Re: a comment on Dying Abroad by zodiac |
7-Sep-06/3:15 AM |
Yes! I thought Jabberwocky as well, and even checked the original ("O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!") but felt it slightly too silly to mention...
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Re: Dying Abroad by zodiac |
6-Sep-06/9:36 AM |
Fantastic. This goes on my fave list. I re-read it to myself just so I could hear the rhythm out loud.
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Re: Deliberate Exclusion by MacFrantic |
5-Sep-06/9:52 AM |
Let me see if I get this. Are you saying, in a most tortuous manner, that you refuse to close your eyes when you kiss her?
If so, then I like the idea and the way you chose to express it, although the usage "my friend" is misleading if you are referring to a lover.
If not... well then I really didn't get it, and clarification would be welcome :-)
In any case, I think that there should be a stronger connection between the first and second parts of the poem (which are separated by "But I'm not complaining..."). I felt slightly jarred by the rough, seemingly unconnected transition.
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Re: Aisle by the bread counter by Caducus |
5-Sep-06/9:45 AM |
Nice, but why capitalize Mother, Father and Aisles? I don't get the connection. Besides, when you write "and he remembered his Father" it's got a priestly, not a fatherly connotation.
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Re: the poem reads me by daggatolar |
5-Sep-06/9:42 AM |
bore me not me
means of pointless poem
to bore not me.
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Re: Coyote Sunsets by DamienDen |
5-Sep-06/1:28 AM |
First of all, I love the last line. Love it!
~
I would correct, if I were you, the third stanza. It's not really gramatically correct, and the lines seem detached from one another. I don't really care for the Buddha reference - it conjures up images of a place and time completely unrelated to the canyon bluffs you're describing. Plus although the "night" line is good, it doesn't seem to fit in with the following coyote sunset - after all, night has already fallen, why bother talking about the sunset?
You've got some terrific imagery here, though. Almost every line has something to appreciate; I really enjoyed your poem. keep writing!
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Re: With Old Light by Ranger |
5-Sep-06/1:20 AM |
Ah, a poeme of ye olde pastoral Englande, before the wicked industrial revolution came to turn it into a haunt of machinery and smog! Wait, wait, I saw a reference to a tractor. Scratch that.
Stanzas 2,3,4 are my favorite, and despite all the criticism you've been getting about mixed metaphors, they are similar - because they all speak of nostalgia; of loss, and of what is left after the flurry of activity dies away.
I loved the windmills rotting within, although could not dislodge fleeting association of Don Quixote, which I doubt you were aiming at.
Stanza 5 is trickier. You've got the first reference to machinery, which would cause the reader (or at least, me) to perk up his proverbial ear. Although the first two lines fit in with the atmosphere of the previous stanzas, the rest are different and evoke action - engines are revving. You mention "craft and cunning", which in their turn imply action; the skyline sharpens (day is coming?).
I do not care for stanza 6, because it doesn't seem to fit in. I think it could probably be omitted, if you were to change the end of stanza 5.
First and closing stanzas are obviously very similar - heather, twilight, and two people. You should probably watch the twilight bit because stanza 6 is referring to the dawn, which might be temporally confusing...
They're terrific, of course, but I can't rid myself of the feeling that I've seen them, or something similar before. If I remember, I'll tell you; perhaps it's something in the unallayed peace and sweetness. I would personally prefer some imperfection in the final stanza, in order to connect it with the rest of the poem - for instance, a scene in which you are walking in wilted heather, the honeybees gone - but still together. It would fit in better, I feel, with the general "fading" of the poem.
But of course you do realize these are all comments on a masterly piece of work, right? 9 for now. With slight polish and rework, this would be a most beautiful 10.
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Re: Let this world crumble to dust without you by A_Dark_Calm |
5-Sep-06/1:00 AM |
Two last lines reminiscent of Marlowe: "Come live with me and be my Love". Nevertheless, I still like them *winks* two thumbs up. Sonnets kick ass - people should write more of them.
Stuff to be polished:
- "grateful hurry" - doesn't work for me. Why would it be grateful if the universe is being destroyed?
- "and nothing here for me can be enjoyed" - too cumbersome.
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Re: Songs of the hedge bird by ALChemy |
5-Jul-06/10:54 AM |
I hate to party poop, but the truth is that the happy little yellow bird doesn't know how to forage for food or where to sleep when it rains, and would probably end up being rejected by the flock, dripping and sad on a wet slippery branch, and have a pretty rough time of it altogether.
~
Niph, erstwhile misanthrope.
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Re: Bedlam Bazaar by Zoe |
5-Jul-06/10:47 AM |
At the beginning I thought this was a gibberish poem with a Welsh twist, Ã la Lewis Carroll. However, I enjoyed it even without the translation, since it gave me the freedom to interpret the lines as I wished.
Your imagery is most beautiful. At times, I really felt the lack of rhyming verses, precisely because of the careful meter and rhyming refrain (although I'm sure you meant it this way). On the whole, a lovely read.
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Re: a comment on A Little War Victim by amanda_dcosta |
26-Jun-06/8:57 AM |
I was also sure it was a 'she'! But then I corrected it to that horrible 'it' for the baby.
Can't name her, sorry, without making some kind of political statement...
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Re: a comment on A Little War Victim by amanda_dcosta |
26-Jun-06/8:54 AM |
I agree with Ranger. Everything from the baby's point of view, is great. However, in those two lines I really can't imagine the baby soaring to such heights of logic as to wonder about "humanity's wrath and scorn". After all, all the baby wants is somebody to comfort it, I don't think it understands (or cares, for that matter) about humanity.
Other than that, great job, Amanda. I love anything child-oriented you write, you do it so well :-D
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Re: a comment on I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove |
17-Jun-06/2:14 PM |
Wow, then I was way off the mark. I thought it had to do with some kind of rejected love... a little too obscure, perhaps you could clarify a bit? You've got a lovely concept there.
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Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger |
8-Jun-06/12:49 PM |
Viole is a reference to violence - assault, violation. If I had to bet, I'd say that viole, in conjuction with the slender neck, provides an additional, darker association of how easy it would be to snap.
- Niph, amateur psychopath ;-)
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Re: Godproof Hat by Dovina |
23-May-06/2:26 AM |
Um, sorry, but this ain't a limerick. At least, the first stanza isn't. Alhough the rhyming scheme matches (aabba), limericks have very well-defined meter (three stressed syllables in lines 1,2,5 and two in lines 3,4) and this doesn't really fit the bill. Because of the differences in meter (and language, too, come to think of it), the second stanza appears quite unrelated to the first.
Having said that, it's a funny, amusing piece of work... I especially liked the first stanza.
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Re: The Wife and the Spider by Caducus |
18-May-06/10:18 AM |
This is most excellent. You hold the spider metaphor intact throughout the entire poem without either forgetting or abusing it. And you do it so beautifully! Both the execution and concept are terrific. -10-.
p.s. I think "weaved" in the second line should be "wove".
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Re: a comment on Peeping Through The Window by Edna Sweetlove |
17-May-06/1:02 PM |
Well, darn. Sucks to be me.
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Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy |
17-May-06/8:48 AM |
Tried to fuck that ho like he couldn't in the hood /
but damn! that bitch, she a virgin for good
Whatever he do, can't stick it in, no hole, just skin,
Gonna beat his meat forever cuz he just can't win.
Nigga never knew all he'd do was masturbate
Once he blew himself sky-high through the Pearly Gates
But yours is better :-) true to da beat.
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Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy |
17-May-06/8:32 AM |
"They just don't give a Shiite".
10 because I fuckin' loved that line. I was actually planning to try a parody on that following your conversation w/ Ranger, but you beat me to it and did it great! ^_^
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Re: a comment on A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta |
16-May-06/11:24 AM |
Do you have an online gallery, I wonder? I'd be interested in seeing your work :-) and how it works with the poetry you write.
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