poemranker ::while you are away on the islands by poetandknowit

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Free verse № 13883

while you are away on the islands

Member since 2002 · Posted 9 Sep 2002 · 12 comments

the city cold and damp for spring, dead gray sky and frozen ground, the shifting darkness outside my window as passing cars battle the fading breath of space atop the dirty street. a photograph inside my wallet eases each fragmented hour, reminds me how wealthy i've become in these fleeing days of winter. your name scrawled three thousand times across my walls once for each mile you stand apart from this place, smiling against a tiring sun, one last glimpse at an endless sea with only the weight of water to hold these things between us.

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mean 5.78 weighted 5.77 rank 1763 views 227 View voting details →

23 votes so far. Yours would make 24.23 votes so far

12 comments

[7] Christof 10-Sep-02/6:39 AM Reply
I quite like this, but you seem to lose grip of your rhythms towards the end - the last line just clunks a little bit. I think it needs to be shorter.
[9] [mojo] 10-Sep-02/2:30 PM Reply
Beautiful but ever so slightly uninteresting. Can't fault the word choice or structure, can't award anything less than a 9 in fairness, but don't feel "rewarded" for having read it...if you know what i mean?
[0] Amelia 11-Sep-02/5:47 PM Reply
Hey Poetandknowit I hope you read this cause I think your comment was very insulting and uncalled for. If you don't have something nice to say or you do not have constructive corrections then keep your bloody opinions to yourself. Imbecile!
[n/a] poetandknowit › Amelia 11-Sep-02/5:51 PM Reply
Thank you for the vote. Unfortunately in your wildest dreams, you would never be able to write at this level. But an angry 2 I'll take. If your poem comes up in the random file, I will comment on it. I am not sure what your found so insulting. It is not as if I said it was rubbish. You are the Starbucks girl, correct?
[n/a] royalflesh 11-Sep-02/9:25 PM Reply
P&K - hey there. New here. Give me a hand. How do I respond to people's comments on my poems?? Would love to converse. Civilized. Royalfleshly.
[n/a] poetandknowit › royalflesh 11-Sep-02/9:29 PM Reply
Ahhh! Was that you who gave my comment the boot? And here I thought it had some secret to do with Nentwhistle. Go into your poem and hit reply and then type in what your need to say then poof - like that the whole world bears witness. But in order to see it, you must hit see all replies in the comments.
[n/a] royalflesh › poetandknowit 11-Sep-02/9:33 PM Reply
Ah. I must be clicking the "X" instead of REPLY. Sorry. Didn't mean to boot your comment. Please...again. more. more.
[6] horus8 19-Sep-02/11:54 PM Reply
pleasantly wrapped up.hows the surf though?
[6] Tintagiles 25-Sep-02/7:14 PM Reply
'Your name scrawled three thousand times across my walls' is marvelous.
[6] horus8 11-Dec-02/4:45 PM Reply
secondly,the biggest confessional of all time...here i'm leaving this fruit cake for the holidays at your altar..it's my aunts recipe.one dash miles bettween us, a sprinkle of endless sea..steeped in the sun for a week with a pinch of photograph in wallet. vuala 'disinfranchised confessional poetry that's not confessional but still true with just a tinge of metaphorical middle america dustings <the babbit special> enjoy children it goes with coffee and scones along with carolers and snow drifts.t
[n/a] poetandknowit › horus8 11-Dec-02/5:21 PM Reply
You are now it the land of the idiots of this site. It is not a confessional poem. Sorry. Again, learn your terms before you debate me.
[9] -=SeTTle=- 4-Jan-03/10:35 PM Reply
wonderful, but the entabulationary element is not needed. Keep it simple.