eliznhaz
on Dance Of Insanity by forsaken
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
you need to put more peoms back on
I was thinking that too, but I like it better than -dash. It feels like a wider stroke.
WTF?
Ranger
on The Ballad of Fraser Allonby Q.C., Barrister-At-Law by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
Absolutely marvellous, squire.
Im surprised you classed this as a pimple - its far better than that, and the mere utterance of said spotty poetry turns a lot of people here off. 9
Neatly worked, although it seemed to suddenly shift pace in the middle of the 2nd stanza. intentional perhaps or am i being a fool? 8
Awesome, I love this poem! Maybe the last stanza is slightly detached, but to be honest I'd be lying if I said it made any real problems. 10
Kill the 1st stanza (unfortunate words considering the theme) but your story which follows needs not such a intangible introduction.
P.S. I've had 2 Tom Cruise dreams in the last year and does he realize his celebrity has encroached on Everyman's sleep space? weird!
Kind of confusing about "the six" and I think the possessive "tiger's" in line 1 doesn't work, however, I am attracted to the feeling of eyeing up the competition, and I want this to be longer.
...P.P.S. beware accidental capitalization at line beginnings.
Try omitting "Then" from stanza 2 & "Finally" from stanza 4...the auxiliary (sp?) words already give the sense of time. I read the 1st stanza aloud to myself (and sleeping cat) and it is great. 9.2.
You're welcome (if you were directing my way...). I'd love it if you commented on the poem I just posted, "Grandma and Grandpa" if you have the time.
Omit "yet the" in line 2; also the "Like" in line 5; try in the single line 8 leaving out "For". I think it you would say so much more without giving the reader obvious clues of metaphor. This is really very good. 8.9
I kind of love that you capitalized "Maths" and also the 3rd & 4th lines are brilliant. Suggestion: leave a space between every two rhyming lines. Not sure, but an idea. Good, I read it 3 times. 9.1.
The second stanza rocks my world, a cliche, I know, but really, very very good. Maybe de-mystify the third stanza for us underlings, and also revise to lowercase the beginnings of lines that permit it. 9.6
I don't think you meant "physiological".