Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/6:19 AM
Well I suppose the dead are leaden. Thanks for all your help, I feel like I've made a minor breakthrough today. This is what poemranker should be about. I am greatly heartened.
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/6:12 AM
Try this for size...
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/6:06 AM
That seems more than fair!
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/5:58 AM
The last line continues to fox me because I'm not quite going for the meaning that you suggested before but I can't think of a better way to express the meaning I am going for. But I can revisit this some other time when my head is operating a bit better. Please re-vote! (but be kind).
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/5:56 AM
I should've stuck to my guns! You are absolutely right. That rhythm was a bit clunky but it worked becuase of that! Re-edit re-edit
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/5:54 AM
You think? Doesn't it scan better now? Oh dear what have I done...
Re: a comment on father Worked Nights by poetandknowit	12-Sep-02/5:51 AM
Was that my point? No, it wasn't. My point was, I can't pretend to be urban working class and a witness to domestic violence and then write about because I would be a fraud if I did. If you know about these, good for you, crack on. I'm lucky enough not to. So lay off my birds! And if you think there's some kind of special superiority inherent in your experience, then you're falling into all kinds of Romantic fallacies about the artist and suffering.
Re: Thank You Mom by savannah	12-Sep-02/3:52 AM
Yep, I think this is private rather than public poetry. Your Mum will love it. Just a little grammatical point - as you've put 'For though' in one line, you don't need the 'but' in the following line.
Re: Billie's Threnody by Frass	12-Sep-02/3:46 AM
I like the last few lines of this but your attempt to suggestively evoke Lady Day through your list of epithets (especially 'mahler' - I don't know this word except as the name of the composer, is that what you mean by it? Please tell!) doesn't really work for me - reductive (esp. imbiber) rather than descriptive or empathetic.
Re: I have no Idea?...? by brazen	12-Sep-02/3:32 AM
I too am foozled. Super fine.
Re: a hero jfk by dylansong	12-Sep-02/3:08 AM
It's good to commermorate the man, but this is a bit idealised.... what about JFK's womanizing, the Bay of Pigs, the increased involvement in Vietnam? JFK has been turned into a saint so much that we forget that he was just a man.
Re: father Worked Nights by poetandknowit	12-Sep-02/1:32 AM
If I were you commenting on this poem, P&K, I would, 'oh another poem about urban American working folk. Bored again. Yawn'. It seems that we all have our favourite little subjects doesn't it? It's called experience and observation from our lives. But as I'm not you I won't draw attention to such a blindingly obvious point and then pretend that it's a crucial critical insight. Instead I shall say I like this, including the 'cat and mother'. But you need to put some birds in it...
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/1:05 AM
This is a very good point, and I shall edit forthwith. Thanks
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	12-Sep-02/1:04 AM
I think that's a bit harsh, Mr Frass, it isn't pretending to be about anything other than what it clearly states! Of course if you think it's pretentious to think about the eventual death of your loved one that may say something about you...
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	11-Sep-02/9:01 AM
My thought was that portioning time into days, weeks etc. is easier to handle than the thought of eternity. And that the point of the five days is not that the time will seem longer, but that sometime she will die and then the period shall be eternal, compared to which 5 days is nothing.
Re: At the Olde Absinthe by Limness	11-Sep-02/8:40 AM
Next time you're in Britain, you can get the real thing. And I tell you, it makes things weird. And friend of mine broke his leg in two places falling over a blade of grass having drunk absinthe, while it made me almost burn down a bar in Prague. Freaky, aniseedy, makes your eyes beady.
Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof	11-Sep-02/8:06 AM
There probably is a better way to end this but i can't think of it right now. That 'For now' phrase is stuck in my head. Any suggestions?
Re: moon rants by bluwiz	11-Sep-02/7:47 AM
This is great. if I were the moon I'd feel like this - ignored, unwanted, for ever in the sun's shadow. And so bored with the dark. Oh yes indeedy.
Re: Ever Felt by nightii	11-Sep-02/5:47 AM
Also that capitalised SCREAMS is jarring rather than exciting. And have you ever felt this stuff?
Re: a comment on Putney at Low Tide by Christof	11-Sep-02/2:59 AM
As a novice, I wore shorts. I was never allowed a leotard, you had to have notched up 450 hours or something they'd even let you sniff a leotard.