| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Oaxaca city fragment (Free verse) by poetandknowit hollow gut women
search shit filled gutters
for food scraps
mongrel pups ready for the razor
and half feathered, Johne's infested
starving cocks
sniffed and pecked past,
before being
caught and butchered
to feed
bony yellow babies
sickened by birth.
Up the ladder:
i would have you
Down the ladder:
Morning Rainbows
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.25
Posted: September 9, 2002 9:31 PM PDT; Last modified: September 10, 2002 8:44 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.220199 Overall Rank: 4333 Comments:
[9]
<~> @ 24.44.185.41
|
9-Sep-02/9:35 PM
|
Reply
a sharp-edged shard, this is. you paint it clean in my mind.
There is a strong contrast to your other poems. I like that effect. Although they too venture into the unseemly realities, this one is particulary dark. 40 words 13 of them harsh. I want to know more. Look to the left, look to the right. Walk down the street, enter. Plus you used my favorite word.
Like every other you is, toe rag tiht head u are a can top bar steward ri keth of os cular downlow, keeping it real like that. Hard hittin man. Obsidian optometrists, napping just for you.
Really good visceral stuff, but might read more easily if 'passed' became 'past' and if the women searched in the past tense with the cocks.
Thanks for the catch Christof. I want to keep it in present tense considering it is only a fragment, at least now, in a series of fragments taken from doing work south of the border (US that is). The cocks (as in fighting), many are let loose and roam the streets, and pups (everywhere) have already gone by so what they have done, sniffed and pecked, is past tense, and what the women are doing is present and future perfect (butcher) I suppose. Quite the scene though if you are ever down that way.
It reminds me of similar scenes in Spain - the closest I've ever come to Mexico. It does sound amazing, and good luck with your tense bending activities.
Hard to read, guess that makes it well written? Hard to give a particularly good score to something so unpleasant.7. Hey, enough of the poetry advice, you need some travel guidance...next time go to Taxco, it's pretty. Come to think of it Mexico City seems better than the place you describe :). Hell, make that 8, it makes me feel good about living in the UK.
oh great now my gums are bleeding 8/10/
If by "birth" you mean nentwined's Haiku of the same name then I applaud the sentiment if not the frequent, and somewhat baffling, references to urban decay.
217 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
