Re: The taste of something new. by darby pyn	5-Jul-05/8:18 AM
"as transparent as vanity" is a good line because it can mean at least two things. I wish you had gone the other way with it.
Re: Promise Me by Taco	5-Jul-05/8:15 AM
You're right, it's not smart to love in this way. Unless this is poking fun at people who do, and I don't see hints of that, it is shallow.
Re: grampa told us stories by elderking	5-Jul-05/8:12 AM
The word "feigning" sets a stage for sattire or belittlement. But I don't think that's what you intend.
Re: A Place by Celtic	4-Jul-05/10:48 AM
"hollowed out trees" If it has a deeper meaning, I missed it.
Re: Crack baby by Caducus	4-Jul-05/10:42 AM
I often wish to write as metaphoric and imaginative as you, and often wish you would do it less for clarity's sake. Here I think you have a pretty good balance. But shouldn't it be "disconnected from skin by scissors"? The first three verses are good, but the last leaves some untapped drama or its clouded in image. It seems the last line could come up so it applies to Mummy and end with the zip code of granite.
Re: a comment on Gratitude by Dovina	3-Jul-05/10:38 PM
Who are you talking to in Line 5?
Re: a comment on Gratitude by Dovina	3-Jul-05/10:37 PM
Although I have no qualms about using "pleasure" as a verb, I’m changing it to "enjoy" because I’ve used pleasure twice.
Re: What's my favorite scar. by darby pyn	2-Jul-05/6:25 AM
I'd like it better with good punctuation and complete sentences and line breaks at meaningful locations. As is, you can know if a man's a guitar player by feeling the tips of his fingers on the left hand. And I can see from the last lines you're angry. But I think it would be stronger with fewer words.
Re: Uncorked by impert&ent	2-Jul-05/6:18 AM
You have totally changed the poem and called it an edit. I think it's better to post a new poem. Anyway, this depends on a reader's knowledge of allusions. Maybe it means something to someone else.
Re: it's okay to cry, idiot by calliope	1-Jul-05/4:08 PM
"idiot" in the title detracts. Line 2 could be left out without loss.
Re: My Little Africa (edit) by Nuit	1-Jul-05/4:05 PM
illution - us a spell checker. I think the voice of the first verse could be carried through to greater effect. Toward the end it get whiney and loses impact.
Re: a comment on Gratitude by Dovina	1-Jul-05/3:57 PM
Surely you have seen enjoyment in a cow’s face while eating; I mean while the cow was eating. So the anthropomorphosis problem is not in the pleasure of eating, but in relating the pleasure to ancestors who made eating possible. If I were to fancy that kind of thinking in a gazelle or lion, for example, how is that more plausible than a nose-ringed bull? Anyway, the analogy to human thinking is what I’m aiming for, as you know—the way I sometimes feel grateful for the courting and sex that make this hamburger enjoyable. Maybe I’ll go at it from another angle.
Re: a comment on Gratitude by Dovina	30-Jun-05/4:13 PM
Then how about this: On summer hills, a heavy bull drools, brittle brown grass like cigarillos in his teeth, his eyes fixed on consumption, oblivious to my presence, I wonder if he remembers the green blades of winter, or finds a duty of the living to pleasure in what the dead cannot, a gratitude for the running and mating that made this small pleasure possible. Okay, I didn’t give you a subset. I’m still hoping the running and mating of his parents that gave rise to his existence is what gives this bull the gratitude and the will to make it through bleak late summer, hoping for green grass of winter and reveling in the life of it all. Do bulls think like that? Probably not, but I can hope they do.
Re: Uncorked by impert&ent	30-Jun-05/3:59 PM
Go home alone? The ending is weak if all you mean is that you unscrewed a bottle cap.
Re: a comment on WHAT KIND OF FOOL ARE YOU? by Joshua_Tree	30-Jun-05/3:53 PM
I find it more useful to post my newest writings. That way I get comments, not on history, but on something vestigial, workable. Dividing it into "A" material and "B" material - well it should all be "A" material.
Re: a comment on A Righteous Prayer by Dovina	30-Jun-05/3:39 PM
Rotten in what way? If you say the grammar is bad, look at the grammar in the average prayer. If you say the phrases do not say clearly what I mean, again, look at prayers.
Re: Try Thinking Too by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	30-Jun-05/8:00 AM
So she has a glossy coat of passion covering mangy skin of unintelligence. Sounds like a passionate way of saying it.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	30-Jun-05/7:34 AM
No, this android, though predictable, will not this time say what you expect. I see what you and shuushin mean about the first verse and will clarify it thus: He wallows in hurt- women who wronged him Lovers so shallow they stab him on whims leave the very next morning The second verse is already clear, I think, but it changes from human to android. It ceases to pass for human as the first verse may.
Re: a comment on Father’s Day by Dovina	30-Jun-05/7:16 AM
That’s a good explanation of your position — that I said things I believe to be untrue in order to jar people. That’s still a long way from saying "offensive untrue things about people." Since the poem is about a hypothetical man as far as anyone reading it on poemranker knows, it should only be offensive if he sees within himself a bitter core. Then he might be jarred into saying it’s not true. If so, my purpose is partly accomplished.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	29-Jun-05/8:22 AM
I’m no psychologist, but it seems he wants his sorrow over happiness, and acts to produce more sorrow.