SupremeDreamer30 Dec 2003

Earlier today I gave this poem a ten; reading it again, its still ten BUT

since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions:

"searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten?



"Hold fast your shape, as he wields the"

Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout

"Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows,"

making the next line

"and reply with the ever affirming clank"

and the last line of S1

"as you have done since your casting."


Thats all.