The fact that the bird does his bowing so prematurely in the poem(I mean you hardly had time to enjoy him) leads me to think this is a well disguised metaphor for those 2 minute men that women are always talking about. ;D
Are you sure line 4 needs no puntuation?
Are you sure line 4 needs no puntuation?
A few minor nitpicks. Don't use "grassy knoll", it harks back to JFK's assasination. "Grassy mound" would work fine. Change "looked" to "seemed". The word look can be the act of looking or it can be just appearing to be and that duality in the word can for a second stumble the reader's train of thought. I think you meant "she waved HER arm" in the last stanza. Otherwise I think this is a very sweet fable and I can imagine telling this as a bedtime story to my niece. Yes, very heartwarming me thinks.
on Letting go by Caducus
11 Apr 2006, 5:48 AM
I think you might need some commas but maybe you meant to do omit them. Some of it gets a little hokey but some of the images like the last one are gems. Extra points for teaching me something about botany.
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2006, 6:12 AM
The real killers shot themselves in the library with no prom queen. Although Colonel Mustard may have been near by.
on Maybe I Wasnât Born on a Foolâs Day by Dovina
10 Apr 2006, 3:41 PM
"B-b-b-b-b-baaad, b-b-b-b-b-bad, bad to the bone..."
Nice Blues. :)
Nice Blues. :)
on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger
7 Apr 2006, 4:49 PM
I sensed a tinge of angst in this but it wasn't corny like those teeny-bopper poems, it was just enough to make the reader feel the youthfulness in the love poem.
She'll like it I think. It's like a modern Romeo and Juliet minus the suicidal crazy love stuff.
She'll like it I think. It's like a modern Romeo and Juliet minus the suicidal crazy love stuff.
on Blackout, Amman, November, 2005 by zodiac
6 Apr 2006, 5:55 PM
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. -from Richard Hall's Sniglets: Words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should.
on Good old days by amanda_dcosta
7 Apr 2006, 6:59 AM
The second stanza is jolting because, as Dovina said, it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Lose the last stanza, it's not needed. Being vague sometimes can make your poem more applicable to other peoples situations and thus more easy for them to identify with it. The thought of the last line in the poem is already in the readers head before they actually see it. So if you take away the last line the sentiment will still be there without you having to actually say it. One of the best things about poetry is when somrthing is said without actually being said.
on Explorations Underground by ecargo
3 Apr 2006, 2:11 PM
Amon?
Did you know color was very symbolic to Ancient Egyptians. Here, I found you a link:
http://www.egyptianmyths.net/colors.htm
Did you know color was very symbolic to Ancient Egyptians. Here, I found you a link:
http://www.egyptianmyths.net/colors.htm
on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina
3 Apr 2006, 1:19 PM
You start off great, with a natural voice and nice half rhyming but then you start Yoda talking and your rhymes get a little forced in the second half. Make the second half look a little more like the first half and I'll ace you.
on The Unforgiven II by alvinb
1 Apr 2006, 1:45 PM
I suppose you're hoping Lars will throw another press conference and announce that he's suing you like he did Napster. Good luck with that. My vote's this: "lO"
It's not a real ten but a copy of a ten.
It's not a real ten but a copy of a ten.
on Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta
31 Mar 2006, 9:51 AM
This is very sweet like Zodiac said but you might want to think of a slightly different title and phrase than "Because you love me" because Celine Dion has a hit song by the same name. I assume this is a poem to God. Which I like because of my prior arguments that believing in God is simular to being in love. 8 for now but more if you change the title/phrase slightly.
on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
31 Mar 2006, 10:03 AM
I ask you a simple question and you give me some of the best stuff I've read in quite a while. See, I told you your replies are ace. 10+
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2006, 11:39 AM
I bet your real passion is story telling. Your style seems to show that. You border on prose in much of your work. I would love to see this as a complimentary poem attached to the end of the story of what took place prior to this. Not your best though.
on Time Thief by Dovina
30 Mar 2006, 12:24 PM
Your a southern girl so procrastination is in your blood. I have no excuse for why I procrastinate. If only I were a pothead.
on Old Friend by drnick
30 Mar 2006, 1:21 PM
I like this alot but the last line seems like it's just a filler. Everything else is so personal and sincere that the last line with it's cliche`ness comes across like a Halmark card. Maybe something like "Is as surely as your distance grows".
I couldn't resist the Full Metal Jacket quote.