INTRANSIT
on Swoon by Dovina
25 May 2005, 3:17 PM
Well, I can't say that I could write romantic poetry near as well, as I'm from the "other side of the tracks".
Thank god I wear a tea cozy. And I ordered a new one in Naugahyde , with a sea-shell veil. That's right. Surf and turf headwear.
I like this but I feel like a dunce for not knowing who "she" -is. Honestly I think the psuedo-rhyme hurts it.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on MTV's The Real World: Poemranker by Bluemonkey
25 May 2005, 2:52 PM
You could write about your Floppingtons.
I forgot to come back to this. I'm waggin'!
Dove and Love......
truely original.
Thanks for the suggestions nentwined...they are certainly being considered and taken on board. I'm sure the pearl is there, trouble at the moment is finding it :)
I apologize, my friend, but Nentwined has yet to put a category on the Poemranker called Bluemonkey's Haiku...the moment the does I'll change it, I assure you.
Too funny!
pretty, but just sort of glides past.
The onomotopeaia of the first line doesn't really work for me. Beyond that, this reads as the outline of a poem that covers tired ground, but could say it in an interesting manner.
I don't get the "fragile oyster flesh". Beyond that, I think this does what it's attempting rather well.
Umm. Haiku in spirit, esque, but. Hmm.
No, but I like it. I'd appreciate it a lot more if you'd gotten it into 5-7-5.
"master's molten steel whip" or "masters' molten steel whips"
though I can't really picture a whip of molten steel being very effective
I like what you're doing, but think it needs some grinding. Needs some sharper edges, maybe a bit more beat...
(forgive:
Nine to fiver, slammer, anvil-man!
Anvil-man that waits, still,
for the master's molten whip
and the blows of an ever-climbing load
of work;
Hold fast your shape as he wails the world
and clank your affirmation
as you have done since birth by casting. ))
The second works fairly well as it stands, perhaps.
Though, then, together, I don't get the cohesion of the piece. Why is the mill talking to the anvil? I'm only getting "You exist! I exist!", and I want something more from the exchange...
uses a few too many words, or perhaps the words it uses just aren't as effective as they could be. Simple statement, which in this case I think is good, but doesn't work for me. The horrible pop song reference in particular... Hmm. Make me _feel_ these things, describe them instead of name them, perhaps.
no thanks.
pimple, though could work as cheap death metal lyrics, perhaps. Has a nice, swift flow.
dense, hasn't really said anything by the sixth line that makes me want to read on...
pimple :/