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Anvil man (Free verse) by INTRANSIT You! Nine to fiver, grinder, anvil-man!
You that waits still,
for the masters' molten steel whip
and the blows of an ever increasing workload.
Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows
and reply with the ever affirming clank
as you have done since your casting.
For I am the overtimer, grinder, mill-man
whose teeth scream as I'm fed
poor, bulk, rough material for shaping.
I will hold fast my teeth as I'm forced to
cut rough into smooth and I will reply
with the ever affirming grind-scream
as I have done since my build.
Up the ladder:
Ongoing
Down the ladder:
Locomotive's Graveyard
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.285714
Posted: December 29, 2003 3:26 PM PST; Last modified: December 30, 2003 11:12 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.614723 Overall Rank: 2249 Comments:
Excellent title.
This could have been quite tedious but your a wordsmith meister and i have to say mr intransit....this is one of your best. (in my op) 10 deserves hits.
Thank you sir. I will be visiting yours, post haste. In the mean time, (Dale) can be found at http://poemranker.com/jsp?id=25305
Not sure about the you are this I am that approach. But the logic, storytelling of this piece is very well crafted. Scarcely a wasted word.
"master's molten steel whip" or "masters' molten steel whips"
though I can't really picture a whip of molten steel being very effective I like what you're doing, but think it needs some grinding. Needs some sharper edges, maybe a bit more beat... (forgive: Nine to fiver, slammer, anvil-man! Anvil-man that waits, still, for the master's molten whip and the blows of an ever-climbing load of work; Hold fast your shape as he wails the world and clank your affirmation as you have done since birth by casting. )) The second works fairly well as it stands, perhaps. Though, then, together, I don't get the cohesion of the piece. Why is the mill talking to the anvil? I'm only getting "You exist! I exist!", and I want something more from the exchange... 281 view(s)
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since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions:
"searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten?
"Hold fast your shape, as he wields the"
Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout
"Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows,"
making the next line
"and reply with the ever affirming clank"
and the last line of S1
"as you have done since your casting."
Thats all.
Then again, its one of the reasons I post my work, so others can point out what I miss, etc.