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Never Ending Cycle (Free verse) by ingwa
Small and plundering large and thundering strong and powerful white-toped and rolling Gales and breezes blow and turn never ending always moon affected cycle Blue-green walls the hand of God reaches surfers paradise a swimmers worst nightmare Beauty to the eye a great photograph too with still frame animation mists captured for eternity Rocks and cliffs you sculpt and erode changing the landscape on a continuous basis Tsunami and lapping shapes of all kinds distinctly familiar peaceful or raging Never ending it breaks upon the shoreline against the rock sprays a great ride for crabs

Up the ladder: just am
Down the ladder: Products of Pacifisim

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.25
Weighted score: 4.910598
Overall Rank: 9555
Posted: May 24, 2005 2:17 PM PDT; Last modified: May 24, 2005 2:58 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 24-May-05/3:25 PM | Reply
This is an improvement over your other nature poems. It rambles here and there, like 'never ending' twice, well, I tried to change one into 'eternal' but it doesn't work and you've used 'eternity' already elsewhere.
The best poems about neverendings and eternities are in fact those that do not use these words...

<< white-topped and rolling >>

white topped and rolling. The problem with English is that it has many combiwords that call for a hyphen and they are quite ugly in poems.

Nice last line.
[n/a] ingwa @ 212.139.98.86 > deleted user | 24-May-05/3:37 PM | Reply
DoubleU, thank you so much for the guidance you have provided here. Yes, I do not enjoy hyphenated words too much, but couldn't really think of decent alternatives at the time. I had a mild case of writers block, so was edged on by a good writing friend of mine. It's good constructive criticism that I enjoy and do certainly appreciate it. I'm off now to clear my mind, read it and read it and read it, and then see what can be done about improving it. Thanks again.
[4] nentwined @ 64.60.192.130 | 24-May-05/4:33 PM | Reply
toped->topped, I presume?

surfers -> surfer's, maybe
swimmers -> swimmer's, definitely

still frame -> still-frame

...

I think you might have an elegant image here, between the shredded lines. Still, it's somewhat generic; hard to rub a pearl out of it.
[n/a] ingwa @ 80.45.148.169 > nentwined | 25-May-05/12:05 PM | Reply
Thanks for the suggestions nentwined...they are certainly being considered and taken on board. I'm sure the pearl is there, trouble at the moment is finding it :)
[6] wilco @ 24.165.207.93 | 25-May-05/6:23 PM | Reply
Some interfsting images here, but Rockmage is right above: They don't hang together well.
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