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Deliberate Exclusion

Member since 2003 · Posted 31 Aug 2006 · 3 comments

My eyes are canals and causeways that are constantly feeding. Sunlight spills into them and rocky outcroppings protrude to sever my illusions. But I'm not complaining about that. I'm arrested by the words: a sickeningly obsequious barrage. You're shameful and restitute behind your goodness, my friend. There shall not be a deliberate exclusion when we kiss. Not if I can help it. You shall remain as you are, yourself.

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3 comments

[6] Dovina 1-Sep-06/12:13 PM Reply

This "Prose Poem" is too vague and lacks punch. Apparently her shameful obsequiousness is the narrator's objection. Why not make that clearly poignant?

[8] Niphredil 5-Sep-06/9:52 AM Reply

Let me see if I get this. Are you saying, in a most tortuous manner, that you refuse to close your eyes when you kiss her?

If so, then I like the idea and the way you chose to express it, although the usage "my friend" is misleading if you are referring to a lover.
If not... well then I really didn't get it, and clarification would be welcome :-)

In any case, I think that there should be a stronger connection between the first and second parts of the poem (which are separated by "But I'm not complaining..."). I felt slightly jarred by the rough, seemingly unconnected transition.

[n/a] MacFrantic › Niphredil 5-Sep-06/12:39 PM Reply

Actually, I am indicating that the love is gone. The kiss is one-sided, and she just goes along with it, hence "illusions." I can see that the spark is gone, but she won't admit it. She still speaks lovingly, a lie. She is no longer a lover, but a friend.

The deliberate exclusion would be Love, but I won't try to change her.