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Free verse № 78329

Anvil man

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Dec 2003 · Edited 30 Dec 2003 · 7 comments

You! Nine to fiver, grinder, anvil-man! You that waits still, for the masters' molten steel whip and the blows of an ever increasing workload. Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows and reply with the ever affirming clank as you have done since your casting. For I am the overtimer, grinder, mill-man whose teeth scream as I'm fed poor, bulk, rough material for shaping. I will hold fast my teeth as I'm forced to cut rough into smooth and I will reply with the ever affirming grind-scream as I have done since my build.

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7 comments

[10] SupremeDreamer 30-Dec-03/12:16 AM Reply
Earlier today I gave this poem a ten; reading it again, its still ten BUT

since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions:

"searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten?



"Hold fast your shape, as he wields the"

Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout

"Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows,"

making the next line

"and reply with the ever affirming clank"

and the last line of S1

"as you have done since your casting."


Thats all.




[n/a] INTRANSIT › SupremeDreamer 30-Dec-03/11:08 AM Reply
Opinionated or not, I tend to agree with you. I still have the bad habit of rushing into posting without that one-last-read-through. Slowing down is an on and off problem for me. I need to MAKE time for this so I can think and listen more.
[10] SupremeDreamer › INTRANSIT 30-Dec-03/11:38 AM Reply
I have that habit too, though much less these days- I've learned to take more time shaping a poem, but still miss things, since most of the time I'm amped.

Then again, its one of the reasons I post my work, so others can point out what I miss, etc.



[10] Caducus 31-Dec-03/6:09 AM Reply
Excellent title.
This could have been quite tedious but your a wordsmith meister and i have to say mr intransit....this is one of your best. (in my op) 10

deserves hits.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Caducus 31-Dec-03/6:18 AM Reply
Thank you sir. I will be visiting yours, post haste. In the mean time, (Dale) can be found at http://poemranker.com/jsp?id=25305
[9] richa 31-Dec-03/12:52 PM Reply
Not sure about the you are this I am that approach. But the logic, storytelling of this piece is very well crafted. Scarcely a wasted word.
[6] nentwined 24-May-05/7:03 PM Reply
"master's molten steel whip" or "masters' molten steel whips"

though I can't really picture a whip of molten steel being very effective

I like what you're doing, but think it needs some grinding. Needs some sharper edges, maybe a bit more beat...

(forgive:

Nine to fiver, slammer, anvil-man!
Anvil-man that waits, still,
for the master's molten whip
and the blows of an ever-climbing load
of work;

Hold fast your shape as he wails the world
and clank your affirmation
as you have done since birth by casting. ))

The second works fairly well as it stands, perhaps.

Though, then, together, I don't get the cohesion of the piece. Why is the mill talking to the anvil? I'm only getting "You exist! I exist!", and I want something more from the exchange...