Re: Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick	23-Jun-07/4:13 AM
The repeated lines: I sit alone in my apartment Looking, hoping, praying inside someone's American dream could be a wrap-up verse or something.
Re: You Don't Not Know No Shit by Skamper	23-Jun-07/4:03 PM
Sounds like a rap with double and triple negatives to which I'm not hip. Has a nice sound to it though.
Re: The Riddle by lexxie100	29-Jun-07/3:01 PM
It's so hard to be clear; why would anyone try to be unclear.
Re: courtyard by lmp	29-Jun-07/3:03 PM
S1 is plain and easy. S2 is kind of haiku - very sparse. The two together seem mismatched.
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	29-Jun-07/3:13 PM
The first two verses move along fine; I'm into it there. But in mid-poem, too many twists, too much I can't find allusion for, and wonder why every prayer should not be a see-through prayer.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	29-Jun-07/3:19 PM
I think you should drop the last verse. It's too telling, and really says nothing not implied above.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	29-Jun-07/3:28 PM
Either omit the one period or punctuate as prudent. I suggest the latter. Try omitting "and the" in L3, and "the" in L4.
Re: Deeper by Skamper	30-Jun-07/4:46 PM
Love ends! Frightened now?
Re: The Demonbaker's Death by PsydewaysTears	1-Jul-07/2:00 PM
I agree with what ranger will say: Too much prose, too little rhythm. The same story will sound better with iambs and such. It's a good story.
Re: Lullaby by lexxie100	1-Jul-07/2:02 PM
L4 seems there only for the rhyme.
Re: Farewell by Skamper	4-Jul-07/6:10 PM
I think commas would be better than dashes here. “What say you – Conscience” means that what you say is Conscience. But I think you are asking your Conscience what it says.
Re: Promise Knot by PsydewaysTears	4-Jul-07/6:12 PM
Some of the rhymes seem forced. It comes out fine in the end though. Is it your wedding vow? Jk
Re: Dark void by Prince of Void	4-Jul-07/6:15 PM
Oh, there’s a lost love in a dark void? Most intriguing.
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	4-Jul-07/6:19 PM
There's this collective pinna to which you all have emotional ties. It's difficult for all of us (women) to get arround it.
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	4-Jul-07/6:25 PM
I does not show the bicyclist you went clear over to the other shoulder to pass, knowing that your wind gust might knock her off balance if you passed too close, and her sigh of relief. Was that you?
Re: Cheers to the Eve of Christmas by lexxie100	5-Jul-07/2:24 PM
Better than your last one. Shows more insight that at 15-person should have. "My story will become Just one more volume to Line the Fates shelves" could be shortened or omitted. The "fate" thing is much overdone in poems, not just yours. Try to find a new twist on it. The last two lines are good.
Re: Summer Loving by Christof	5-Jul-07/2:29 PM
Slips on her heels to achieve the S Of breast and spine, of calf, of self. These lines could start something from her POV. As it is, it gets quite twisted.
Re: Miles Apart, You Say by Dovina	7-Jul-07/6:54 AM
Today is 7/7/07, the luckiest possible. Now gimme tens.
Re: The Child in The Painting by PsydewaysTears	7-Jul-07/7:45 PM
"There is" seldom works, especially at the start, adds nothing that I can see. "beyond the veil" - what does that mean? I can see this child though, so in spite of too many words, I get it.
Re: In the maybe by INTRANSIT	7-Jul-07/7:58 PM
"sandpaper days" comes from some song I don't know. If not, it should. 1200 grit is extremely fine, I think, like polishing rouge, which is what the top of some heads look like. How it makes Friday fall short I can't see. Would be nice to carry the metaphor further. comma after hammer. Last 2 verses good.