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Deliberate Exclusion (Free verse) by MacFrantic My eyes are canals and causeways that are constantly feeding.
Sunlight spills into them and rocky outcroppings protrude
to sever my illusions. But I'm not complaining about that.
I'm arrested by the words: a sickeningly obsequious barrage.
You're shameful and restitute behind your goodness, my friend.
There shall not be a deliberate exclusion when we kiss.
Not if I can help it. You shall remain as you are,
yourself.
Up the ladder:
Gifts of Friendship
Down the ladder:
Waiting
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.75
Posted: August 31, 2006 11:41 AM PDT; Last modified: August 31, 2006 11:41 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.8509965 Overall Rank: 10556 Comments:
[6]
Dovina @ 17.255.240.138
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1-Sep-06/12:13 PM
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Reply
This "Prose Poem" is too vague and lacks punch. Apparently her shameful obsequiousness is the narrator's objection. Why not make that clearly poignant?
Let me see if I get this. Are you saying, in a most tortuous manner, that you refuse to close your eyes when you kiss her?
If so, then I like the idea and the way you chose to express it, although the usage "my friend" is misleading if you are referring to a lover. If not... well then I really didn't get it, and clarification would be welcome :-) In any case, I think that there should be a stronger connection between the first and second parts of the poem (which are separated by "But I'm not complaining..."). I felt slightly jarred by the rough, seemingly unconnected transition.
Actually, I am indicating that the love is gone. The kiss is one-sided, and she just goes along with it, hence "illusions." I can see that the spark is gone, but she won't admit it. She still speaks lovingly, a lie. She is no longer a lover, but a friend.
The deliberate exclusion would be Love, but I won't try to change her. 170 view(s)
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