| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
A Righteous Prayer (Free verse) by Dovina Oh, God, Whom I enthrone
Because You meet my needs
Grant now my petitions
For which I make claim
I bring humbly before You
All those lofty ideals Iâve kept
With passion for religion
As tools for advancement
As Your Word admonishes
I now beseech
Not in prayer demanding
But in humble knowing
I ask in faith, believing
Rejecting the hypocrites
Who say with their platitudes
Youâve outlived usefulness
I shall not shrink from asking
With a righteous heart
From One who gives to those
In whom He delights
Amen
Up the ladder:
Silencing the Silenced
Down the ladder:
harvest moon
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: June 23, 2005 7:16 PM PDT; Last modified: June 23, 2005 7:16 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2384057 Overall Rank: 4120 Comments:
[n/a]
Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.47
|
23-Jun-05/11:29 PM
|
Reply
As a prayer it seems a little vague as to what is actually wanted.
[n/a]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.185
> Blue Magpie
|
24-Jun-05/7:49 PM
|
Reply
It's about the way I ask.
I feel like she has thanked God for all his blessing,
and she is pleading with him not in prayer, but in faith. All she is asking God is to keep her strong in her faith, because she does'nt want to go back to those evil ways.
Some of this grammar is a mess. In special need of changing:
"Grant now my petitions For which I make claim" "All those lofty ideals Iâve kept With passion for religion As tools for advancement" "As Your Word admonishes I now beseech"
I think the grammar issue goes back to our disagreement on punctuation. I omit commas at the ends of lines, thinking a pause is inferred there, where you say they are needed. See how these sentences look grammically when the inferred commas are added.
"Grant now my petitions, for which I make claim." "I bring humbly before You all those lofty ideals Iâve kept, with passion for religion, as tools for advancement." "As Your Word admonishes, I now beseech, ..." Granted, the grammar is a bit awkward for prose, but for poetry, I think it's acceptable.
Why on earth should bad grammar be acceptable in poetry, I would say the opposite, as poetry is about the most beautiful use of the language bad grammar should be less acceptable in poetry, at least poetry that aspires to be good poetry.
As I was saying, the grammar is not bad in my opinion. In poetry, we often make the grammar awkward for the sake of ryythm or flow. May I ask why you have brought up bad grammar?
More importantly, your first comment shows that you do not know what this is about.
I so agree. Although I do not find the grammar in this poem bad at all.
I understood the punctuation as such. I still think it's messy. At the very least, "Grant now my petitions, for which I make claim" is horrendously overworded. And would you really, really say "I make claim for my petitions"? Would you really say "I've kept something with passion for religion"?
I would not say these things in ordinary conversation. But as you should have realized, this is a prayer and uses the language of prayer. But it's not an ordinary prayer, rather a use of prayer language to say things that would not be properly understood if said in the language of conversation. I don't want to spill the whole thing, but try to look at it from the viewpoint of someone who truly prays, and compare what this poem is saying to what such a person might pray, using only slight variations in wording.
Yes, I understand all that. I've known that from the beginning. I still think the wording's rotten in parts. More rotten than actual prayer, even.
Rotten in what way? If you say the grammar is bad, look at the grammar in the average prayer. If you say the phrases do not say clearly what I mean, again, look at prayers.
Sorry, that doesn't cut it for me. Maybe it'll cut it for someone else and maybe that person will be more handsome than me or a billionaire publisher or something, but I kind of doubt it.
I already said what way rotten. 1) Grant now my petitions For which I make claim is redundant, and hits me kind of like fingernails on chalkboards. Again, you wouldn't say "I make claim for my petitions". Even praying-type people don't. You do this every time you try to keep a participle from dangling and if you don't watch out you're going to get stuck in that posture. 2) I've kept With passion for religion As tools for advancement is silly, and sounds so unlike prayer that you can't even say it's supposed to be bad it's prayer. 3) The third stanza. 294 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
