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Gone Away (Free verse) by Christof How can I think of anyone but you?
Your face, your mood, the trace
of lilies; all this is
remembrance.
When you are dead, the grace
of you will be gone not days
or years. All time is
calculation
to make absence easier, evenings shorter,
myself less alone. When I murmur
'only five days', my heart twists
anti-clockwise.
Up the ladder:
The Good Old Days in New Orleans
Down the ladder:
In the Quiet of the Night a Tree Gently Shakes
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Posted: September 11, 2002 5:44 AM PDT; Last modified: September 18, 2002 1:25 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.913823 Overall Rank: 1427 Comments:
[10]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.175
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11-Sep-02/8:03 AM
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Reply
The rythmn is right. And the words are true. Excellent. My only complaint is the last line. I already knew what you were emplying at 'Only 5 days' Is their a better way to end this?
[n/a]
Christof @ 195.172.133.226
> god'swife
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11-Sep-02/8:06 AM
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Reply
There probably is a better way to end this but i can't think of it right now. That 'For now' phrase is stuck in my head. Any suggestions?
[10]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.175
> Christof
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11-Sep-02/8:18 AM
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Reply
Maybe you can talk about repeating the mantra 'Only 5 days' and the fact that this charm/prayer/spell is not working. And/or try wording it '5 days now' just keep at it. I know you'll get it.
but doesn't the calculating make the time go slower? your obsession with her is palpable. 'when i murmur only 5 days, i know it will seem like ten, and that you will leave...again'
(sorry, i can't seem to get past the rhyme in my suggestion, but i do think this could tighten up appreciably.) keep at it. hope these helped. z
My thought was that portioning time into days, weeks etc. is easier to handle than the thought of eternity. And that the point of the five days is not that the time will seem longer, but that sometime she will die and then the period shall be eternal, compared to which 5 days is nothing.
I would like this poeme more if you didn't capitalise all the words at the beginning of a line. It makes it seem 10 times more portentous than it actually is. Also, the second verse is unpleasant to read.
Do you mean 'pretentious'?
I think that's a bit harsh, Mr Frass, it isn't pretending to be about anything other than what it clearly states! Of course if you think it's pretentious to think about the eventual death of your loved one that may say something about you...
This is a very good point, and I shall edit forthwith. Thanks
oh no. don't do that! take out the middle like you just did...you've roughed it up, and pulled out its soul.
You think? Doesn't it scan better now? Oh dear what have I done...
I should've stuck to my guns! You are absolutely right. That rhythm was a bit clunky but it worked becuase of that! Re-edit re-edit
it was the last line that didn't work...not the middle.
The last line continues to fox me because I'm not quite going for the meaning that you suggested before but I can't think of a better way to express the meaning I am going for. But I can revisit this some other time when my head is operating a bit better. Please re-vote! (but be kind).
i'll save my vote for when you've worked it out. it wouldn't be fair to vote on a thing unfinished.k?
That seems more than fair!
Try this for size...
oh yeah. that was an excellent soultion!!!! only one small stumble, and it is mine only, i am sure: the word 'dead' is leaden. but that is minor.
Well I suppose the dead are leaden. Thanks for all your help, I feel like I've made a minor breakthrough today. This is what poemranker should be about. I am greatly heartened.
;)I share the sentiment when it comes to my boyfriend
Gone away, or returning soon? The focus is morbid, but touching. Why do you think that you will outlive her? Statistically, we live longer than you gents. Could you not live without her?
I hadn't thought of the fact that women usually outlive men. Hmm, I am suddenly cheered!
Last line S2 "All time is calculated" seems to work better for me. For you? Excellent edit. Nice finish! Bravo.
Ta very much. I think 'calculation' sounds better in a stand-alone line. Don't know why, just the rhythm in my ears really. But I'm happy with this poem now, after much fiddling around. Thanks for your help with it.
Just think if you outlive her the choices you will have. The old folks homes have 4/1 ration of women to men!!!! Excellent last stanza. And no flipping birds.
I'm sure I can work some in somewhere. Maybe a cuckoo clock?
My good friend, Christof, you misunderstood my earlier comment. Didn't you have the word 'portentious' in here, earlier. I was simply asking if that word in the poem was supposed to be 'pretentious', instead.
Maybe we have a misunderstanding - someone else used the word portentous and I in my paranoia ran away with it and thought you were accusing me of all sorts. Many apologies.
if only it went counter-clockwise, then you'd be able to go back in time and change the past.
If only!
best yet? fucking real potent. father is proud and beating his chest 9/10. i think it would realy be more effective if the heart twisted counterclockwise? just a thought.
You and Brazen have convinced me - please vote again chaps!
very nice. :)
It warms my heart that you've found poemranker to be helpful. :) I really should make the "editing" system a little more of a system, though. versioning or something. bleah.
I send you internet kisses.
Why you little sweetie!
Very good . Tha last stanza is a corker!
my heart murmurs
in the ticking away, roundabout clockwise.
liked it :)
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