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Zipmark'd (Free verse) by fevriere
Clever you, whiskeysour wakeling, clever your hands slip -pery on the animal of you; on the hip sidewalk. You flush the lavendar veins of your thighs and generally let your inside take pride in bringing to life your corps. Crumbs; all that went on at that Party lasnight was your body and your insides Raging Waking; then the drink put you to bed, so you found your self allclothed, unhid; you let your self dangle over the edge of the bed - extremities growing cold. You were delighted to find that Lust had disappeared overnight and steamed-up windows had come clear.

Up the ladder: The Happy Elixir

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Weighted score: 5.1788044
Overall Rank: 4939
Posted: October 17, 2004 10:51 AM PDT; Last modified: October 21, 2004 5:39 AM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 | 17-Oct-04/11:42 AM | Reply
It's cute the way you split the lines and ran some of the words together, but frankly, I think it detracts.
[n/a] Fear of Garbage @ 67.39.1.26 | 18-Oct-04/12:40 PM | Reply
its not cute at all. please, put it all into normal context and it will be rated much higher.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.6 > Fear of Garbage | 21-Oct-04/5:40 AM | Reply
I've changed it a little so that the structure's some less pretentious, but I wanted to keep it disjointed. So ner, basically.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.66 | 21-Oct-04/7:06 AM | Reply
I like the psuedo-beat thing going on here. I think it's better than mine.
[9] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 | 21-Oct-04/1:19 PM | Reply
It's better now, but why do you split "slippery?" And "your self allclothed" adds nothing more than "yourself all clothed."
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.6 > Dovina | 22-Oct-04/4:37 PM | Reply
Allclothed is a compound adjective. I like it. It stays.
Slippery slips off the end of the line. I thought you learnt about enjambement the other day? Wasn't it you who was utilisting it so prettily the other day?
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