replying on Putney at Low Tide by Christof
11 Sep 2002, 1:23 AM
Hmm, I suppose Fulham FC doesn't mean much to an American audience - it's a soccer club in London by the banks of the Thames. And there are obviously problems with the last stanza!
replying on Putney at Low Tide by Christof
11 Sep 2002, 1:21 AM
In the name of Christ man do you not recognise irony? Do your ecognise no other register than full-tilt polemical crazy bull-at-a-gate thickheadedness? Quiet is the new loud, matey. And this poem has nothing to do with being deep! It's just a description of a place! It's by way of being a sly joke! In the name of all that's fucking holy talking to you is such a waste of time... You have the considered subtlety of a jackhammer in a tin hut.
on Lavendar Gate by <~>
10 Sep 2002, 8:59 AM
That's 'keep'. Sorry.
on Lavendar Gate by <~>
10 Sep 2002, 8:58 AM
As usual, graceful and gracious. And slightly medieval here - I think it's the 'kepp' that does it.
replying on Putney at Low Tide by Christof
10 Sep 2002, 8:56 AM
The business with this full stop is fascinating. it's never occurred to me you could read it that way. I think I'll stick with the original because I want the exercising man to be drawn to the window by the bird, but the other suggestions are very valid.
replying on Oaxaca city fragment by poetandknowit
10 Sep 2002, 8:54 AM
It reminds me of similar scenes in Spain - the closest I've ever come to Mexico. It does sound amazing, and good luck with your tense bending activities.
replying on My cousin's baby sitter. by Bachus
10 Sep 2002, 8:36 AM
Fair enough old boy, point taken. But acerbic still beats acetic hands down.
replying on Putney at Low Tide by Christof
10 Sep 2002, 8:09 AM
ACtually it would change the cuase-and-effect of events in an intersting way - the man in the gym would no longer look out of the window becuase he heard the bird, but the lights would be triggered by the call of the bird. Yes, very interesting...
replying on Putney at Low Tide by Christof
10 Sep 2002, 8:03 AM
The first two line sof stanza 4 are the last clause of the sentence that runs throughout stanza 3. A comma here would destroy the sentence structure. The last two lines are a sentence in their own right, verbs and everything. The decision to run over the sentence from stanza 3 was deliberate - I like to subvert my own forms sometimes.
replying on Putney at Low Tide by Christof
10 Sep 2002, 7:58 AM
This poem moves forward in sentences so I think I need the full stop. It gives a natural pause before the final sentence.
replying on My cousin's baby sitter. by Bachus
10 Sep 2002, 7:35 AM
Do you mean an acerbic comment? An ascetic comment would be one that's taken a vow of celibacy, dresses in sackcloth and sleeps on a stone bed.
on Breakfast in Bed by brazen
10 Sep 2002, 7:32 AM
Your food metaphor works really well. the first stanza is impressively tight - think if you left it at that you'd have a good poem as well.
on A Memory of Something Yet to Come by brazen
10 Sep 2002, 7:31 AM
Theidea of being just a sequel is very depressing
replying on Waking Up by PawnedTidal
10 Sep 2002, 7:27 AM
To be fair, I don't thinkt his poem has anything to do with parents
on Pagan ME King by proteusplum
10 Sep 2002, 6:49 AM
Rest assured I shall be first in line with the cleaver. This is smashing.
on Russian Roulette by <~>
10 Sep 2002, 6:45 AM
This tells the story econmically, with a very restrained tone that really underlines the tragic events - very good.
on Oaxaca city fragment by poetandknowit
10 Sep 2002, 6:43 AM
Really good visceral stuff, but might read more easily if 'passed' became 'past' and if the women searched in the past tense with the cocks.
on while you are away on the islands by poetandknowit
10 Sep 2002, 6:39 AM
I quite like this, but you seem to lose grip of your rhythms towards the end - the last line just clunks a little bit. I think it needs to be shorter.
on The Writing Life by poetandknowit
10 Sep 2002, 1:02 AM
Very funny, a real snapshot of life as we all too disturbingly know it