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The Demonbaker's Death (Free verse) by PsydewaysTears
There's a demon in my skin naked and hunched over a teetering little twit he doesn't speak but I can feel his thoughts pressing out from in knives of plastic rubbing uncomfortably against the cloaked barrier of flesh that I imprison him in. There's a faerie in the forest slender and serene a wisp of a lily's fist she's swift and visits my window as often as the dawn to make funny faces that make me twist a grin out of the nothingness that I slip in and out of. There's a song that fills the air up-tempo and obscene a perverse but boiling beat it's catchy like the flu and sounds a lot like time turned upside-down so the ghosts can fall to freedom and the fireflies just gasp until they've blinked their last breath. There's a bloody hole between my shoulders where the demon chewed through and there are bloody little footprints trickled across my pillow and up onto the window sill where they disappear I'm sadly less than surprised at the nature of my demise but that's when I wince into the distance to discover fate's final tryst. There's a faerie in the sunset with a little demon dangling in her arms headed for a far off place where it doesn't stink like my rotting corpse where the things I've grown so great at pretending don't exist dance to the rhythm of an entirely different drum as they slowly blossom into much lovelier human beings than I was ever going to become.

Down the ladder: Birthday

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.6666665
Weighted score: 4.9602656
Overall Rank: 8572
Posted: July 1, 2007 12:54 PM PDT; Last modified: July 1, 2007 12:54 PM PDT
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[7] Dovina @ | 1-Jul-07/2:00 PM | Reply
I agree with what ranger will say: Too much prose, too little rhythm. The same story will sound better with iambs and such. It's a good story.
[n/a] Ranger @ > Dovina | 3-Jul-07/2:39 AM | Reply
What am I supposed to say if people keep stealing my comments in advance?
[7] Skamper @ | 1-Jul-07/6:09 PM | Reply
notice how your first stanzas are shorter lines? That works really well - stick to that. I love the fantasy/goth feel of this...
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