
Re: Untouchable by rahson_s	31-Jan-06/8:40 AM
you must wait till she 'fills out' and she is almost 18...well...1st, if she is almost 18 she would /should be 'filled out'. If you state you must wait...but then go on to say how you make out in her bedroom, etc. it does not give the impression that you are waiting...nor that she is untouchable...just (and only) that you have not satisfied "the hunger of wanting to be inside her.".
Re: The Book of Images by Dovina	31-Jan-06/8:31 AM
I would have ended it at "so live." or reworked the very last line. (I didn't like it at all.) I think you were very original with this! I love the first stanza, the second was a little weak, to me, though. 'Hear' used in both of the two stanzas? Thinking I would have altered that, as well.
Re: Giving in to a boring suggestion by Joe-joe	31-Jan-06/8:23 AM
cute... 'a martyr'...excellent line!
Re: Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe	3-Jan-06/9:07 PM
giggling, bobby-socked girls, stained-glass, one-handed, I believe it should be. I like this...sweet. A little rough around the edges at> "along with scores of others that I could never hear. Only my own---only those in my time - - -
Re: Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe	3-Jan-06/9:06 PM
giggling, bobby-socked girls, stained-glass I believe it should be. I like this...sweet. A little rough around the edges at> "along with scores of others that I could never hear. Only my own---only those in my time - - -
Re: Shadow's Stride by D. $ Fontera	3-Jan-06/8:58 PM
shred reads as a typo...the single comma....'round... other than that the images are dark, but don't paint an entire picture well. It attempts to, but doesn't. I'd say keep working on it...make it more clear what is going on. (all the shades in this black room? black says black...no color...)
Re: Shut Me Up by D. $ Fontera	3-Jan-06/8:52 PM
I take it you are young or a 'young' writer. This wasn't impressive, but keep trying.
Re: loved once by celticskatermatt1	3-Jan-06/8:47 PM
I don't get it.....seems too disconnected. 'again'>typo. I take it you are afraid to commit...once bitten, twice shy thing here? It could have been more clear. Why the shame?
Re: light [edited] by lmp	3-Jan-06/8:43 PM
rind...hmm...fruit/ fades ON your skin.... you put a wilting fruit rind on her/his skin? Not a pretty picture...