unknown^user
on Ooooo..that smell by windyone
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
Is this an addition to the Lynyrd Skynyrd song?
yes the first line is a typo I know there is alot of this poem that needs to be fix and it needs to be straightend out theres alot missing that I'd like to add but i can't seem to find the words
Is "without out" in the first line a typo?
You may want to considering adding line breaks, especially where things rhyme like at "me" and at "day."
There needs to be some sort of punctuation between "around you" and "I got out."
Again, I absolutely despise your work. And I know you'll take that as a compliment.
1. I don't understand your choice of link breaks, to me it reads very erratically. 2. You are trying to make a point, which you could do in something that was half as long. 3. Rather than just spout them off. Think about how your individual words sound. Think about making this a POEM. Not bad for a start, with some editing, I think you'd have something.
It's classified as a pimple, because the Idea's are Cliche as hell. Plus it's not finished. It still needs a verse or two. The second is strong but doesn't lead clearly into the third. Besides, I don't think I've seen an actually bad poem labeled pimple. It's freeverses I worry about.
<3 Jason
"Pimple" Look up the defintion in poem types. -4- until it gets the right classification.
<3 Jason
By the end, I feel as though we've lost the original point. what is "fuck, a beard and a bow?" Is that the voice of the child, realizing the difficulty of pulling that off? And the story about the man...I guess I din't read that book...
Politics + Your Head = Gold
I assume this is about some British Election coming up?
"Pimple" look up the definition in the poem type. A -3- because it's painfully cliche.
<3 Jason
The first two lines, were losing me, but by the last verse I really I was blown away.
"You read me a story, of true love in a false land;
but aren't we vulnerable when we're on our own?"
Love that line. Enough to be a 10.
<3 Jason
I'm a big fan of Math and Logic. However this is good stuff. -8-
<3 Jason
The first verse I think could use a little more effort put into the meter. Everything else seems to flow naturally, written to be read out loud. Interesting Story telling. -9-
<3 Jason
I think it's a real song.
It is a real song in so far as it is written lyrics which accompany an offbeat reggae tune. It is about a friend of mine who pursued a different, less successful, career path than me. He became a surf bum/waffleman who is living the dream by spending the entirety of his life making waffles for tourists in Devon. And he makes damn bad waffles.
Silly cunt.
Vote for blonde, bubbly right winger?
Or a fat lesbian minger?
It's Mel for me,
For she's the Tory,
To make Peter Snow a swinger.
Now that fat truck of a mess from labour!
Why, only a body transplant could save her,
The size of her belly,
And her cunt's like a welly,
Filled with communist jelly.
The lib dem is as plain as a door,
Without paint or other decor,
Tax and spend is the vow,
Of this skinny frau,
She is easy to abhor.
Ranger
on The Ballad of Fraser Allonby Q.C., Barrister-At-Law by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
Absolutely marvellous, squire.
Im surprised you classed this as a pimple - its far better than that, and the mere utterance of said spotty poetry turns a lot of people here off. 9
Neatly worked, although it seemed to suddenly shift pace in the middle of the 2nd stanza. intentional perhaps or am i being a fool? 8