This is funny and worth the effort to iron out. My first thoughts are: lose stanza 10, the clouds. and go with the four line stanzas. Really! Do this ! Or else!

It's almost funny. You should have quit after stanza four. Rewrite this. In satirical proza.

This reads like a commercial rhyme from the 1950's...

'Mellifluent' sets off the rhythm of the poem, but right after that rhythm isn't maintained... I can't place the 'replaced' bit.

Agree with Rockmage. But I also object to the treatment of the story. The pain, the pain. Could be the base for a poem that does not need the word 'pain'... << her lover can't, or won't love her >> Perhaps she's unbearable ugly? Frigid? He found out she wasn't the rich bitch he thought she was? You don't show anything. She, watching him leave the house with a stiff back, clenched fists, for instance. An empty stare. An upturned dinnerplate on the tabel. There are so many ways to visualize relational pain. The best lines are the last one and 'It's all the same to her', but they become statements that call for an explanation. They are too detached from what it is all about.

What's the point to all of this? Could've been a lot shorter saying: Sad Girl No Love Pain She's changed.

The indentations are not needed. Also for someone who wants to kill the cliche, there's a lot of it here...maybe that's the point.

Some interfsting images here, but Rockmage is right above: They don't hang together well.

mmmph...

Ever the asshole...

let us know when you do

been there done.... that time to split

good I liked this one

DAPI you are funny.

nice sentiments..prepsre for bashing comments from others

have a good trip

Excellent!I needed to read this today! Thanks

A solid nine. Fascinating!

Quite simply elegant and I don't impress easily. The best I have read at this site.