| Re: Library Window by steven adams |
14-Oct-04/3:56 PM |
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In Verse 1, the two couplets seem unrelated until I get to the last line of Verse 2. The first 2 lines of Verse 2 seem choppy and wordy. It's a good thought, but you might want to consider rearranging the lines.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Oct-04/4:05 PM |
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This is good except for the last 6 lines which open a new subject.
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| Re: Shattered by Aetius |
14-Oct-04/5:05 PM |
I agree that the punctuation is not needed.
Haikus are supposed to be 5-7-5, thus the "There are" in line 2. But those words are so trite here that I'd omit them. Otherwise good.
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| Re: Youth by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
14-Oct-04/5:52 PM |
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Adolescence hits boys harder than girls. We bleed a little and breasts pop out, but boys are crazed with madness.
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| Re: season #3 by oneglove |
14-Oct-04/6:56 PM |
A good take on fall, except for "frigid air conquest /
Distant flames battle." Maybe something about flames in the wood stove instead. Welcome to Poemranker.
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| Re: the gold rush by oneglove |
14-Oct-04/7:01 PM |
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| Re: On Going Blind by Fear of Garbage |
15-Oct-04/11:06 AM |
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I have not seen the painting, but already think I know how it looks from your vivid description. Could you post a link to it?
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| Re: the battle for troy by oneglove |
17-Oct-04/9:08 AM |
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I hate the term, true love. It is love or not, but what is true love? Otherwise, I find this fanciful, but alright in a mushy way.
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| Re: Fast Dreams by cuddlytiger17 |
17-Oct-04/9:11 AM |
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I don't see how you race through a dream.
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| Re: Zipmark'd by fevriere |
17-Oct-04/11:42 AM |
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It's cute the way you split the lines and ran some of the words together, but frankly, I think it detracts.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
17-Oct-04/2:38 PM |
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I was about to complain that the line breaks are odd when for some reason it seemed to read well anyway. Comma after night.
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| Re: Marlowe, Raleigh, INTRANSIT (God speaks) by INTRANSIT |
18-Oct-04/2:57 PM |
This is the craziest thing I've seen you write, starting with the title. (And btw, welcome back) What on earth are you trying to say with these mushy, flowery, King James words? "and all the world and love are young"? Really! And "enjoyest thee" must surely mean 'enjoy thou.' And "steepy mountain yields" means something I'm sure. "Roses and posies" is a bit lik saying 'women and people.'
Oh, yo're pulling our collective legs, aren't you? The last line is lol.
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| Re: You by Fire_is_cool |
19-Oct-04/9:45 AM |
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The daughter is her daughter's child. On it goes. Well done.
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| Re: Irreversible by Caducus |
19-Oct-04/9:49 AM |
Quite good, especially, "the victim of lies became what he despised." I would omit the last 3 lines.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
19-Oct-04/11:28 AM |
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| Re: Drive on by Meler1123 |
19-Oct-04/12:12 PM |
I like the driving rhythm. Too many adjectives in lines like, "Awoken by that loud rumbling sound." -> Awake to rumbles, or something simple like that.
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| Re: BLOBBY FUN"!** by MR Blobby |
19-Oct-04/12:43 PM |
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Nursery rhyme madness. Why? They are mad enough as is.
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| Re: Unbalancing Act by MacFrantic |
19-Oct-04/12:46 PM |
"often crazy in the head" about sums it up.
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| Re: Unseen Death by Fire_is_cool |
19-Oct-04/2:18 PM |
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A short story with too many "then"s and commas, Not a poem.
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| Re: the victory by oneglove |
19-Oct-04/5:19 PM |
I wonder why you break rhythm in the last three lines.
I weep with joy
for Christ has conquered
As a tree delivered
Him to hades
now a tree releases
me from bondage
Just a thought.
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