Poemranker [Poem: Anvil man] [by INTRANSIT] Thu Nov 21 15:23:39 PST 2024

[10] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.168.127 | 30-Dec-03/12:16 AM | Reply

Earlier today I gave this poem a ten; reading it again, its still ten BUT

since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions:

"searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten?

"Hold fast your shape, as he wields the"

Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout

"Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows,"

making the next line

"and reply with the ever affirming clank"

and the last line of S1

"as you have done since your casting."

Thats all.

[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.41 > SupremeDreamer | 30-Dec-03/11:08 AM | Reply

Opinionated or not, I tend to agree with you. I still have the bad habit of rushing into posting without that one-last-read-through. Slowing down is an on and off problem for me. I need to MAKE time for this so I can think and listen more.

[10] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.178.82 > INTRANSIT | 30-Dec-03/11:38 AM | Reply

I have that habit too, though much less these days- I've learned to take more time shaping a poem, but still miss things, since most of the time I'm amped.

Then again, its one of the reasons I post my work, so others can point out what I miss, etc.

[10] Caducus @ 195.92.168.171 | 31-Dec-03/6:09 AM | Reply

Excellent title.
This could have been quite tedious but your a wordsmith meister and i have to say mr intransit....this is one of your best. (in my op) 10

deserves hits.

[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.41 > Caducus | 31-Dec-03/6:18 AM | Reply

Thank you sir. I will be visiting yours, post haste. In the mean time, (Dale) can be found at http://poemranker.com/jsp?id=25305

[9] richa @ 81.178.228.141 | 31-Dec-03/12:52 PM | Reply

Not sure about the you are this I am that approach. But the logic, storytelling of this piece is very well crafted. Scarcely a wasted word.

[6] nentwined @ 68.232.253.181 | 24-May-05/7:03 PM | Reply

"master's molten steel whip" or "masters' molten steel whips"

though I can't really picture a whip of molten steel being very effective

I like what you're doing, but think it needs some grinding. Needs some sharper edges, maybe a bit more beat...

(forgive:

Nine to fiver, slammer, anvil-man!
Anvil-man that waits, still,
for the master's molten whip
and the blows of an ever-climbing load
of work;

Hold fast your shape as he wails the world
and clank your affirmation
as you have done since birth by casting. ))

The second works fairly well as it stands, perhaps.

Though, then, together, I don't get the cohesion of the piece. Why is the mill talking to the anvil? I'm only getting "You exist! I exist!", and I want something more from the exchange...