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Aisle by the bread counter (Free verse) by Caducus A child wandered through Aisles
Trying to find his Mother
A Mum wandered through Aisles
Trying to find her son,
And found him good as gold
Leaning on the warm glass
Watching loaves rise in the oven.
Crying,
She smacked him on the legs
But he still watched the loaves
Smelling the aroma of them
And he remembered his Father
Smiling.
Up the ladder:
Passion is
Down the ladder:
More drugs.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: December 20, 2005 2:15 AM PST; Last modified: September 1, 2006 7:21 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9525743 Overall Rank: 8805 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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20-Dec-05/12:20 PM
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Reply
Finally, you're writing plainly, understandably, as if convinced. And still it is warm.
Don't randomly capitalize words.
Nice, but why capitalize Mother, Father and Aisles? I don't get the connection. Besides, when you write "and he remembered his Father" it's got a priestly, not a fatherly connotation.
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