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Russian Roulette (Free verse) by <~> Twenty years later,
the first thing I notice
Are your laughing eyes,
laughing after everything
Crazy, maybe...
but surely kind
(I didn't know about the accident)
When you crack a smile,
the cracks bleed true
Leaking out the light behind
colored blue blue blue
let the sorrow through
Everything will be True
Your tears
would have drowned his ghost
had he ever appeared;
instead they
Dry in the wind as you ride home helmetless, alone
He left you undone, still
Laughing until that shot stopped everything;
in the kitchen, ruined by
that hole he blew
and you never heard the crack but
The recoil sent you sprawling
He didn't leave a note
or clean up his mess
He left you with a toddler
and a ring--between you
Just all that blood
The one you loved
was gone before he left
He took the bet
Six chances to prove something
Five held nothing for him
One cashed in and
Found what he was looking for
Up the ladder:
The spinning infirmary
Down the ladder:
An Ode to minorties that use Paprika
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.7272725
Posted: September 9, 2002 7:43 PM PDT; Last modified: October 8, 2002 7:54 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.3636365 Overall Rank: 811 Comments:
You just changed the style of this. Last time it came up, I set it aside because of the style, so wise choice in the change. You used laugh in some form 5 times and crack 3 times - is it intended repetition? Third stanza is excellent, but I have trouble with the second and the poem seems to drag along at times to the end. Seems you mixed some moving and downright fine images, with "just getting it all out on paper." Take the comma from behind "left." I think it has more power without any pause and it creates a nice image. Just a thought. I don't know, I like the poem overall, (it is not a triangle) but it could use some tightening, especially in the 4th stanza.
yes, laugh and crack are intentional repetitions. the second is an empathetic keening; does is make more sense as such, or still weak? you mean the comma by 'undone'? i think it has 2 meanings with the comma in and only one without it...yes. the 4th will be tightened, but this is less than 2 hours old now, so... thanks
Ya know, PAKI, as repellent as you are, quality analysis such as this makes me like you, just a little. Keep it up and always focus on the golden triangle (1.61803, ya know.....Do ya?).
Although irritable, edgy and, of course, opinionated by nature I am simply repellent so people will read my work. When I post something people read it 1) because it is good and 2) because I piss them off and they want to hate my work but cannot because it is too damn good.
4 is tighter now, p&k. maybe i'll squeeze it some more tomorrow.
4, 5, & 6 definitely. "The recoil sent you..." So good I closed my eyes. Yes. I also like the way she rides her moto without her helmet. Some R&R of her own. Whether you meant that way or not.
gracias, amiga. yes, her very own r&r. no helmet, and she often 'forgets' her night glasses, and rides in shades after dark... i'm sure there's a few more chambers, but i've only known her a year now. she is amazing, steel and mayfly...
Yes absolutely yes! Try making the 1st stanza, which will now be the 2nd, present tense. Does that sound better to you?
i think that brings it around nicely.
Not to be REPELLANT, but what kind of gun was this - could see kitchen through hole, but I guess the RR is referring to other things and not the actual act of the game, which is played with a revoler and most likely wouldn't make that kind of hole...well. I kind of like the idea of someone playing RR knowing the whole time they are going to play to lose. I don't know, you are describing an act from you view of a story from someone else and I kind of want to know the five knocks that pushed him to it. But that is another poem I guess. I also think the "mess" gives a clear image and "just the blood" goes overboard, but I suppose you are shooting for the double purpose, I am just not sure I like it.
you always repell me p&k, but isn't that your self-proclaimed M.O.? 'just the blood' is the dual thing again, (the mess, the familial ties), and also because, dammit, it need the word 'just' to justify the structure--1st and last lines ea stanza are their own entities as well, and without 'just' it don't werk that way. yes, the hole is exaggerated in size. you got me. the act is big, so the hole has mirrored it. and in the kitchen, bastion of domesticity...
The hole represents to me, sort of the mundane mixed with the horror. She walks in, sees the guy her child takes after sprawle d out in his own blood and she notices Hey, I can see the kitchen from here. In my minds eye the kitchen is still normal and untouched. Like looking into a dollhouse. Keep it.
You think the kid could fit through the hole?
If you're asking me, no I don't think the kid could fit through it. There still remains the possibility that it isn't really all that large. I can see alot through a small opening. And if I'm caught in a surreal moment I can see everything. The kids never getting anywhere near that hole.
Put something in the hole, come on, we need more poetry that is sensational. Does she have a cat, put that in the hole or maybe the kid has a gerbil. That would do. But for a real shocker, have her put the kid in the hole. Like trying to use the life and blood of the toddler to put the man back together again. A Humpty Dumpty image, yes, that is it, a child's rhyme showing the loss of innocence....
Plus, she says the kitchen is ruined, not destroyed. He pretty muched ruined the whole house wouldn'y you say? Regardless of the structual damage.
I thought the hole was in him.
You're making my brain hurt. Are you on drugs?
Bravo sister. Keep sharpening your pencils. Solid 10s.
This tells the story econmically, with a very restrained tone that really underlines the tragic events - very good.
hmm. this was too proselike for my taste, and the intro ditty really didn't do it for me. the "form" is somewhat interesting, but could still _flow_ better.
I would change the title to "5 out of 6 Dentists" or something vague. Otherwise, good poem.
Zinni - I avoided reading this one because of the title - too obvious and somewhat pedantic. I think you could lose the whole first stanza, not water down the focus; which is the ones left behind (as it always is) and not glorify the act. I can only think of Virgina Hamilton Adair's poem on her husband's suicide, "one ordinary evening" 8
i have taken your suggestion ismael. but i think i shall leave the title, so the reader has some clue.
I love this zzzzinny. I hope you didn't discard Stanza one. It works on its own as a single poem as well. Just title it "Five out of Six" - I've noticed your poems tend harbour other poems inside.
this is AMAZING....i mean its so....amazing...i love that last stanza...ten all the way
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I like the poem but to me there is some confusion here:
He left you undone, still
Laughing until that shot stopped everything;-->
in the kitchen, ruined by
that hole he blew-->
and you never heard the crack but-->
The recoil sent you sprawling-----> The recoil sent her sprawling? How could she not hear the gun go off?
He didn't leave a note
or clean up his mess--> How can a dead man clean up a mess?
Or is this just good use of poetic licence?
Margaret