Dovina
replying on Semite to Semite by PodPoet
24 May 2005, 6:48 PM
To honor The other's dignity is good. But "To honor and worship The other's dignity"? Nope, that goes too far in the direction of impossibility.
Thanks for your thoughts Dovina. Agreed, indenting the refrain looks & reads better. As for doing away with "worship," I feel strongly about keeping that word. I feel that only when Jews and Arabs go beyond respecting to actually loving each other as worthy people, will the nightmare end.
er, don't stop writing poetry--but do try to crit. The most evolution in my own writing laterly came from doing weekly anonymous challenges, where you have to crit every piece--having to not give away which one was mine somehow kickstarted my ability to see my own work from a bit more distant perspective.
Okay Nentwined, I'm certainly going to follow your advice. Perhaps I'm too caught up in how my work is at the moment instead of looking about more. Something definately worth improving. I will leave my posting for a while and come back to it some time in the future. Thank you once again for your comments, I do appreciate them.
Taking the second stanza out helps more than I expected. Still, the whole thing needs a lot of chopping and/or polishing. I _STRONGLY_ recommend attempting to critique other poems more than investigating your own at the moment. Post, soak in the comments, but put effort into seeing what you like and/or dislike about other's poetry, seeing how you can apply that to your own work.
toped->topped, I presume?
surfers -> surfer's, maybe
swimmers -> swimmer's, definitely
still frame -> still-frame
...
I think you might have an elegant image here, between the shredded lines. Still, it's somewhat generic; hard to rub a pearl out of it.
Interesting comment. How about I take the second stanza out? The second one does seem longwinded.
"gone by" repetition hurts; I lose the rhythm in "Let me know your experience", and there's not much non-generic to pull my interest fuerther.
doesn't work for me. I get the concept, but the flow stumbles.
some deleted user
replying on MTV's The Real World: Allpoetry.com by Bluemonkey
24 May 2005, 4:16 PM
Don't misunderstand me; you can write anything you want. But don't abuse the HAIKU. Have the sense to call it 'Bluemonkey's Haiku', or something in that vein.
DoubleU, thank you so much for the guidance you have provided here. Yes, I do not enjoy hyphenated words too much, but couldn't really think of decent alternatives at the time. I had a mild case of writers block, so was edged on by a good writing friend of mine. It's good constructive criticism that I enjoy and do certainly appreciate it. I'm off now to clear my mind, read it and read it and read it, and then see what can be done about improving it. Thanks again.
This is an improvement over your other nature poems. It rambles here and there, like 'never ending' twice, well, I tried to change one into 'eternal' but it doesn't work and you've used 'eternity' already elsewhere.
The best poems about neverendings and eternities are in fact those that do not use these words...
<< white-topped and rolling >>
white topped and rolling. The problem with English is that it has many combiwords that call for a hyphen and they are quite ugly in poems.
Nice last line.
thanks dovina, its weird when i click to edit thispoem it comes up with 'adults in wonderland'.
Intransit and DoubleU, I certainly do appreciate your comments and tips on how to improve my writing. I am starting to put it to practice so will hopefully be able to repost some of my work soon :) Thanks for all your input.
We seek immortality of a kind through leaving a mark.....painting, sculpture, poetry even. The poem is trying to say that if these type of theories about catastrophic world endings are true then our attempts at immortality are doomed to failure......so in that sense it does matter how we die.Or perhaps it doesn't ? Maybe I'm digging a hole here and I should just stop !!
mmmmm.....maybe I'll re-read
You may suck, as long as you spit out something decent
Since humanity would probably survive any of these potential catastrophies, why would some conspiracy theory say otherwise, and if there is immortality, why would it matter how we die?
A *9* for daring to be original
The intended point of the poem is that popular culture and conspiracy theory would have us believe that in the face of these possible scenarios humanity would not endure .......that life is in fact pointless since even our vague traces would be removed.....thus our attempts at immortality are in fact "timelimited"......depressing isn't it ! Having said that there is an intended element of irony in the poem......I'm not wholly of this world view myself !